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Laughter is the best Medicine : JOKES Page 9 of 14
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Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
PRAYER, ALTERNATIVE OF
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, 'Lord grant me one wish'. The sky clouded and a booming voice said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish.' The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to.'
The Lord answered, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me'.
The man thought for a long time and finally said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?'
After a few minutes God said, 'How many lanes do you want on that bridge??'
PRAYER, ALTERNATIVE OF
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, 'Lord grant me one wish'. The sky clouded and a booming voice said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish.' The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to.'
The Lord answered, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me'.
The man thought for a long time and finally said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?'
After a few minutes God said, 'How many lanes do you want on that bridge??'
Nesha-India last decade
Doctor: 'Take the green pill with a glass of water
when you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glasses
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another glass of water.'
Man: 'Exactly what's my problem, doc?'
Doctor: 'You're not drinking enough water.'
when you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glasses
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another glass of water.'
Man: 'Exactly what's my problem, doc?'
Doctor: 'You're not drinking enough water.'
ramanasudhakar last decade
Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
*
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to
keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
*
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
*
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to
keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
*
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
ramanasudhakar last decade
Doctor's Orders
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down
the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
The man replied, 'Just doing what you said Doctor:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'.'
The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down
the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
The man replied, 'Just doing what you said Doctor:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'.'
The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'
ramanasudhakar last decade
Doctor's Visit
A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by
one of the new doctors.
But after about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and
demanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry
is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?'
A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by
one of the new doctors.
But after about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and
demanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry
is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?'
ramanasudhakar last decade
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.'
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.'
ramanasudhakar last decade
Patient Charts
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.
'Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.'
'On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.'
'The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.'
'The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.'
'Discharge status: Alive but without permission.'
'Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.'
'The patient refused an autopsy.'
'Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.'
'Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.'
'Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.'
'She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.'
'She is numb from her toes down.'
'While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.'
'The skin was moist and dry.'
'Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.'
'Patient was alert and unresponsive.'
'She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.'
'I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.'
'The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.'
'Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.'
'Skin: Somewhat pale but present.'
'Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen, and I agree.'
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.
'Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.'
'On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.'
'The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.'
'The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.'
'Discharge status: Alive but without permission.'
'Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.'
'The patient refused an autopsy.'
'Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.'
'Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.'
'Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.'
'She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.'
'She is numb from her toes down.'
'While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.'
'The skin was moist and dry.'
'Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.'
'Patient was alert and unresponsive.'
'She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.'
'I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.'
'The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.'
'Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.'
'Skin: Somewhat pale but present.'
'Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen, and I agree.'
ramanasudhakar last decade
The New Hospital Wing
A panel of doctors at a local hospital who were asked to vote on
adding a new wing. Their responses are listed below:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
The pediatricians said, 'Grow up.'
The proctologists said, 'We are in arrears.'
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it, anyway.
A panel of doctors at a local hospital who were asked to vote on
adding a new wing. Their responses are listed below:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
The pediatricians said, 'Grow up.'
The proctologists said, 'We are in arrears.'
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it, anyway.
ramanasudhakar last decade
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one
by one -
'Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' she asked. 'Just
a minute, I have to go pi.s.'
The teacher replied 'That would be rude and impolite!'
'What about you John, how would you say it?'
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
The teacher responded, 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the table.'
'And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after supper.'
The teacher fainted.....
by one -
'Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' she asked. 'Just
a minute, I have to go pi.s.'
The teacher replied 'That would be rude and impolite!'
'What about you John, how would you say it?'
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
The teacher responded, 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the table.'
'And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after supper.'
The teacher fainted.....
DaVinci last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
SADISM
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stumbles around and says, 'Um.. no.. um.. what happened?'
The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
SADISM
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stumbles around and says, 'Um.. no.. um.. what happened?'
The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MAN, LONG
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you? And what do you want?'
'Hi,' he said, ' your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away.'
'Well, then,' she said, 'what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
To which he replied,..... 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
MAN, LONG
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you? And what do you want?'
'Hi,' he said, ' your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away.'
'Well, then,' she said, 'what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
To which he replied,..... 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
SMART
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday!'
SMART
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday!'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
BLOOD BAR
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water
So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.
The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies 'I'm making tea'.
BLOOD BAR
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water
So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.
The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies 'I'm making tea'.
Nesha-India last decade
Muffler.
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♡ girilal last decade
Today (6th July) is US President Bush's Birthday. So here's Wishing him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND know what the Koreans gave prez Bush as his pre-birthday gift : 6 missle fire salute's marking his 60th birthday. However jokes do not know president's or birthdays. So ...
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
PLACE, IDENTIFIED :
Queen Elizabeth, Bush & Chandrika (President of SriLanka) died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said 'I miss England, I want to call England and see How everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked 'Well, Devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Five million dollars' .
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bush was soo jealous, he starts screaming, 'My turn! I wanna call The United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too'
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked 'Well, devil How much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Ten million dollars'
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back On his chair.
President Chandrika was even more jealous & starts screaming, 'I want to call SriLanka too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to every member of my ..... '
She called SriLanka and talked for about twenty hours, she talked & Talked & talked, then she asked 'Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Twenty dollars'.
President Chandrika is stunned & says 'Twenty dollars??? Only ??'
The devil says 'Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local call'.
AND know what the Koreans gave prez Bush as his pre-birthday gift : 6 missle fire salute's marking his 60th birthday. However jokes do not know president's or birthdays. So ...
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
PLACE, IDENTIFIED :
Queen Elizabeth, Bush & Chandrika (President of SriLanka) died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said 'I miss England, I want to call England and see How everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked 'Well, Devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Five million dollars' .
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bush was soo jealous, he starts screaming, 'My turn! I wanna call The United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too'
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked 'Well, devil How much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Ten million dollars'
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back On his chair.
President Chandrika was even more jealous & starts screaming, 'I want to call SriLanka too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to every member of my ..... '
She called SriLanka and talked for about twenty hours, she talked & Talked & talked, then she asked 'Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says 'Twenty dollars'.
President Chandrika is stunned & says 'Twenty dollars??? Only ??'
The devil says 'Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local call'.
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
CHALLENGE
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies 'Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.'
The guy says, 'Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'
CHALLENGE
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies 'Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.'
The guy says, 'Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'
Nesha-India last decade
Mystery Solved#### In the aftermath of the final of the soccer World Cup, won by Italy in a closely contested match involving a penalty shoot-out and a widely publicised sending-off of French footballing genius Zinedine Zidane, the question on everyone's lips was, 'Why did he do it?'. #### 10 minutes before the end of extra-time and with a penalty shoot-out looming large, Zidane ferociously head-butted Italian forward Marco Materazzi after being provoked. This was Zidane's last professional soccer match. With the prospect of a second World Cup to add to his glittering achievements in the sport, this extreme reaction from the veteran player was the subject of much debate. Players from both teams have indicated that some strong provocation from Materazzi caused the regrettable action at a crucial point in the match. #### Materazzi, who had earlier scored in the 19th minute to level scores at 1-1, apparently walked up to Zidane asking, 'Bhaiyya, hum Chlor-mint kyun khaate hain?' Enraged at this ridiculous question at such a tense time, Zidane head-butted the Italian in the chest, knocking him down in front of a packed stadium before yelling, 'Damn fool! Ab dubara mat poochna
mrinalroy last decade
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes
to Hell,where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do,'
says the Devil. 'you're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since
you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else
go.
'I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and
a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and
over. Such was his fate in Hell.
No!' George shouted. 'I don't think so. I am not a good
swimmer, And I don't think I could do that all day long'.
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair
with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, over and over, time after time. No! I've got this problem with
my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks
rocks all day', commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing
what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'
to Hell,where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do,'
says the Devil. 'you're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since
you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else
go.
'I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and
a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and
over. Such was his fate in Hell.
No!' George shouted. 'I don't think so. I am not a good
swimmer, And I don't think I could do that all day long'.
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair
with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, over and over, time after time. No! I've got this problem with
my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks
rocks all day', commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing
what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'
DaVinci last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
ENDOSCOPIC SURGERY
This retired doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.
After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.
After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.
He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.
Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, 'In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle engine going through the exhaust pipes!'.
ENDOSCOPIC SURGERY
This retired doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.
After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.
After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.
He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.
Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, 'In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle engine going through the exhaust pipes!'.
Nesha-India last decade
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
haveapologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.
'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
haveapologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.
'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
DaVinci last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
ITCHGUARD :
John accidentally got itching on his inner part of the thigh, he went to chemist for medicine.
Chemist suggested him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD CREAM.
John asked to chemist, 'ITCHGUARD is Ok but why Viagra ? '
Chemist said 'Coz when u sleep it will keep the blanket up'.
ITCHGUARD :
John accidentally got itching on his inner part of the thigh, he went to chemist for medicine.
Chemist suggested him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD CREAM.
John asked to chemist, 'ITCHGUARD is Ok but why Viagra ? '
Chemist said 'Coz when u sleep it will keep the blanket up'.
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE :
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks 'What do two plus two equal?'
The mathematician replies 'Four.'
The interviewer asks 'Four, exactly?' The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
'Yes, four, exactly.'
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question 'What do two plus two equal?' The accountant says 'On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.'
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question 'What do two plus two equal?'
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says 'What do you want it to equal?'
WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE :
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks 'What do two plus two equal?'
The mathematician replies 'Four.'
The interviewer asks 'Four, exactly?' The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
'Yes, four, exactly.'
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question 'What do two plus two equal?' The accountant says 'On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.'
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question 'What do two plus two equal?'
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says 'What do you want it to equal?'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
LIFE LINE :
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, 'You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'
He opened the note, and read out loud, 'Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?'
LIFE LINE :
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, 'You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'
He opened the note, and read out loud, 'Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?'
Nesha-India last decade
THIS IS NOT A JOKE, BUT SOMETHING RARE :
Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.
This will cultimate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of Earth.
Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am (I.S.T.). It will look like The Earth has 2 Moons. Don't Miss it.....
The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.
Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.
This will cultimate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of Earth.
Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am (I.S.T.). It will look like The Earth has 2 Moons. Don't Miss it.....
The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.
Nesha-India last decade
Nesha as I read you post then I said to myself, wait a minute, this happened in August of 2003 when I was in Bangalore and watched another planet next to moon, then I discovered that it was the red planet mars.
Real event happened at August 27 2003.
And many people reported rumor-emails in each July after on.
Of-course laughter is the best medicine.
Real event happened at August 27 2003.
And many people reported rumor-emails in each July after on.
Of-course laughter is the best medicine.
♡ girilal last decade
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