Not feeling good - grey cloudy weather (David) _{Page 4 of 4}

True. I dont know.

It is night time. I am alone at home only with my brother and I am uneasy about going downstairs. Since the Platina I am afraid at night in the dark in my house. Not good. I am the type of guy who cannot watch a ghost movie without having problems at night for about a month than. I know ghost movies are bad for me but I still watch them when someone wants to watch them. Cannot say no to it. I am kind of drawn to it anyway.

The problem is that I can so realistically get the picture of something appearing out of the corner etc. It is like something got cured, or my chest, mind unblocked so I can feel more and feel more in touch with things. I can imagine something in my mind and feel it. That is why I think I have this problem now.

This is very uncomfortable. I want to go down and eat but I cannot.

Edit: No the problem is this. I go past the room where my brother sleeps and there I see him lieing in bed and I get the image of what if he starts moving and he acts like someone else.

The best way to describe it would be like when I was young with my other brother he would put his hands over his face and say that he will transform and become a monster. SO than he would act like someone else.

This is the kind of fear I got of being alone and what if my brother lieing in bed would start acting like this, like a monster, or like some other scary person . I can picture this vividly in my mind how he would turn around and show me a very unfamiliar face, unfamiliar behavior as if he is someone else. It would scare the bejesus out of me. lol. Its great paranoia fear. I am suspicious to everythin. If I quickly turn my head something in the corner of my view seems like it moved and seems threatening. High anxiety. Platina made me feel like when I was a child and my big grandmothers house. I didnt like it when it was dark and I had to go downstairs alone to get something etc.
[message edited by starface on Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:49:50 GMT]

I dont know. This remedy or is it my vital force still seems to be working right now. I am scared right now but I am feeling my upper back more, a feeling back there. It feels like an aggravation again but I feel good. I think this remedy could make me feel really good pysichally. It is unlikely to be my similimum but because of the ongoing improvements I will still give it a 20% chance and keep on observing.

I am really liking this remedy. I feel in some ways like in the past. Like going on a party, being amongst people it feels like something I would want to do... I listen to music and it makes me remember the past good memories and the good feelings come up. I will keep on wating and see what will develop out of this remedy.

I think it is still to early to write a report on what improved and what didnt. I will do so once I think things are more clear.

Right now like yesterday I am feeling ok in my mind and stomach but on the outside like a paralyzing tiredness. It does feel good in a way since I feel good in stomach and mind but on the outside, my muscles are kind of tired. So it feels good because my mind is ok. Those physichal symtpoms of tiredness are nothing when the mind is lighter and ok.

I will keep observing whether things will improve or regress back. Definately felt an aggravation in my upper back and neck when I walked outside but to my suprise when I saw my brother and one of his friends my movement was smooth and with ease. My voice was light and effortlessly I was heard onto the other side of the street.

My face looks a lot fuller too, facial muscles again on the cheeks and so on
[message edited by starface on Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:30:56 GMT]

***
I knew tahbi was like me in at least some ways when she felt the need to mention me in one of her posts early on. Something about me must have resonated in her. I dont know but are those not nat mur qualities? I get the sense that she feels hurt by not getting enough of something from you. The statement that she had hope you are different from everyone else she dealt with, because you listened to her, she feels misunderstood and that she did not give enough information... all those things were true for me aswell. I guess nat mur isnt the only remedy that would have such issues?

Feeling misunderstood and not given enough information brings up bad feelings for me. When I got a remedy prescribed I didnt agree with I felt this dissapointment too. Of not being heard or understood anymore. it is really bad and I hope you can understand this David. As if before the prescription I could have the feeling I am understood and everything and than comes a remedy I get prescribed which kind of broke this feeling of being understood and naturally it made me feel really bad.

Ah I see I took such things to personally and it is great to learn from an objective view. I realize I have some great issues and feel rejected, forsaken quick in relationships. Reason why I never want to have them.

But I am not giving up over the internet. Yes I want you back David. And I want to solve my conflicts. That is what I reaad the psyche always tries to do anyway. Why it always gets back into the same patterns and situations so that they could get resolved once and for all.

I dont know, but I wished tabbi would get help and not end up like me. I am sure all she needs is the feeling that she is understood and most likely for the same reasons as me.

I am talking here from a safe distance. I know I am the type of person who must not get into a relationship because I will get hurt and burned. SO it is great in a way that you (David) and me are not really working together in a therapeutic relationship. But communicating seperately. I think this is the best. And how it should be for it to work. Because I have to great expectations and emotional needs which noone can meet I guess. I dont understand why this is so. Because I dont know what bad happened in my life from upbringing. There was nothing really that bad at home. Except that one could say I did not maybe get enough things emotionally, but had strict parents rather who liked to punish and control things.
[message edited by starface on Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:36:10 GMT]

I had a good day yesterday. I went for a walk at 8pm and everything seemed so much better, how the world looks etc. Even when cars passed me on the street sometimes there would be no reaction, at other times there would be the weight. But the weight was not a problem because something else deeper than the weight wich was a problem usually was not present. So I felt good. There was not the anxiety present. And the world state looking the same good way. It is nice seeing my body mind not react.


... but today I woke up. And I feel I am back to the old in some ways. Tensions! On my vertex, shoulders, chest. Usually for the past few weeks I could feel my vital force working whenever some situation would cause the tension etc. But today nothing feels like it is working The tensions are staying, no energy rush, nothing. A standstill. Usually I would redose at such times but since I have taken the platina now so many times I guess I am not going to anymore. And there is still something that does not want me to take any remedy which is when I think of a remedy I feel the emotional hurt in me, in my chest still. I still feel somewhat open and so I do not want to take any remedy.

I am puzzled as to why platina worked. Why my ego problem dissapeared but not the approval seeking and the need.

Why it leaves me feeling open, the emotional hurt in me which I would think nat mur would do.


It made nights uncomfortable for me, the fear of being alone has gotten intensified that I could not shower at times.


I feel like I am a remedy that is very broad.


Pride, ego, approval seeking, emotional need on the other hand. Very broad and pulling in all directions. I can even be very masculine or feminine.

I think I have no identity. Or not a good sense of self Or I like to be everything, or something else just not me, because I am wrong so that I am accepted, liked. I always try to be something but on the inside I feel very hurt I guess.

I think the histrionic PD is what I need to analyze. But despite knowing platina might not be right which usually would instantly make me want to take a different remedy just to get something going again. I dont want to take another remedy still. It makes me focus inside and feel the hurt whenver I think of the remedy. Maybe I have associated with it me taking remedies alone and getting hurt and burned with noone helping me like it happened last time. I think that is it. I had the bad experience of Platina and I realized there really is noone who will help me or take care of me which really hurt. And I found some self respect and told myself I will not let this happen to me again and take care of myself I remember.

Pride, ego, approval seeking and emotional need are all same level of importance I would say
[message edited by starface on Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:52:13 GMT]

Platina gave me kind of hope all will be well and the future is good because I will be able to deal with situations since my anxiety seems to be getting down etc. But I am kind of becoming restless when I think of the future. I want something that will give me the sense that it is working so I can relax and not worry that some unexpected event might come up where I will have to be around people etc.

If there is something i can say with certainty it is that

Loosing my hair means noone will ever look at me again. I will starve to death. Be deprived of everything emotionally. It must not happen. If right now people are interested in me and say good things about me loosing my hair would mean I would loose that be alone and have nothing that would make people want me, pay attention to me etc

I am ok again. Must have been some swing throughout the day.

I had so many dreams tonight..


-An atom bomb being launced from our world to another one to destroy them (I felt unsafe too)

-Me being outside with people while there was a plane bombing and almost hit me and my family. war (it feels so unsafe, not safe anywhere)


-I was playing soccer which I always really liked and miss. Official soccer games


- I was in a shop and I had this intimate connection with a girl I saw there for the first time. Like we understood each other and were on the same wave length. So I was walking around and would see her at times. I knew she wanted me to come to a place where there were no people to meet. But than I had to get out of the shop. It was close to being closed and a guy went in there, probably going to take my girl. But it didnt bother me. I wasnt thinking of that he would take her. Just that something isnt that right. What I mean is that he probably since he is the shopkeeper will take advantage of this situation and probably likes how he can be there alone in the shop with a girl now and maybe talk to her

- Than I was sitting somewhere with some people and I cannot remember this in detail. I was saying the things I dont like in general and those 2 people were really hard on me and I didnt feel good. I think I felt physically threatened since I am alone. (I felt a bit unsafe and had to manipulate or kiss ass to make myself be more good with those people again)

- I was with an old friend and some other people going up to his room and to smoke marijuana. THan there was something on the TV about guns at schools and everyone had to give his opinion based on what would make guns at school go away.

Then there was his little sister of my old friend in the room and we got introduced and I met her shyly. Then my friend asked me question I had to guess correctly about his sister. One I remember was whether she is of black, white or pink origin. And I saw she had pink lips, A white skin but facial features of black origin, so I was sure she was black but now is white.

(The whole situation was uncomfortable and I felt timid)

- THere was a strategy video game I play, played out in real. In the middle there was a pathway and a container on it that would go from one side to the other always. It would bring resources to build buildings and army, but there was something wrong with it, it would not be stable and go to much to the left or right, not stay straight, that is what I remember from that dream only
[message edited by starface on Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:40:26 GMT]

I am probably not platina or any of those special remedies. It would usually leave me shattered, crushed but it is ok. Doesnt matter that much.

I just hope I can get back to a feeling where I belive a remedy is working so I can feel safe about the future. Since having social anxiety can make you feel really bad for the future. You can never rest as you know it has to get fixed. There could bad, unexpected situations come up, unavoidable situations and I know how much I hate being anxious around people and how it hurts that I want to avoid this at any cost.

I still feel somewhat good about everything and calm. Platina gave me tastes of how it is like not having the bad feelings or take everything so seriously. I could see how socializing could be fun again and I felt closer not so distant. I am more comfortable with emotional things too. Less of a reaction in my body or mind. Yesterday i could be normal downstairs when my father was around. What I mean is my voice usually would be slow and heavy. But it was normal yesterday. One could feel that I was in a good mood and my voice was loud and normal. I liked this. Walking into the kitchen which would always cause this restriction and the need to lookd down or either have a strange expression on my face is much less too. I could walk straight into the kitchen without the restriction when I knew my father or someone was down there. It is the worst when my father is down there since we dont have quite a good relationship, talking is uncomfortable etc
[message edited by starface on Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:38:18 GMT]

I like how my addiction is less too. Usually in the past if I got my computer back I would be in it and be in this world of addiction where only this computer matters. But I am really enjoying how this is not the case right now. I can go down and watch TV, or out of the house. Not play video games except at night.

Also a few days ago I still had the aversion to it because of the past. It reminded me of the times before the BDD and depression so that I could not get involved with the computer and want to set it up, spend energy because it just didnt feel good. THings can not be like they were before the BDD, depression. But I am over this too. I set up my computer, tweaked a few things and liking it.

I would like to do sensation method right now because for the past few weeks I am feeling much clearer on things. I have certainty and not doubt.

Like why is egoisem bad and something I cannot be like in the real world... it is because if you are egoistic you make the other person feel bad, as if he is less than you. This is bad. I am sensitive to the feelings of other people and could not do that therefore. Isolation and distance would come up aswell and fear of critizised too. But the sensitivity to other peoples feelings feels the strongest today.