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Got my first critizism at work today Page 2 of 3
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Oh god, the things you are telling me today.
The BDD got out of destructive mode so quick with platina that you would think it was magic or something.
Who knows where I would have been today if I never gotten to take platina. When I took ambra grisea on the night of aggravation and self picking which caused new imperfections I had suicidal thoughts. BDD was getting worse and worse. Every month I had more imperfections on my face, self created by the self picking where I attempted to fix things, but it just created additional imperfections
Funny thing I just remember I dreamed tonight of someone wanting to kill himself by jumping of a height. This person was just holding on with his hands to an object and hanging of the building. It felt like he had second thoughts about it. But a man quickly came grabbed his hands and made himself hang of the building. So that this boy who wanted to kill himself was just hanging on to the man. And the man to the object on the building.
The man came because the boy had second thought to kill himself. It was like the man tried to tell him you have to do this and did not want that the boy decides to live.
A SICK dream.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 04:49:16 GMT]
The BDD got out of destructive mode so quick with platina that you would think it was magic or something.
Who knows where I would have been today if I never gotten to take platina. When I took ambra grisea on the night of aggravation and self picking which caused new imperfections I had suicidal thoughts. BDD was getting worse and worse. Every month I had more imperfections on my face, self created by the self picking where I attempted to fix things, but it just created additional imperfections
Funny thing I just remember I dreamed tonight of someone wanting to kill himself by jumping of a height. This person was just holding on with his hands to an object and hanging of the building. It felt like he had second thoughts about it. But a man quickly came grabbed his hands and made himself hang of the building. So that this boy who wanted to kill himself was just hanging on to the man. And the man to the object on the building.
The man came because the boy had second thought to kill himself. It was like the man tried to tell him you have to do this and did not want that the boy decides to live.
A SICK dream.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 04:49:16 GMT]
starface last decade
Still, people treat me nice, because of my appearance and how I am. and because I am different from the usual 24 year old. My mother and brother keep telling me that they wonder as to why other workers arent giving me a hard time. because they are kind of bitchy and fighting with each other always, throwing mud at each other. But I dont think this could ever happen to me. Since I am nice, helpful always, work fast and have no problem with that. I get paid for 4 hours. But most of the time I stay for 5 or 6 hours. Even if my mother is the manager and tells me that I dont have to do my work so perfectly.. I still do it. It is an issue with control. I cannot let it happen that I just quickly and not properly do something. If someone saw me not doing my work properly I would feel out of control and my image in danger. The work has got to be done properly. Because as with my mother it matters that my job is done good and praised. I dont care about money. I dont care if I have to stay longer and work overtime for free. And I dont want any praise for that. Because that is my own problem. My issue with feeling out of control. As if loose ends are open. If I leave my work not up to standard. if it is not very properly done. Than I could be ruined and forever seen differently from the usual as I have in mind
So I totally dont believe anymore I am an animal since I started working again
I help people at work also often for free. It is not a problem at all. But critizise my work. Tell me that I did something not good enough and than we have a problem. The woman who gave me the complaint yesterday I noticed how uncomfortable she felt in the morning when she greeted me and asked me about how I am doing while looking at me sideways with touching her hair. In a way it made me feel good obviously (my ego) but on the other hand not. I dont want to make people uncomfortable or have such bad uncomofortable relationships.
I am doing someone at work a service by letting that person use my bank account to get paid because she only allowed to work 20 hours a week. And my mother wants me to take 10$ for that. Give her 10$ less from the pay she gets into my bank account everytime pay comes. She says this is totally normal. But never could I do such thing. Highly uncomfortable.
This way of how I am around people made me think so much of natrum muriaticum. Cause I am kind of 'correct' and feel uncomfortable with many things.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 05:29:39 GMT]
So I totally dont believe anymore I am an animal since I started working again
I help people at work also often for free. It is not a problem at all. But critizise my work. Tell me that I did something not good enough and than we have a problem. The woman who gave me the complaint yesterday I noticed how uncomfortable she felt in the morning when she greeted me and asked me about how I am doing while looking at me sideways with touching her hair. In a way it made me feel good obviously (my ego) but on the other hand not. I dont want to make people uncomfortable or have such bad uncomofortable relationships.
I am doing someone at work a service by letting that person use my bank account to get paid because she only allowed to work 20 hours a week. And my mother wants me to take 10$ for that. Give her 10$ less from the pay she gets into my bank account everytime pay comes. She says this is totally normal. But never could I do such thing. Highly uncomfortable.
This way of how I am around people made me think so much of natrum muriaticum. Cause I am kind of 'correct' and feel uncomfortable with many things.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 05:29:39 GMT]
starface last decade
Had another night where I felt unsafe but I managed it ok with self help. Simple statement of 'accepting my resistance' makes the pictures and oppression on head go away.
I had the following dreams and this must confirm it:
1. I was playing soccer again, we had practice and I sometimes scored goals as best as it gets.
2. This sexual inappropriate stuff. I did not have those dreams while taking Platina.
It was about seeing my brother touch another mans genital and thinking to myself. WTF? Did he do. Repulsed by it
3. I was in a classroom where a female was teaching us. I liked it. But than the celebrity Christina aquillera walked in to teach us as a substitute and my thoughts where about if I am called on by her I hope I won't have my anxiety problem. I was in this controlling state.
4. I was praised by a worker how everything is so clean
5. A woman at work was crazy because she accused me of something. It was an insignificant matter but she went so far as to even call the police for it. So I was fine with it and getting ready to defend myself and again hoped my anxiety wont get in my way. So that I will do a good job at it. So than I walked out of the room with the crazy woman and the above thing - dream number 4 happened... That I got praised for my good work, everything being so clean by a worker who walked by. But this kinda low since its just a cleaning job.
... The frequent sexual inappropriate dreams appearing AGAIN recently, plus the one about soccer here make me think of platina.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 20:28:14 GMT]
I had the following dreams and this must confirm it:
1. I was playing soccer again, we had practice and I sometimes scored goals as best as it gets.
2. This sexual inappropriate stuff. I did not have those dreams while taking Platina.
It was about seeing my brother touch another mans genital and thinking to myself. WTF? Did he do. Repulsed by it
3. I was in a classroom where a female was teaching us. I liked it. But than the celebrity Christina aquillera walked in to teach us as a substitute and my thoughts where about if I am called on by her I hope I won't have my anxiety problem. I was in this controlling state.
4. I was praised by a worker how everything is so clean
5. A woman at work was crazy because she accused me of something. It was an insignificant matter but she went so far as to even call the police for it. So I was fine with it and getting ready to defend myself and again hoped my anxiety wont get in my way. So that I will do a good job at it. So than I walked out of the room with the crazy woman and the above thing - dream number 4 happened... That I got praised for my good work, everything being so clean by a worker who walked by. But this kinda low since its just a cleaning job.
... The frequent sexual inappropriate dreams appearing AGAIN recently, plus the one about soccer here make me think of platina.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 16 Mar 2012 20:28:14 GMT]
starface last decade
Well to no suprise really I am feeling a bit of peace in this diseased way today all day. The feeling of that something great has happened or been achieved. Something like that. A song playing in my head all day, which just adds to it and the atmosphere. I havent taken a bath for years. Only showers but today since the feeling is 'I have made it' or something like that. A bath necessary to relax with this 'success'.
Just feelings of freedom and peace, as if war over and the image I sometimes get from the feeling is as if windows opening and birds peacefully going out the window like in movies when peace restores after war. I guess a symbolism of peace. No war peace again.
Ok this might sound much crazier than it really is. Its just a picture that comes from the feeling at times. Its a childish way from watching to many movies I guess (lol). And I am perfectly aware of what and why this is happening.
There is a thin line between this state and the depressed lonely state. Since the awareness brings me in the depressed lonely state, but than I reject it which is 'normal'.
I am awaiting the remedy from homeopath. I could never tell my homeopath those things about the 'special' thing. I would feel way to embarassed. Since I know how ridicoulus this is when I am around people in conversation. Therefore I think I am not to delusioned at all. And hence why the 10M caused this trouble I assume. I thought its just my mind from reading to much material but the scary pictures at night often were of scary looking queens and ugly disgusting looking human beings that looked like the devil and a woman that is half machine half human... those were most frequent pictures
I get a bit delusional maybe when I am alone. To ward of the depression and loneliness I guess.But nothing over the top.
I think if someone feels special, than he going to give this vibe out to other people. And in his behavior he will act differently, 'special' because of that feeling in him. So this in the end makes him unique and special. Therefore it is not like this bad thing I have in my mind, this fear where it looks so fake and not genuine. There is nothing worse than someone being ordinary but pretending special or boasting. This looks so terrible, wrong and fake, like fake gold jewelry. I dont think I am appearing that way at all. When I feel ordinary I appear that way. When I feel special I believe it is visible to other people so that makes me that way than to them, no? It is visible on my face than.
Anyway I feel embarassed talking about that and am just wondering when someone going to attack me or ridicule me about this 'special' thing lol. Its a vulnerability.
I havent really achieved anything or done anything great and I dont need to. Because when the oppurtunity will come for that I know I could with my mind and abilities (if I got a bit of boost in self confidence that is)
ok enough of me. Just had to get my daily fix of talking about myself lol, sorry
[message edited by starface on Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:53:01 GMT]
Just feelings of freedom and peace, as if war over and the image I sometimes get from the feeling is as if windows opening and birds peacefully going out the window like in movies when peace restores after war. I guess a symbolism of peace. No war peace again.
Ok this might sound much crazier than it really is. Its just a picture that comes from the feeling at times. Its a childish way from watching to many movies I guess (lol). And I am perfectly aware of what and why this is happening.
There is a thin line between this state and the depressed lonely state. Since the awareness brings me in the depressed lonely state, but than I reject it which is 'normal'.
I am awaiting the remedy from homeopath. I could never tell my homeopath those things about the 'special' thing. I would feel way to embarassed. Since I know how ridicoulus this is when I am around people in conversation. Therefore I think I am not to delusioned at all. And hence why the 10M caused this trouble I assume. I thought its just my mind from reading to much material but the scary pictures at night often were of scary looking queens and ugly disgusting looking human beings that looked like the devil and a woman that is half machine half human... those were most frequent pictures
I get a bit delusional maybe when I am alone. To ward of the depression and loneliness I guess.But nothing over the top.
I think if someone feels special, than he going to give this vibe out to other people. And in his behavior he will act differently, 'special' because of that feeling in him. So this in the end makes him unique and special. Therefore it is not like this bad thing I have in my mind, this fear where it looks so fake and not genuine. There is nothing worse than someone being ordinary but pretending special or boasting. This looks so terrible, wrong and fake, like fake gold jewelry. I dont think I am appearing that way at all. When I feel ordinary I appear that way. When I feel special I believe it is visible to other people so that makes me that way than to them, no? It is visible on my face than.
Anyway I feel embarassed talking about that and am just wondering when someone going to attack me or ridicule me about this 'special' thing lol. Its a vulnerability.
I havent really achieved anything or done anything great and I dont need to. Because when the oppurtunity will come for that I know I could with my mind and abilities (if I got a bit of boost in self confidence that is)
ok enough of me. Just had to get my daily fix of talking about myself lol, sorry
[message edited by starface on Sat, 17 Mar 2012 01:53:01 GMT]
starface last decade
kind of back to the old. Not over emotional anymore.
I heard a song from the 90ies yesterday evening. 90ies songs remind me of the time when I was very young. When I lived in a foreign country. A rather lonely time, with no family or anything around except my parents and one brother in that foreign country. But parents often worked.
90ies music sounds so sad and depressing. Is it just me or does it just sound so horrible and has grief or neglect or something all over it, it is present in Almost any song from the 90ies.
If I am platina than I am probably since childhood that way. I assume this because I always was embarassed for my parents. when they had to go to school I did not like it. Never wanted my friends to see them. Never wanted friends to come to my home.
It is like this... Now for example I had no problem starting work at my mothers workplace even though everyone there knows the manager is my mother. No problem, because they saw her before me.
But whenever I am seen first and than my parents after that. Than there always used to be feelings of embarrassment and I never knew why. I thought this was normal. I never had a high opinion of myself. So I never knew what exactly I am embarassed for.I thought everyone feels that way to some degree. Embarrassed about showing his parents.
It could be something else. I dont know the reason for it.
I heard a song from the 90ies yesterday evening. 90ies songs remind me of the time when I was very young. When I lived in a foreign country. A rather lonely time, with no family or anything around except my parents and one brother in that foreign country. But parents often worked.
90ies music sounds so sad and depressing. Is it just me or does it just sound so horrible and has grief or neglect or something all over it, it is present in Almost any song from the 90ies.
If I am platina than I am probably since childhood that way. I assume this because I always was embarassed for my parents. when they had to go to school I did not like it. Never wanted my friends to see them. Never wanted friends to come to my home.
It is like this... Now for example I had no problem starting work at my mothers workplace even though everyone there knows the manager is my mother. No problem, because they saw her before me.
But whenever I am seen first and than my parents after that. Than there always used to be feelings of embarrassment and I never knew why. I thought this was normal. I never had a high opinion of myself. So I never knew what exactly I am embarassed for.I thought everyone feels that way to some degree. Embarrassed about showing his parents.
It could be something else. I dont know the reason for it.
starface last decade
Again a difficult time at night and had a nightmare. It was about the family friends who were here a few weeks ago... They were here with me and my brother. They were talking with my brother about his skin disease and once when everyone was asleep except me and one of the family friends (a woman) she told me that my brother got injected with Satan to stop his disease. I was starting to laugh. About how can you get injected with something that does not exist? And why inject 'Satan'? Than she replied something. I don't remember what. And I got scared. I looked over at the other side of the room to the doors as if I was afraid someone would enter. Than I wanted to get closer to the woman, out of fear. Like a child hiding or wanting protection. And here came the scary part. The woman had all of a sudden a strange smile on her face. She acted unfamiliar... This is exactly the problem I have at night often. Where I look at my brother sleeping in his bed when I walk around paranoid at night sometimes... That in my mind than out of fear I imagine my brother waking up and starting to behave like a totally different person from what I am used too. When I am paranoid at nights I have fear of looking at anyone. And now I know why. Cause I fear them starting to act unfamiliar from the normal like this woman did in the dream. She was the devil
The last suicidal dream I posted a few posts ago about a boy who wanted to commit suicide but than had second thoughts with a man coming than and not wanting that the boy decides to live was the devill too.
Ah all makes sense now. What the paranoia at night is about.
The last suicidal dream I posted a few posts ago about a boy who wanted to commit suicide but than had second thoughts with a man coming than and not wanting that the boy decides to live was the devill too.
Ah all makes sense now. What the paranoia at night is about.
starface last decade
I am just looking for clues in my dreams. Since I am told they often are the key to figuring out what is going on... And I like to understand things, get behind everything lol.
I know its all not real. It makes it easier now in fact knowing what my fear about.
I know its all not real. It makes it easier now in fact knowing what my fear about.
starface last decade
It would be better to write things
down in a dream journal and look
at that now and then.
What you pay attention to is where
you end up at- so you are setting
yourself up to be way way more
out of your body than in your body
and then you OPEN yourself up
to this stuff to come in WAY more-
The answers are within you - you do
not have to figure out dreams to
find them- dreams can be
manipulated and false depending
on whether you are in a good vibe
or low vibe-the answer is get
into your body and have control
of it -you don't go to outer space
to get info you work the body itself.
down in a dream journal and look
at that now and then.
What you pay attention to is where
you end up at- so you are setting
yourself up to be way way more
out of your body than in your body
and then you OPEN yourself up
to this stuff to come in WAY more-
The answers are within you - you do
not have to figure out dreams to
find them- dreams can be
manipulated and false depending
on whether you are in a good vibe
or low vibe-the answer is get
into your body and have control
of it -you don't go to outer space
to get info you work the body itself.
♡ simone717 last decade
^^
ok good. I noticed when I meditate that I feel better in body. Also when I took platina body felt good. As if I just somked a little of marijuana.
I know that platina helped me with this horrible feelings in stomach that used to cause all the trouble and BDD for me.
It also makes sense why platina helped with my BDD. It is all starting to make sense now. Since I had this love/hate thing with the mirror. On some days I would totally hate how I look because of some perceived flaws. And on other days totally feel good because I looked good (special). Suffering was about loosing this.
Loosing my appearance would make me feel like I dont exist anymore.
I should have known earlier about what remedy I need based on those 2 opposite states.
I also got that symptom. That every new day something looks changed on my face. It is no big change. A small one, as if my lip changing. Maybe I am to focused on it and stuck in too small details.
I am not cured. But the suffering and 'glue effect' of my compulsions has gone. Am not fixated anymore.
I hope to see my remedy into the mail tomorrow from the homeopath and wonder what it will be.
On the appointment I totally dont think the homeopath would think I need platina. Even though I mentioned the improvements I got from it. But still...
When I send her about what the problem with getting critizism at work was about for me she, just replied that it was very helpful.
I wanted to be platina because the special feeling I dont feel always. When depression came from failing at my self help quest and from all the good things I envisioned would happen in the future were I realized were not going to happen, so I started feeling less, less myself. As if becoming non existant.
ok good. I noticed when I meditate that I feel better in body. Also when I took platina body felt good. As if I just somked a little of marijuana.
I know that platina helped me with this horrible feelings in stomach that used to cause all the trouble and BDD for me.
It also makes sense why platina helped with my BDD. It is all starting to make sense now. Since I had this love/hate thing with the mirror. On some days I would totally hate how I look because of some perceived flaws. And on other days totally feel good because I looked good (special). Suffering was about loosing this.
Loosing my appearance would make me feel like I dont exist anymore.
I should have known earlier about what remedy I need based on those 2 opposite states.
I also got that symptom. That every new day something looks changed on my face. It is no big change. A small one, as if my lip changing. Maybe I am to focused on it and stuck in too small details.
I am not cured. But the suffering and 'glue effect' of my compulsions has gone. Am not fixated anymore.
I hope to see my remedy into the mail tomorrow from the homeopath and wonder what it will be.
On the appointment I totally dont think the homeopath would think I need platina. Even though I mentioned the improvements I got from it. But still...
When I send her about what the problem with getting critizism at work was about for me she, just replied that it was very helpful.
I wanted to be platina because the special feeling I dont feel always. When depression came from failing at my self help quest and from all the good things I envisioned would happen in the future were I realized were not going to happen, so I started feeling less, less myself. As if becoming non existant.
starface last decade
The depression and self destruction with BDD could not have been anything else but the syphilitic miasm. I cannot imagine that there is a miasm beyond how I felt. That there is a whole another level and even a worse state of how someone can feel depressed. Not possible. It was pretty much as bad as it gets... I was in a state where I was slowly dieing day by day.
starface last decade
Could it be that the 10M of platina opened up my sub conscious and brought up all the ugly scary things from it?
Is there an explanation? This remedy felt so deep.
Is what happened curative or not? Have I become stuck or something. Or did all the things just open up but not get cured. Are staying up on the surface?
As I said a few weeks after I had the paranoia when I aggravated from the 10M with the ' everything felt kind of dead' like feelings (still as in meditation except it had a still but kind of dead feel to it - not still in a good way). My mind was slowed down I think... so I recovered from this. No more issues at nights after a few weeks passed. All was ok again. But when I started working a few months later all of a sudden it came back. I guess from having had to wake up much earlier and tiredness from work that caused this. Which I wasnt used to. Again I got pictures when I would close my eyes as on the day of the 10M aggravation.
Is there any explanation for this? and what should be done? So I can compare to what my homeopath will suggest to do.
Is there an explanation? This remedy felt so deep.
Is what happened curative or not? Have I become stuck or something. Or did all the things just open up but not get cured. Are staying up on the surface?
As I said a few weeks after I had the paranoia when I aggravated from the 10M with the ' everything felt kind of dead' like feelings (still as in meditation except it had a still but kind of dead feel to it - not still in a good way). My mind was slowed down I think... so I recovered from this. No more issues at nights after a few weeks passed. All was ok again. But when I started working a few months later all of a sudden it came back. I guess from having had to wake up much earlier and tiredness from work that caused this. Which I wasnt used to. Again I got pictures when I would close my eyes as on the day of the 10M aggravation.
Is there any explanation for this? and what should be done? So I can compare to what my homeopath will suggest to do.
starface last decade
You cannot know your miasm. If you think you are syphilitic it is likely you are not. Of course with only 10 choices it is possible to get a lucky guess but very unlikely, since the miasm hides itself in plain sight. In other words you cannot recognize it from your side, because it distorts your own view of it.
You are still fixated on Platina. You are not better for taking it. In many ways you are worse, because it has become part of your obsessive behaviour. No curative remedy could become part of your problem. Let it go. You were wrong, it is not your remedy. You are fooling yourself into believing it helped you because you continue to idealise the Platina state, even though your ideas about Platina are comletely wrong.
I can see you laying the ground work to begin undermining the homoeopath now. You should not be trying to 'compare to what the homoeopath will suggest'. How will you compare, when you have no knowledge or understanding of homoeopathy? Stop pretending that you can do this. Just accept you are unable to find your own remedy. It is ruining your chances at ever being a healthy person.
You are still fixated on Platina. You are not better for taking it. In many ways you are worse, because it has become part of your obsessive behaviour. No curative remedy could become part of your problem. Let it go. You were wrong, it is not your remedy. You are fooling yourself into believing it helped you because you continue to idealise the Platina state, even though your ideas about Platina are comletely wrong.
I can see you laying the ground work to begin undermining the homoeopath now. You should not be trying to 'compare to what the homoeopath will suggest'. How will you compare, when you have no knowledge or understanding of homoeopathy? Stop pretending that you can do this. Just accept you are unable to find your own remedy. It is ruining your chances at ever being a healthy person.
♡ brisbanehomoeopath last decade
I am so surprised by your continues statements that I am not Platina. By your certainty of it.
Hmm I have a new theme that appeared 2 times now in this week in my dreams. It is about being high up in the air. Ie today I had a skateboard and was doing tricks in front of friends and I was jumping so high (i did the tricks mid air) that everyone wondered how I did not brake my bones when landing.
In another a few days ago when I was on holiday with family I was jumping high into the air and landing into the water where everyone was swimming. This happened continuously.
And there was a dream about what could have been snakes tonight. Something thin crawling so I had to make sure to kill it and get it out of my house
Hmm I have a new theme that appeared 2 times now in this week in my dreams. It is about being high up in the air. Ie today I had a skateboard and was doing tricks in front of friends and I was jumping so high (i did the tricks mid air) that everyone wondered how I did not brake my bones when landing.
In another a few days ago when I was on holiday with family I was jumping high into the air and landing into the water where everyone was swimming. This happened continuously.
And there was a dream about what could have been snakes tonight. Something thin crawling so I had to make sure to kill it and get it out of my house
starface last decade
Hard to keep away from talking about dreams. In dreams something is happening, excitement, action. In life it is not.
To David:
Ok I am going to believe you that I am not Platina. Because you keep saying this so I assume there must be truth to it. I am again in this state where I want to know nothing but the truth about who I am. And am not going to blindly think of something. I just talked about Platina because I was sure of it being me.
But ok something doesn't fi maybe. I am to much of a sucker and nice person to be it I think. Because I just sold something over the Internet to someone. And with that I gave them something I don't need anymore for free. Also with shipping cost I said it is less than it actually is after finding the real costout today. But I shipped it anyway and expect that the person will be honest enough to give me more for shipping when I ask. I am emotionally kind of weak. I better do not have a business or I would get bankrupt immediately. This is one side or the other side is to do things totally egoistically. Because I assume to get attacked if I try to look out for myself
To David:
Ok I am going to believe you that I am not Platina. Because you keep saying this so I assume there must be truth to it. I am again in this state where I want to know nothing but the truth about who I am. And am not going to blindly think of something. I just talked about Platina because I was sure of it being me.
But ok something doesn't fi maybe. I am to much of a sucker and nice person to be it I think. Because I just sold something over the Internet to someone. And with that I gave them something I don't need anymore for free. Also with shipping cost I said it is less than it actually is after finding the real costout today. But I shipped it anyway and expect that the person will be honest enough to give me more for shipping when I ask. I am emotionally kind of weak. I better do not have a business or I would get bankrupt immediately. This is one side or the other side is to do things totally egoistically. Because I assume to get attacked if I try to look out for myself
starface last decade
But even when I am egoistic it doesn't last long because I feel regret quickly and that it is wrong. Hmm
Ok not Platina, it was totally wrong of me to think that
Ok not Platina, it was totally wrong of me to think that
starface last decade
I know I am not ready yet
... I had my worst morning at work to date, bad feelings. I just wanted to go home so that noone sees me. It wasn't as bad as in the past. I felt the stress in stomach and everywhere but not totally as if there is just the bad feelings and nothing else.
So this was going on until I heard a woman say at workplace that she feels sad and bad on Saturdays and Sunday's when I am not here. This changed the day and validated my reality.
I am operating from a disease point where all this is still very important to me and don't see any other way. So that is how it is unfortunately.
The comment made me feel like when I was in school many years ago where i felt good by all the attention and interest I have gotten from girls etc. it is not like I showed any interest on the outside or let any girl close. I rather distanced myself and acted annoyed by it all at times.
Sooo that is how it is with me.
... I had my worst morning at work to date, bad feelings. I just wanted to go home so that noone sees me. It wasn't as bad as in the past. I felt the stress in stomach and everywhere but not totally as if there is just the bad feelings and nothing else.
So this was going on until I heard a woman say at workplace that she feels sad and bad on Saturdays and Sunday's when I am not here. This changed the day and validated my reality.
I am operating from a disease point where all this is still very important to me and don't see any other way. So that is how it is unfortunately.
The comment made me feel like when I was in school many years ago where i felt good by all the attention and interest I have gotten from girls etc. it is not like I showed any interest on the outside or let any girl close. I rather distanced myself and acted annoyed by it all at times.
Sooo that is how it is with me.
starface last decade
Why are you still doing this? Nobody here is prescribing for you. Nobody here is managing your case. Why are you continuing to spill all these personal details? These things should be going straight to your homoeopath not being wasted here. What is the point of all this? Why would you be telling us all this when telling the homoeopath might cure you?
♡ brisbanehomoeopath last decade
Ouch...
It's Monday and still no remedy in my mail.... I don't want to bombard the homeopath with to many emails/details. I an Keeping my distance. Because it turns out always bad otherwise. And I don't have much faith in her. Because she seems uninterested. I don't get any signs from her to think anything else but that.
Work so uncomfortable with this 1 resident living there. Who wants to put sweets in my mouth always, tells me this things that she feels bad Saturday's & Sunday's while I am not there. I don't know how to deal with this. Obviously I want her to stop this but never could I say such thing to someone face to face. Getting compliments is nice but there is fear She will start doing more uncomfortable things. That it will get to much. As in sexual advancement or whatever. Maybe i am unrealistic but i dont know. The woman is 70. Not like the usual granny. But you can tell she has a high opinion of herself. Apparently she was a millionaire and model, therefore
I hate having to deal with such sticky situations
It's Monday and still no remedy in my mail.... I don't want to bombard the homeopath with to many emails/details. I an Keeping my distance. Because it turns out always bad otherwise. And I don't have much faith in her. Because she seems uninterested. I don't get any signs from her to think anything else but that.
Work so uncomfortable with this 1 resident living there. Who wants to put sweets in my mouth always, tells me this things that she feels bad Saturday's & Sunday's while I am not there. I don't know how to deal with this. Obviously I want her to stop this but never could I say such thing to someone face to face. Getting compliments is nice but there is fear She will start doing more uncomfortable things. That it will get to much. As in sexual advancement or whatever. Maybe i am unrealistic but i dont know. The woman is 70. Not like the usual granny. But you can tell she has a high opinion of herself. Apparently she was a millionaire and model, therefore
I hate having to deal with such sticky situations
starface last decade
no remedy yet in mail or any replies. Ok this is bad from the homeopath. Now would be the time to contact her to see what is going on... but I am not going to. It is because I dont lay much hope on her. The case taking was nothing extraordinary. That is why. It is not my 'unreasonable' ego.
There are a few things I am interested in knowing whether this means I am low or high:
1.) Like I mentioned in previous posts I sold something over the internet. I got less money for shipping the packet than it actually cost which was my own mistake. I just said its 10$ when it was 15$... thinking that if it will be more than 10$ I can always ask for the difference later. Which I had the intention to do. But today I am unable to. How is it going to make me look asking for 5$ more dollars. This is small change. I am going to make myself look so disgusting If I did that. So I cant. There is 20% desire to get the money since I dont earn that much and throwing money away like that isnt good. but 80% of it is that it feels impossible to ask for it based on how it would make me feel. Low, disgusting, vulnerable to attack?? humiliation asking for 5$ more dollars?
2.) something that happened while I was having my break. I had something to eat in front of the workplace on a bench... While the 'owner' of the workplace came by. He is above the manager. He was carrying a table and dropped a big piece of the table close to me. About 3 metres away from me. So my first reaction seeing that there was of haughtiness or something. Since this is a vulnerable situation where I could get attacked for. I am not going to pick it up. Because that would be a situation where I could end up looking very small. And I am not going to pick it up so that I am not going to be one of those idiots who suck up to the boss etc.
So basically there were thoughts of I could of get attacked but than as the situation got on. And he put the table he was carrying on the ground next to me to clean it a bit. I had the thought that I need to pick up that thing and give it to him. Because this is the right thing. Otherwise I would feel bad and guilty for a long time.
A bit strange to get this reaction than, no?
I see with me the high/low thing, the liked/disliked thing, the having done something wrong/ the right thing.
on 1st place is the high/low thing. Most important to me. And ... .. since I did not help the moment he dropped something.
than comes the doing the right/wrong thing.
Only moments later did it start appearing to me that I am not going to do the right thing and the owner going to remember this. He wont have a good opinion of me anymore.
that is basically why I picked it up. I cannot deal with it when people think bad of me.
so there was than 'the need for the good opinion' or not wanting to ruin this vs. not wanting to look like an idiot, kiss ass who does everything just 'to be good' with the people above him. And to not look bad - low. Maybe it isnt that I want a good opinion... just not that people think bad of me... Or is that the same thing lol
3. ALso a new younger girl started working where I work at today. And she brought up some strange feelings in me.
She looked like that ordinary, nothing. SHe had nothing going for her. Personality, behavior was like that as if she was born on a farm. Appearance - nothing going for her there aswell. Nothing good, not even just a part, like her eyes or whatever.
I think I was contemptous of her but just in my mind. Not to a great degree. Just a little. And this girl made me see what people like about me. I got appearance & personality that is different and fits together. That portrays something. And me acting like a slave or ever looking like I am a person that cannot hold his ground or is a pushover, or a kiss ass is a danger to me. Than this image I have of me and what my behaviors portay dissapear and I am exposed as being 'nothing'. If I started behaving like a pig without manners at work this would of been remembered forever by the people working there and never would I be seen the same again, and I would loose something.
... In the morning I felt terrible again. Bad feelings stomach, throat. Those are the bad sensations I had when my bdd was a problem. But as the day got on I felt better.
My hairloss is worrying me. I spent all evening looking for some usefull products that could help. And am going to order some today. I dont want to loose my hair. It isnt crazy or compulsive. Just dont want to loose it and going to do something about it. It is bad once doing something about the hairloss is not even an option, but just stare in the mirror and stress about the lost hair... than it is bad. which is how it all used to be.
There are a few things I am interested in knowing whether this means I am low or high:
1.) Like I mentioned in previous posts I sold something over the internet. I got less money for shipping the packet than it actually cost which was my own mistake. I just said its 10$ when it was 15$... thinking that if it will be more than 10$ I can always ask for the difference later. Which I had the intention to do. But today I am unable to. How is it going to make me look asking for 5$ more dollars. This is small change. I am going to make myself look so disgusting If I did that. So I cant. There is 20% desire to get the money since I dont earn that much and throwing money away like that isnt good. but 80% of it is that it feels impossible to ask for it based on how it would make me feel. Low, disgusting, vulnerable to attack?? humiliation asking for 5$ more dollars?
2.) something that happened while I was having my break. I had something to eat in front of the workplace on a bench... While the 'owner' of the workplace came by. He is above the manager. He was carrying a table and dropped a big piece of the table close to me. About 3 metres away from me. So my first reaction seeing that there was of haughtiness or something. Since this is a vulnerable situation where I could get attacked for. I am not going to pick it up. Because that would be a situation where I could end up looking very small. And I am not going to pick it up so that I am not going to be one of those idiots who suck up to the boss etc.
So basically there were thoughts of I could of get attacked but than as the situation got on. And he put the table he was carrying on the ground next to me to clean it a bit. I had the thought that I need to pick up that thing and give it to him. Because this is the right thing. Otherwise I would feel bad and guilty for a long time.
A bit strange to get this reaction than, no?
I see with me the high/low thing, the liked/disliked thing, the having done something wrong/ the right thing.
on 1st place is the high/low thing. Most important to me. And ... .. since I did not help the moment he dropped something.
than comes the doing the right/wrong thing.
Only moments later did it start appearing to me that I am not going to do the right thing and the owner going to remember this. He wont have a good opinion of me anymore.
that is basically why I picked it up. I cannot deal with it when people think bad of me.
so there was than 'the need for the good opinion' or not wanting to ruin this vs. not wanting to look like an idiot, kiss ass who does everything just 'to be good' with the people above him. And to not look bad - low. Maybe it isnt that I want a good opinion... just not that people think bad of me... Or is that the same thing lol
3. ALso a new younger girl started working where I work at today. And she brought up some strange feelings in me.
She looked like that ordinary, nothing. SHe had nothing going for her. Personality, behavior was like that as if she was born on a farm. Appearance - nothing going for her there aswell. Nothing good, not even just a part, like her eyes or whatever.
I think I was contemptous of her but just in my mind. Not to a great degree. Just a little. And this girl made me see what people like about me. I got appearance & personality that is different and fits together. That portrays something. And me acting like a slave or ever looking like I am a person that cannot hold his ground or is a pushover, or a kiss ass is a danger to me. Than this image I have of me and what my behaviors portay dissapear and I am exposed as being 'nothing'. If I started behaving like a pig without manners at work this would of been remembered forever by the people working there and never would I be seen the same again, and I would loose something.
... In the morning I felt terrible again. Bad feelings stomach, throat. Those are the bad sensations I had when my bdd was a problem. But as the day got on I felt better.
My hairloss is worrying me. I spent all evening looking for some usefull products that could help. And am going to order some today. I dont want to loose my hair. It isnt crazy or compulsive. Just dont want to loose it and going to do something about it. It is bad once doing something about the hairloss is not even an option, but just stare in the mirror and stress about the lost hair... than it is bad. which is how it all used to be.
starface last decade
at work if my mother just slightly treats me bad. Too dictatorial or what is worst of all 'wants to correct me about how to do something' when others are around I tell her to f*** off immediately (lol). I get so angry if she wants to make me look like I dont do something good enough... and this makes her dissapear quickly thankfully
Good that me and my mother speak a different language otherwise I dont know what people would think of me. I doubt anyone their could ever even imagine me being like that.
I dont think anyone at work could say anything negative of me. Not even 1 thing. I simply cannot think of it. Today I was slightly slower in the kitchen with washing dishes. But I constantly kept telling myself to work faster and faster, since I am just working 1 hour in the kitchen everyday and my wish is to clean all the dishes that need to be washed which is quite a lot. So on days if I am too slow I stay until all is done regardless. Even though my other work is waiting for me at the other department. Which means I will work for free. Since I have fixed pay for 4 hours regardless of how long I actually work.
.. I could not have it that the other woman in the kitchen would be unhappy with me and bemoan why I wasnt fast enough to clean all the dishes so that she now has to finish cleaning them.
That is how I am at work. And why I dont think anyone could really have something negative about me to say.
I dont think I am the best worker their. And this isnt about that.
Good that me and my mother speak a different language otherwise I dont know what people would think of me. I doubt anyone their could ever even imagine me being like that.
I dont think anyone at work could say anything negative of me. Not even 1 thing. I simply cannot think of it. Today I was slightly slower in the kitchen with washing dishes. But I constantly kept telling myself to work faster and faster, since I am just working 1 hour in the kitchen everyday and my wish is to clean all the dishes that need to be washed which is quite a lot. So on days if I am too slow I stay until all is done regardless. Even though my other work is waiting for me at the other department. Which means I will work for free. Since I have fixed pay for 4 hours regardless of how long I actually work.
.. I could not have it that the other woman in the kitchen would be unhappy with me and bemoan why I wasnt fast enough to clean all the dishes so that she now has to finish cleaning them.
That is how I am at work. And why I dont think anyone could really have something negative about me to say.
I dont think I am the best worker their. And this isnt about that.
starface last decade
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