Feeling Fragile & Sensitive, Please Help :) _{Page 3 of 6}

Also this last week there have been more times when I felt anger come up. I have been trying to be more B-) independent and take initiative on my own.

But I feel like I am working really hard and struggling to stay on track. Like I started writing out what I want to create for products to sell online and be a vendor or classes to teach.

But then I am not actually re maming my website or ordering things to make products. Or making things with what I already have. Its like I struggle with getting things into manifestation or completing things. I have to force myself to start but seem to get stuck in the beginning of things.

I also feel mad because I went through this a few years ago and got myself out there. But then other people got really competitive and I got impacted by their cruelity or them manipulating others (one girl lied and said I did not have my license and could not teach-

but I did and I emailed them my teaching certificate- she told me to take pictures, i got in trouble and then she denied that she did this and I never got paid!) Eventually various things impacted me so much and I got sick that I stopped teaching.

And stopped being plugged in and connected. so now I feel I am starting all over again. And I am afraid people see me as a failure or won't take me serious. On top of the fact that I am afraid to teach again or offer my products.

I also wish I could have help getting my business off the ground again. Yet I feel I will have no help. And yet I want to do it on my oen. But then I feel alone and angry and rejected and sad. I need to let go of being so angry at these situations in the past.

But I dont want to feel bad or angry if I am doing this on my own. I wish I could feel excited and have enough self confidence to go back out there and take on life by the sack. But I feel the only way I have gotten anywhere is with this

"fine Ill do it on my own!!!!" -Sort of a Mad and alone feeling. Like when I was a kid. And I wanted my parents and teachers to be there for me to help me how to learn to be independent and self sufficient.

But instead my parents wanted me to be needy and rely on them till a very late age. My family have a lot of co dependent issues. My parents do not stand in their individual strength. They want to be taken care of. They never acted like parents. I tried to act like a parent, I wanted to fix things.

But I was just a kid. And I know I feel like I failed my parents. But in therapy they say its not my fault. They never helped me to figure out how to be on my own and strong in myself. They always secretly push their agenda wanting me to still be a little kid.

They never helped me figure out school, taxes etc. So irresponsible. i have struggled so long to stay afloat in the world. Many times being almost homeless and living on and off with my abusive ex becasue I had no where else to go.

And my parents home was too toxic and still to a degree is mebtally, energetically and toxic in the house itself(dirty/filthy and messy) Its not my job to clean uo their house.

I had good credit and was abke to self sustain on my own for a while. That felt great!! Right now I only work part time and would nor be able to work full time and have my own place if I was not with my partner. As he takes care of most of the bills.

And yet that too is something. After a while of working full time in the past I felt like I was being tird down or felt restrained. And then I wanted to venture other places. Its like I feel good when I travel far away or change jobs or I felt good if I lived somewhere new. Like I had a fresh start. Where its a clean state. And people are seeing me for the first time.

I looooooveee traveing and going on adventures so much. I feel a part of me is irresponsible and just wants to have fun and sort of forgets priorities. And yet I also want to be responsible. And know I need that discipline if I am to get ahead and havr money to go to school. But I am just all over the place and it is hard for me to stick to one thing. Its almost like I get this anxiety when something is consistant for a while.

I wonder if underneath I let things subconsciously play out for stuff to fall apart. I think I get scared when faced with something that lookd like it is going to be a struggle and dont fight hard enough or have had enough confidence to overcome those things in the past.

And I feel afraid that the same thing is going to happen again. Do maybe that is why I have been feeling more anger and anxiety and sadness. I am trying so hard to be positive and optimisitc but this other part of me feels wounded by others viciousness towards walking all over me, stealing my ideas or even business name and afraid and angry because it could happen again. And I dont want to get beaten uo emotionaly, bullied or humiliated again. I cant stand others judging me.

And for some reasin I am afraid others are going to judge me and see my starting my biz then stopping it and then going back out there again as I am a failure or that they wont take me serious or whatever.

Its so hard to start again when I feel like I failed before. Even though it was due to me being sick. I think alot of stuff is maybe made out of proportion in my head and not as serious as I think it is. I make stories and things that happebed maybe worse then they really are. I want to stop being afraid. AI want courage and inner strength and resiliency. I want to feel powerful and like a queen or king. Feel so powerful and appear so powerful that no one even thinks for a moment to try to mess with me or attenpt to start rumors or talk trash and stop bullying me.

And I want to feel awesome like maybe an athlete who goes for the gold. And just continues to persevere and just knows they are going to win the gold medal for the olympics.

I want to be on the top! I want to be a powerful leader. Still a loving person but an enpowrred person. I have amazing visions of a better world. And I feel I could cobtribute so much if I could shift this energy in me. I want to inspire huge shifts in this world as we wake up collectively to a new age of love, connection, humanatarian focus and community.

I am sorry for bugging you so much. I wish I knew if it did not cost that much to skype and pay for a consult (fsce to fsce skype) if it would help you to see my facial expressions and hand gestures.

I hope you can help even though you cant hear my tone of voice or face or hand gestures. Because I really want to get better. And I feel honeopathy has helped me the most and is my only hope to finally come back to ny power so I can bring my love, gifts and inspiration to then help the world be a better place.

Thanks again.

I took homeopathic hydrogen 200c 12 or 13 days ago.
The day was on 3/8 or 3/9 and now it is 3/21.

The other part of my case-
violent nausea http://abchomeopathy.com/forum2.php/468764/

Ok.

I do still feel sick today but not as much as yesterday. I dont think there has been other aggregations as the recent fustrations are due to trying to get back into getting out there as a practioner and teacher. I feel like the violent nausea was trigerred from the stress and all the emotional stuff that has come uo. Because I felt sick before like this 2 years ago and it kicked in from those stresses of feeling sensitive from people and how they acted. So all of those same emotions are now at the forefront

I took another dose like you said. I will let you know how I feel in a few days. Thank you.

I had a super powerful dream about my abusive ex B last night. I think it might have been past life related. He was so crazy. He tried hurting my family. And actually caused a train to crash. And I was separated from my fiance for a few years and thought he was dead.

But we reunited and in the same scene B said how much he missed me. And I yelled at him and told him to get out of my life for good. He said he was sooo sorry. He wish he had not hurt me.

So I think that is was past life stuff with ex B it is interesting where I had a few deep experiences of loosing a few people that were super important in this life. Where it was due to other people coming in and not wanting me to have my connections with these people. You were one of those people. I think I felt the most loss and sadness when I felt I had lost jn and this friendship.

I am so glad that no matter what we went through wr have always come back in each other's lifes and continued to have our bond and friendship! an or someone like B and had replayed stuff out in this life.

That's why he had elements of feeling bad for hurting me and wanted to makeup for his flaws but always reverted back to his wicked and destructive ways. Even Lauren had those elements and I think that's why it hit my core because I lost my fiance before in a past life and did not want that again.
This past life had to do with being separated from my fiance for a few years. Where I thought he died.

He was on a train which crashed. My ex was in the dream told me he did not want anyone else to have me. And he had to do what he needed to do so no one else could have me. I told him I never want to see him again. And I actually found my fiance and was reunited with him after so many years of trying to heal and move forward from loosing him. That's why I have had many times of being so afraid of loosing people in this life.

And it is interesting where I had a few deep experiences of loosing a few people that were super important in this life. Where it was due to other people coming in and not wanting me to have my connections with these people. jn were one of those people.

I think I felt the most loss and sadness when I felt I had lost my friendship with one guy that my ex was most cruel with. I am so glad that no matter what we went through we have always come back in each other's lifes and continued to have our bond and friendship!

This also plays out with what happened with my fiances ex trting to detroy our relationship last year and how I got really protrctive and Fought so hard not to loose him

My whole life has had many of these themes of loosing someone. Or fear of loosing someone. All due to destructive peoople or experiences that have caused a barrier between me and the ones thaf mean the most to me. I also have had this woth my brothers girlfriend where she kept me from my family and was also cruel and destructivde.

And situations play out in job situations where someone kicks me or pushes me out of the circle. This makes so mucb sense! Dreams are powerful!

I have cleared up so much. But this sadness keeps coming up. The last few days I have sadness coming up. I just mope around the house. I feel lost and withoit purpose. I do not even want to go to work. Its like I dont even want to be around people at work.

Yes it feels good to help. But I am acrually relieved when I dont have to be bothered by customers or bothered even for that matter by my co workers. lately I also do not have as much of an appetite.

I know in the past I would eat if I was upset. But now there is not much appetite. I have to force myself to eat and drink water which my dr told me to add electrolytes to and salt to my food because of my low blood pressure and prone tendency towards dehydrtion.

I think if it was not for the low blood sugar and not for that I need food like anyone else to live I would not eat.

Also I normally love pizza, pasta with tomatoe sauce and ketchup but it all bothers me and I feel gross thinking of eating it.

I am mostly having smoothies with plant based protein added and then have bee hmmmm eating bland like brown rice quinoa and veggie or tofu. Even that stuff is not enjoyable to eat. The only thing I really like are a few chocolate chips here and there. Or some light fruit or a few chips.

I dont even think Im getting enough calories.

I have been trying to dance to the wii when I can. I seem to have a hard time as i get worn out, tired quickly and dont even want to do it but I know excercise is good for the endorphins.

Also this last week. I have been cleaning our place a lot! I have been organizing which feels good. Today I cleaned though because its better then sleeping all day and feeling depressed. It bugs me that not all of the stuff is organized and I am working hard to make a pile of stuff to tag sale with the rest to donate. I usually am very cluttered (though I dont like it and feel better when stuff is clean and organized) I go through phases if cleabing and not cleaning.

I still feel sad but at least the house feels better and hopefully when my mood brightens it means those times can be focused on having fun and enjoying myself.

I think the only things that would make me feel better was being outside somewhere where it is really warm. Soaking up the sun! Like at the beach on the warm sand. Or lying on grass in the summer. I feel cold and after posting will probably curl up under a whole bunch of blankets. Or if I was in a happy mood gardening in warm weather, dancing, hiking or going outside(I only like the warmth)

I feel probably most sad because I know I am putting off trying to get ny business going again and stressed about wanting to go to school but I have only been working part time. I had more hours before and felt really needed at my job and like working almost full time but then hired another girl. I was worried at first how she would act. But shes really nice and I am a lot better and more knowledgeable at my job and I give her pointers. And my work continues to praise me.

I dont know how to balance getting another job with this with juggling 2 schedules and then having time to relax which also means cutting into enjoying the warmer months.

I hate feeling tied down or cobtrained by jobs. I like to pick out when I work. That's why I like art modeing. I am looking at going for the para professional exam(help students as an aide in school) because they can call you as a daily sub and you can choose if you want to go in that day or not. And I like that sort of thing.

I also have a good flow at my job and do not want to rock the boat if I add another job that turns into a stressful job as I also know that my emotional well being is important to me and I feel sort of overwhelmed into how much I can realisticaly take on. I want to go at a steady pace.

I think most of this stress comes from wanting a second job and not being sure if I can swing both part times.

I also feel stressed because I want to get my healing yoga business going again and I am staling and feel I am keeping myself in limbo land because I feel super stuck. Like I cant take lift off, or leap. Like something is holding me down and holding me back!

And I get afraid of getting into another situation where I feel trapted, stuck or in a cage!

I want to be free. Thats it. When I close my eyes and imagine me going out and having a second job or teaching yoga again I imagine other people coming in... dominating people... aggressive people...

as if they are predators or trappers and that they're going to hurt me, violate me. I feel scared I don't want to go to this place that I'm afraid of I don't want to see the images but I feel like I'm curled up in a little ball and not wanting these people ever to come into my life again....

Thoughts in my head:

don't hurt me. feeling vulnerable and scared and feeling like an easy target... like a hurt animal... like Im getting abused... I don't want anyone to trap me again, EVER AGAIN!!!

No one to tie me down!! I feel like I need to make sure that I have a way to escape... I like having many exits I have many ways out and sometimes when I feel like I'm being trapped in a situation I think in my head how I can get out of it and wanting to get as far away as possible.

this is definitely how I act when I get anxiety attacks. I especially hate it when they happen in public. I dont want people seeing me like this.

I cant eved hang out with my parents or go out if I feel like this becuse if I am sick or sad or stressed out I have lower tolerance and ability to defend myself or guard myself from others wether it is creating and maintaining healthy boundaries, protect myself or not get impacted by others energy or demeaner...

and when my fiance tries to help me with my anxiety attacks if he comes towards me I feel like I'm going to get attacked and that's why I have to fly away and I specially get afraid if I get stuck in a corner when I'm having anxiety attack when I'm around my fiance.

I also think this is why sometimes I have felt angry or have yelled at him or acted out of anger with him. Its like a scared animal when they feel violeted, or trapt or disrespected. Sometimes they cower, sometimes they shiver, sometimes they growl or try to bite or want to look scary and get aggressive. They actually are not mean at all. Just trying to protect themselves. And its a lot harder to do when they are trapped or cornered.

And whaf is an animal to do if most of its life it has bee hmmmm trapped and now its not trapped and has a good home!?!

Well they still are going to have triggers because they were abused so lon. And thats how I feel. I wish I could not feel this sadness, anger, fear. I wish I could be liberated from all of it. I have had these kinds of experiences all of my life. And I feel this is my repeating story and pattern that is so ingrained. And I want to be free for life!

And know I will never be trapped again and feel good that I can keep myself safe bt listening to my animal instincts and also reconnect with that natural confidence that an animal or person that was not trapped or abused feels where they know they can handle other people. With no fear just confidence and being able to take on life responsibility and handle all sorts of people problems with full confidence!!


maybe the sadness is coming up because of everything it went through because although it was so traumaticeven as a kid I grew up feeling lost, confused, alone, defenseless and vulnerable. As a kid I even would hide when my brother my dad fought And afraid someone would die!

All my life I've had dreams of people chasing me animals chasing me. Dreams about being caught and trapped dreams of being hurt by predators and no escaping.

even with my experience with my abusive ex was this feeling of being trapped. I felt like I was in a prison with no way out. 99% of the people I aksed for help did not help me.

When my brother attacked me and I thought I was going to die, no one was there to protect me defend me or keep me safe. He came after me a 2nd time telling me he was going to kill me and broke in 2x to the house.

I was stalked when I was 12.
They tried to break into out house.

My brothers friend who molested me also stalked me with harnessing calls and actually broke into my house. And could not find me so he left.

I even found out 2 of my exes stalked me online. One hacked into my fb and supposedly only read my stuff for a month.

The other had my fb page up for 2 years after I broke up with him. He would check my fb public stuff every day.

Another ex I broke up with was obssesed with me too and though my occasional eail was me wanting him back. I guess he still had stuff of mine. I got it back from him last October and he sent me about 10 emails saying how he loved me and wanted me back. Even though I was engaged. Come to find out he was diagnosed with aspergers and schizophreni. He sent me an email a month ago saying sorry and he would never bother me again to which I did not reply.

I guess most of my life I felt like no one was there to keep me safe that I could rely on nobody and then everybody eventually was this going to hurt me trap meand keep me in prison.

I don't know if any this is just a repeat of what I have already said before!!

Maybe it helps. I sure hope it helps you to understand me and find out whats the common thread or pattern in my life or case. I know the hydrogen has helped with the spiritual floating. But I guess that spacy energy is yet again another means for me to escape reality or run and hide!

:/

Dreams also have included destructive crashes- cars planes and trains

Dreams have included fires, flooding, tornadoes and stormSs or any sort of natural destruction

Dreams many times have me fleeing for my life or getting trapped somehow like under a rock or someone locks me up.

Dreams where there is a stalker or bad person/people trying to find me... one dream where there were dead people swimming after me in bloody water... dreams of torture or if I gdt caught I will be abused, tortured and killed...

This was also the sort of fear that in the past on and off that would keep me up at nighg.... hearing sounds that naturally happen in the house with pets... and imagining someone broke in and that they would kill us and would stay up hours, or make my fiance check with a baseball bat... one time I thought I saw someone in the door way after having a dream that I heard someone and my fiance would not wake up and then 2 men came into our room after us.... I have actually baracaded doors before evem in daylight and called the cops once at my new place!!

I dont have as much of those late nights stayinh up with those intense someone is going go get us fears since I have taken aconite and stramonium.

even thoug. Aconite and stramonium have helped the dreams still happen maybe not as often... even though there has been overall less anxiety at night and feeling safer in the house. I do not get the anxiety as bad in the house about someone trying to get me. It went from a level 10 anxiety to maybe a 4 or 5.

Thank you :)

I went to a hollistic fair yesterday and I wanted to share I get overstimulated at big events with lots or people.

Not only do I feel ungrounded but I feel super sensitive and overstimulated by all of the people and the energies.

On a side note I can not go into an arcade because it makes me feel sick and if I can remeber get a headache and just feel way to nerve racked because its too loud, busy and I feel bombarded by the energy.

Anyways getting back to the healing fair. So I also feel like my energy feels scattered and yesterday I realized that I really dont like that feeling.

I have all these ideas to create products or teach but nO action comes. And I feel like I am resistatn to going back out there To teach and such bevause I forgot how sensitive I am to other people And the world.

I dont even like to be at amusement parks too long(and definitely dont like like roller coastes or tall rides because I feel they could become fatal or someone could get hurt and they is no control.

I think if I could change something about myself it would be for me to feel less sensitive and be less negatively impacted by other peoples words and actions.

I have been sensitive my whole life. I was made fun of as a kid and bullied and cried probably almost daily. I also cried and was upset on most likelt a daily basis with my family as well.

I get easily impacted or feel insulted by other people.

And I also feel very impacted by the cold weather.

I can get very moody. Either weepy, or sad and moopy or angry and teed off.

When I feel those states I feel them deeply and it feels like I will not come out of it and I feel hopeless about myself and my life.

When I come out I feel full of life and passion and very happy go lucky!

Just thought to add this.

And a lot of times I think ny difficulty lies in my reactivity and sensitive nature.

I think thats why I avoid getting back out there in the world. There is a lot of chance for rejection. Not to mention the stress that it is to go out there and hustle (work crazy hours and stress from all the time and energy one puts) to get a solid business going.

I also pass a lot gas that is very bad smelling. Sometimes I pass gas when I go to the bathroom. Currently I am passing more gas then usual. Maybe because of foods? Also having gurgling movement and sound before and along with the gas. It feels like a pressure when I feel the gas about to pass.

When I urinate most times it is very forceful. Therese probably a better word for it. Maybe it is considered a gushing or a strong steady urine. Likr a strong current of a waterfall like niagra falls vs a weak meeger little natural spring that comes tricling out on the side of a hill.

And I feel embarrassed and try not to fart near others because it is always offensiVe.

my armpits stink easily and I have to apply deorderant pribably twice day. I wish this was not the case. I dont smell it as much so I just know if its warmer weather or I am going to be active I might even wash my arnpits during the day because i cant tell unless I put my nose up to my armpits to smell them. I dont really sweat or perspire though. Mostly just smell.

And I many times have foul smelling stools.

I always have to go have a stool shortly after I wake uo. I feel it coming and have to go.
And my stomach always bothers me and I feel anxious before long trips or if I start a ne. job.

And many times my eyes are sensitive at night by the light and in the am. They can feel really irritate. I have a hard time getting uo early. And if I do. My eyes sting and feel like they have sand in them or it just feels like I have to take time to adjust to the light.

And I have a hard time going to sleep.

I also get easily dehydrated so I make sure I drink lots of fluids and take electrolytes.

I dont know why but I feel sick again today. Not the violent nausea but still feel like Im going to be sick and throw up and I want to lie down. my left shouldee is also habing pain(acting up from old injury)
All I want to do is lie down but I cant because Im at work.

My digestion feels all messed up. I feel backed up and want to go but I am having a jard time and trying to force and push. I feel like if I could it would help a bit.

The morning though are always mostly loose stools.

Also I feel overheated and the cold and cold water help.

Stools are foul smell and I am gasy while I have stools too

Is this a return of symptoms?

my throat hurts. It feels iritated and almost like its dry like when its summer time and youre out in the dessert.

I dont think this is a c Oooooo ld coming on. Because earlier today I felt nausea and for a bit my throat hurt. Then around 5pm I started feeling better. The cold really helped which I nornally lovvve the warmth!

Interesting to note...

I went to Nevada 2 years ago and it was super hot and in the dessert area in May. When I returned from this trip is when I developed the uti and extreme nausea issues that went on for the whole summer. And had in bed most days.

Not sure if there is ant connection. I feel like my stuff is so complicated. I wish it was more simple.

Im not sure why but not I feel like I am going to throw up again. I have this weird feeling in my throat. I think it might feel warm, its this really weird senssation in my throat. Fist sore, now its like there is a sourness in my throat.

Like there is mucus in my throat and there actually feels like the naseua is in my throat and my stomach a tint bit. And this time the cold does not bother me. Lights bother me. And the quiet and lying down still helps a little but not that much.

I feel like I am going to be sick again. This is so werid. i hope this is normal.

Maybe it came back because it temporarily was relieved from the alka seltzer. Let me know if I should not take the alka seltzer. Or if there is anything safe. Becsuse right now I have a sensation of vomit in my throat. Nothing came up from my stomach but it feels like the sour and painful sensation after you just vomited and yoy have the nasty gross taste in the back of your throat.

Thank you.

Let me know if it helps to have me explain more these feelings of not wanting to be trapt or confined/ defensiveness/ feeling attacked etc.

Because I could always explain the words more if that helps you to get better clarity of which animal remedy I might need.

Just curious, are there any plant remedies that have any animal features. I know you know better then me but perhaps there is something we are not seeing. I only ask because I enjoy reading about homeopathy and I know some plant cases seem to have some feelings of being caged or want to escape. But I do not know which ones. Im sorry if you are bothered by me throwing it out there. But I thought it did not hurt to mention. And I know you are thr expert.

Me versus them-
It seems more so then me vs them, is that there is always one person that gets jeolous of me and then decides to rein in the attention on them and manipulate everyone in listening to them so they can be ruler. Its like they have the upper hand.

My brothers girlfriend kept me from seeing my brother and nephew for 2 years. And I still dont spend the holidays with my whole family. Again it was my brother thar went crazy and I was protecting myself. But yet she blames me. Really it is because I let them move in with me for a year and I was acting more loving and supoortive to my nephew and actually taking him outside and doing arts and crafts. And had worked a full time job. She just sat at home while my brother worked 6/7 days a week which he st hi ll does this. Her idea of taking care of my nephew was throw him in front of tv. So she could go on fb all day. She tried to manipulate my nephew but she failed. He loves me and I wad there for him when his parents acted irresponsible and crazy and fought. So she cant destroy our bond. But she definitely controls my brother on when I get to see him and my nephew. Again I did not do anything bad to her. Those 2 years were so hard for me and I would cry and be so angry!!

I also had a few work situations all with women who got jealous and pushed me out of my job or out of the yoga studi. One lied and said I did not have a teaching license for yoga and I never got paid. Another women said I was not allowed to have small conversation with yoga goers and put on a show. Which is not very yoga. When I told her I could no longer teach she said if I was not able go drop the key off( i live 5 minutes away) she could have the cops get the key from me. Another girl and me were assistant managers. She did not give me another staff at my school site which I kept asking for. Then they said the school was not being managed only later to agree that I needed 6 more staff instead of me and 1 person that was a deaf tutor. Which was unrealistic because the kids were refugees from Thailand and barely spoke english and all needed one on ones. The other tutor was there half the time. And this another assist manager R knew thar I needed the help but wanted the position all to her self so screwed me over. And my last job the lady got in trouble because I got hurt on the job. Because she did not do the safety training. She tried getting me fired. And tld me her boss said that when this was not the case. And then tried lying about stuff to get me fired. took my discount away and then told people at my job I was in therapy making me look crazy. When in fact that was personal and illegal what she did. And she knew I was going because my abusive ex. Really? Again I feel angry that peole can be that way.


My best friend in 2009. She was getting married, hooked me up with her husbands best friend. Then began to get jealous. She started throwing whining pitty parties and get very dramatic so the attention would go on her. She even accused my best friend of being evil becasue he was a more talented person then her. Telling me that I should stop being friends with him!!

He has been my best friends for years and I was not going to listen to her. She then trash talked about me and cut me out of her circle of friends and got her husbands best guy friend to dump me.

In that situation I was not even mean. I am super nice and always want to try to make people happy but with therapy I have been learning to be more assertive and create more healthy boundaries and stand up for myself.

I had another close female friend. She talked me into dating a close friend of hers. Which later I found out she liked him. I knew she adored attention and had cheated but I do not care to judge people. But during the relationship hers was not going well and had problems. His phone died when he moved to a new town. I could not get a hold of him so I called her and she said he was sick of me and wanted nothing to do with me And I was anmoying. I was crushed.

A year later he reached ouf to me. I found out she told him the same sort of thing. We did not date again but it hurt that she did that. And had cut me out of her life and this guys life.

Later I saw her and she acted like I was crazy and mean and told a few of our mutual friends how I was mean when they knew I was not. My friend SP said she has some issues so not to be bothered by her. Then she dated a mutual friend which I warned him and she ended up being really nasty to him.

Again I am a nice person so why do these people do this? It must be a story unconciously playing out?

The only thing I can think of is when I was a kid I used to get picked on at school. I only had one friend. A new girl K moved to school. She became friends with me and S. K did not like me so she talked S into making fun of me and was not friends with me for a few months. Then after S moved eventually we became distant and I lost my only friend. It was really tramatizing as I had no friends in my town. And she moved away. I also had another friend J in 5th grade that would only be friends with me at her house and not in school where she made fun of me. I felt so sad. Why did all the kids pick on me when I was so nice and loving.

I prayed to God I would find a friend. But my prayers were not answer. I got suoer depressed and I felt all alone and rejected. This was probably my first experienc of true rejection/being cast out and isolated.

Danger-
Would include my brother attacking. Me fearing for my life. And the anger I felt that my family focused on heloing my brother then helping me. To the point where since I had vBulletin no where to go (brother moved back in with parents) I was forced to go live with my ex again because the only other option was the shelter. I was so angry that my family abandoned me.

I definitely grew up with isues with my mom. She did not even plan on having me and was angry when she found out. She tried to get me into modeling, cheerleading and pageants. She likes to try to control things to her side. Play victim, but she has always been the meanest in my family. She use to be worse with all of us. She still sometmes makes fun of my dad or tries to guilt trip us and be a drama queen.

My dad is the nicest. Though he can act like a little kid and does not take care of himself. Which is stressful for me. Because he is old and does not take care of his health. i feel bad for my brother that he works so much but when I see him he is mostly self centered. though he is nicer because of the anger management classes.

My brother grewing up was also extremely jealous of me. I got a lot of attention. But then again my brother was had a very violent temper and my dad also would have melt downs and temper tantrums. I just remmber them fighting a lot and me hiding in the bathroom calling my mom crying.

Supposedly my dad threw books at my brother and would hold to the floor to get him to calm down but did not know mt brother would get asthma attacks. I do not know if that is true about my dad. But my mom has thrown stuff at my dad and my brothers girlfriend at him.

When I was growing up I don't know how I turned out the way I did. And thought I must have been switched at birth or adopted. When I dated guys or had friends I got close tobtheir families. I always wished I had second parents or ones thaf would take me on. A few guys I dated had sweet parents. Mg current partners parents live far away and are not exactly warm and fuzzy people. Though his dad has given good advice.

I wish so much for a sense of family. Although I know I am not ready to have my own family. I think thars why community or a group of friends or the yoga centers were so important to me because that is where I felt like O had a sense of belonging because faily is so importanT.
So when people detroy that I feel so crushed and isolated and out cast. I grew up with even kids all through school with several instances of kids pushing me out of groups, doing assignments with no lab partner.

being called Fake when I was off ritalin and could actually not feel like a zombie whe. I was on ritalin. The last one picked for gym. Kids getting other kids to want to beat me up or attack me with a knife all because the girl was unhapoy I was dating the boy she liked.

It is like what did I do to deserve this?

I think that is why I feel safe at my job and am afraid to find another job becauss I do not want people to target me again. I work hard on being assertive but I still have a lot of anxiety About asserting my boundaries.

My ex would yel. at me and putting me down everyday, a few times broke my stuff, broke down a door to get into my room, throw a bed upside down in one swoop. Stormed in my friends place to find me and force. me to go home. Destoryed my friendships. My guys friends were afraid he was going to get them, beat them up or burn their place down.

During those times I was with him. I initially forgave him along with trying conseling. But it was no use. He had a b said d temper and was crazy and irratic. I felt so trapped and powerless in that relationship with no where to go to.

And would I would finally start gaining confidence he would squash me like a bug. My confidence would be crushed and he would destroy any sense of me, self esteem or support I had. He even trashed my car so I had no car. And would spend my money I was secretly saving up so I could get away from him and get my own place.

He was super jealous and controlling. And there were times he made me have intimacy or do degrading acts where I felt filthy because otherwise he would kick me out with no where to go. And he said he was doing it only because he was making sure I loved him and was not cheating on him with younger guYs. Also note he was 15 years older then me.