Feeling Fragile & Sensitive, Please Help :) _{Page 2 of 6}

Hello,

Lately I have been feeling very down and not motivated to do anything. It has been difficult for me to sleep. Even when tired, I lay in bed (usually going to lay down at 11pm and not being able to fall asleep until 1am or even later. I feel as if I am going to lose control of my body neurologically and emotionally. At times it has been difficult to move. I had a dizzy spell accompanied by pain in the arm and wrist, and I went to the hospital where they gave me IV fluids, and I had an MRI and X-Ray, and they found nothing.

I started to feel this way after New Years Day. From Dec 28-31 I went to FL with my Fiance to see his dad and go to Universal Studios. I was emotional down there during the days, hoping to make the most of the trip and feeling very angry when it did not go as planned.

For the first day back I was feeling happy and then it went downhill from there. I feel very depressed and want to hide from everyone, fearing about going to see my parents (who usually pick me up and they live 5 minutes away) or seeing any friends. Like usual, I hate being around people when I am upset but this seems so daunting that I just lay in bed or on the couch surfing the internet on my phone, only eating crackers and humus or grapes or cherries until my Fiance gets home and makes food.

Affection, especially being held or cuddling makes me feel temporarily better, but the waves of dread soon fall over me and I become sad. I feel that I am not doing anything with my life and that I am stuck where I am unable to grow as a person and contribute to the world. I look like I am on the verge of crying and feel very lethargic and need to find a way to bring myself back to feeling good. Oddly yesterday I was in a giggly mood for a little while, being able to laugh about things, but that went away too. I can appear fine when I am with my Fiance, although he asks me how I'm feeling and I usually just reply with "sad" or "I don't know". When I need to go to work I get great anxiety and anything that I say is at a high volume--to the point of yelling. I am not yelling at anyone, but my anxiety gets the best of me, please help.

I did repeat the ven-m.

The FL trip other then being upset about the fact that I wanted to go to Universal in the am. My partners brother and dad said it was fine to go at 5pm. I did not like this idea as it is holiday so I felt it was going to be busy. When we got there it was super crowded with super long crowds. I got upset and into an argument because I told him this would be the case and then we had to turn around to go back the next day. My mom gifted us the tickets and later that night he told me that he wanted to go in the am but could not just tell his brother and dad this. Which upset me more. He does this a lot because of the fact that he used to doing what people tell him to do.

And in our relationship a lot of times he has me make the choices for everything. And it sort of evolved into him basically ending up getting into a heated discussion and me having to get really upset with him to get him to do something. Like getting a door lock fixed 2 years later. I get too much anxiety to make these calls myself. And I know that to a degree I have loss my sense of independence also due to the fact that he takes me everyway.

I also felt very stressed after coming back from vacation because of a conversation with his brother about the reality of situation that we eventually will need to move because of the high cost of living in our area that we will have to move. And other dynamics of his grandma being very controlling and dealing with that stress everyday and that she could take the condo away as her name and his name are on it or even if not that eventually when she passes on that we would need high paying jobs to maintain our living in the condo not to mention the fact that he had to get a new car that he is leasing because his old one died before x-mas and do we have those added to monthly costs plus higher insurance. Because she had to have him get a 2015 car because she is used to luxurious living not considering the fact of how we would be able to pay for all of this if she did not help us or at some point if she passes on. This leads to the fact that we both would have to move.

And if we want to start a family the only way we could get off the ground with support would be move in with parents, which would probably mean moving in with his dad. Which is far away from my parents and it is very hot in the summers, which my partner does not take the heat well. And when I came back to CT I think because it was cold and dreary verses the sunny warm weather of the South that was a downer but more so the anxiety of thinking about leaving and how my dad freaks about change and I would feel like I was abandoning him because I am the only one that really loves and cares about him (including his mental and physical health) so this wake call just added to the stress. And this is what contributed to feeling super depressed.

Adding to the fact that I got sick when I came back for a week and ½ then pms before my period and period.

Before Christmas I had started to exercise daily which helped. When I was sick I was unable to. After being sick and period I did start exercising again.

The incident at the ER was interesting because normally if I have something I would feel afraid like I am going to die(aconite has helped me before) but this time I just felt frustrated and more anxious. When it happened it happened around 4:30PM. I think the other few times happened in the afternoon too before 6pm. This time was worse. It started with me feeling it come on as we were getting dinner. I thought it be good to sit down. My partner brought over the food to me. When I had tried picking up the food fork with my left hand I could lift up the food. It started to be hard. Like I was loosing ability in my left hand. So I tried to eat with right. It felt hard to eat. I was forcing it with my will to keep going. Then I felt out of it and felt weakness in my right hand and my head drooped forward.

My partner returned in the living room and he was trying to get me to get my head up. It kept drooping. I was having a hard time to talk. I had to force myself to say something and then I could only get a word out at a time and I was very quiet and had to use all my effort in even doing this. I said “My… shoulder…” and then he said what about it. I replied “hurts” I asked him to check my pulse. I know that most points that my heart hurt and left arm and felt limp. A few times with the right hand also bothering me. (side note a few times I have had pain in my right hand in last month or so randomly) The pain was in the middle of chest and a little bit on the left around the rib area under the left breast.

He kept telling me to sit up. He was talking about him dropping me off at work. And I was too bad to go but he thought it was low blood pressure. I willed myself enough to say that we need to go to the hospital.

When we left to go to the car I used my right hand on his shoulder and I was dragging my left leg. We got to the er. I was having trouble sitting up so I rested my head to the right. He brought the blanket because it was comforting. I could not even write my signature at check in and forced a scribble with right hand(non dominant)
I could barely talk to nurse at check in. My partner mainly explained. I got checked in. The did a cat scan and something else. Found nothing. The dr asked me to smile it was really hard. I felt like I was forcing. I mostly just layed on bed. When they did cat scan my partner and hospital person had to lift me.

When I had some other imaging thing my partner was not in room and was with a lady. She told me to stand up. I struggled to get the words about having my partner help. She said I would be fine. I forced my way over to get the imaging down. Staggered and used every ounce of energy to stand up and hold on. I was out of it and confused. I had to hold onto another bar. She never helped me at all. Just asked are you normally like this? No help from her. I felt upset she did not help or honor my request for my partners help but could not do much because of having a hard time to speak.

Side note-Right now it is a little hard to write. For some reason my left hand feels like it is hard to type.
I did eventually feel better at the end 5 hours in. I had some food. Was really hungry and thirsty. Before I was thirsty but did not want to have to need help to go to the bathroom so did not drink before and did not have food because I was unable to eat my dinner. The dr told me I would be sent for mri as nothing was confirmed. I asked him what he think it might be causing it. And all he said was maybe it is multiple scherlosis. This was very upsetting to hear as that is not a light matter to through that out there as a possibility. That is liking saying maybe you have ca ncer. My cousin’s husband had this and he slowing became paralysed and died last year and I told myself strongly “There’s no way I could have this.” But yet it scareds me that I dod not know what it is. If if is something to do with homeopathics.

I have never had this befoee with not being able to talk or move parts of my body.
(other then when I would be afraid to talk *anxiety basse) and only the aspect about not talking. As in hard to get the words out. And not wanting to move. )But this ongoing thing is more of something where my body functions are not working and I want to talk and move but things are not working neurologically.

Also recently I will be more forgetful or blank out.

I think I just deep down feel frustrated because I don’t know whats wrong and I am afraid that the drs could find something bad or I will get toseed from dr to dr like in the past when I have had any health problem. And I think vs the past being afraid I am going to have some terrible life threatening diseas.e This is more so the dear of what if I am driving and then I loose control and have a hard time driving or I collapse? What if this gets worse? I hate the idea of loosing control and I have already wanted so much to get into a mood of independence and self reliance andn now this happens which I guess threatens my deep desire to be indepent and gett better .

I have had left eye twitching severl times and times of burning shooting pain in my right hand. I also have had hard time waking up. I fall back into the sleep, like it pulls me back in. This has happened to me before when I get lack of sleep ans also crappy sleep in past. I also have had itching of my finger I believe on my right hand. And even though sisorganized at hoe at work I like facing stud and organixing and hepls because there is structure at work and when home none and I can not create it myself or maintain organiszde lifestyle on own thus a lot of things are not well managed.

The last thing to share is that even though I felt crappy, igh anxiety and depressed early tody I seem to always feel better at work when I am helping customers. I always hear wonderful things from them like today a woman who told my manager how much she thought of me as a great helpt. It always makes me feel good, important and useful. Like I make a difference because I care about others and gives me purpose. Ithink I would be a lot worse off with out a job even though I feel I have to push myself to even eat shower or work out in my day to day life.

Plwase let me know if I should repeat if these symptoms or what is happening matches ven m. And what I should do. Thank you.
As you can see it was difficult for me to type this so I left the spelling errors in there rather than fixing them even though it bothers me because I like correcting things.

Another symptom I had was shaking. My partner could only see tremble in hands. It was more of the shaking you would see if someone was could an shivering. If I nodded my head it made it worse because I felt like my head was moving even more then it really was like it would create this bounce effect I felt internally . And if something moved or my paetner touched he wheel chair then I would stat again feeling like I was rocking back and fourth. And the noises seemed weird to me too. It was like a tremor of sorts

I did take it as soon as you told me too. I am not sure if I have seen any impact yet. If anything the first time I took the both of them originally I seemed to have handled myself better in my job situation.

I feel like because of the major changes that happened over our vacation and realizing that I need to create more self reliance and the inevitability of us having to move out of our place to move in one of my fiance's parents down south. This to me is very upsetting because of the fact that I do not do well with moving. Usually once I settle in I am better and really happy.

This is even the case of my anxiety if I am going to go on a trip or travel I feel really anxious before hand but once I get there I want to jet here and there and am so excited and feel super adventurous and love the excitement. I really do love traveling and seeing new places. And I used to be spontaneous and only feel this now when I am on vacation.

Back to the upsetting realization of having to move eventually it would also be far away from my parents. And I would feel guilty for leaving my dad behind because he is really needy. But when I was vacation I barely talked to my parents on vacation and felt super awesome which I know had nothing to do with the medicine as I am always like this with vacation or when ever I have lived away from my parents.

I will also admit if I did move away there would be some sadness in a way but I also would feel liberated and free. Like when I have lived away from my parents I have always added another level of blossoming and freedom from them.

Like if I was really honest I feel burdened by them and I do not get to enjoy as much of my relationship because it is always shopping of some form, going out to eat or my mom weekly plee to help clean something else in her house. I am not their freaking maid. And I feel like sometimes they just want me to be like a little kid and it is really annoying. I have felt this way for a long time.

I grew up with both of my parents being over protective. My mom never let me do a lot of things (probably why I would never do something like skydiving, roller coasters, drive a motorcycle although... I was in a parasail once with a boat and that was awesome!! so liberating and free!!)

When I was a teen I was so upset that they never wanted to help me with figuring out stuff like college and they were irresponsible with money, bills etc. And my mom said I should find a rich guy to take care of me.

I will admit with my mood feeling best when I am at work or hanging out with my partner and we just cuddle up to watch tv or go do archery or dance and what not.

I think my thing is I just feel stuck like I do not want to get out there and mingle with other people. In some ways I want to be left alone and do not care to make effort in friendships. I do not care to pick up the weight with friends or be the one that puts all of this effort into friendship.

And maybe why I am so reserved and not like my previous self of a bubbly warm and social gal is because I am just so annoyed that I do not care to be bothered with the drama of the world that I would rather be on my own and spend time with my partner and socialize here in there.

I know there is some part of me that still wants to create art and go out there and do healing work again but I just feel maybe jaded and after going through so much un needed drama in trying to get myself out there. This part of me does not want to be bothered and just wants the peace even if I do not have what makes me the happiest which is being with community and others that care about the earth.

I guess along with this whole group of eco-concious people I also had a lot of bad experiences (including some one giving me (I did not know that there was this stuff in the brownie) I ended up tripping mushrooms at a yoga festival I taught at. Then my ex tried to force his way on me(tried to have sex- I guess you could call it a sexual assault and he was on drugs which before the festival I did not know he got involved in this sort of lifestyle)

I will admit long ago I did drink and smoke pot for a while more of a recreational social thing and not a daily thing. I also did take lsd one time as well. But no other drugs. I do not if that is important to mention but I guess I did not want to be judged and I kind of dont like people seeing into my personal life, flaws, insecurities etc. I want to give an exterior to most people that I am fine and do not like people seeing my get upset at all unless it is my partner or a really close friend.

So sorry for not mentioning this fact before but I guess I just did not want to share it and thought maybe it did not matter to tell....

I also used to be so much more open and loving (and makes sense for having been prescribed phosphorus and calc phos in the past I was such a people person)

But people took advantage of me and I had to learn the hard way and learned the hard way in giving people second chances and overlooking tell tale signs - like controlling behavior signs - physiological issues (one guy a year later I found out after dating was diagnosed with Aspergers and schizophrenia which explained him wrapping all of my stuff in saren wrap while I was away and put it outside his house)

I really feel like this last few years has resulted in me being less social and having put in me in a few positions where I really stood my ground and did not stand for people to push me around or blame me for their problems. I had to stand my ground and create firm boundaries.

I just want to find myself back in the world again with a new kind of confidence. I think that is why I love movies like the Hunger Games where the girl Katniss takes charge and she is so strong and a leader.

And currently my partner and me are watching the secret dairies of a call girl. It is a really interesting job where even though some could view her as a trashy but I like the part and can relate to the part where she does not let anyone control her, she is in charge of her life and schedule.

I think that is why I liked art modeling so much. It is nude but it is very professional and I worked my own hours and made great money. I still do this when ever I can for extra money.

And as for my relationship I forgot to mention that I do love to flirt with my partner and we do enjoy intimacy and I am pretty active and confident in our intimacy. It is playful, passionate but also we love each other deeply.

I think I just need to get past the fact that sometimes I think I am being controlled when I am not. Like I know this is a delusional aspect but I almost get over protective and do not like any feeling of being constrained within a relationship otherwise I feel suffocated and I will think I will just go my own way even though that is not the case. Like if he maybe did not want to go out dancing because he is tired I will say loudly "Fine I will just go by myself."

He really is a sweet heart and super loving but it took me a while to be able to put all of my self into our relationship because I wanted to make sure I never got controlled again and initially he was more of an intra-vert and wanted to stay home and not be spontaneous and he would overly worry if I left on a far away trip with out him so I was worried it would impinge upon my freedom. But this is not the case. I was under the influence of my own delusions and protective nature because of my previous experience with a controlling guy.

I figured this would be good to mention because before I could not even get into these lesser important things because of the other stuff was so heavy.

I will update you of any actual updates, symptoms, improvements etc. when they happen.

I just realize this might help and realized I might not have given you a full picture of me.

Also I may have not mentioned my issues with anger or if so downplayed because of my embarrassment and fear of judgment. When I get sucked into these pstd flasbacks or anxiety attacks or deep attacks of abandonment rejection this anger comes up.

I also have flipped out where at first I am sad and anxious and then the anger rises and I can start getting really mean as a means of being defensive and protective. But it may take me some time to actually get into words as afterwards in the calm I feel bad about it but it feels like a dream. Like when I act like this is from some deep seated part in me, an angry me that is deep down that really vocalizes a lot of my deepest fears, delusions and pain.

There is this deep anger below and it only comes out in spurts here and there. Let me know if you want detail

When I get angry want to be left alone, I tell my partner that everyone is going to screw me over abandon me and I can't trust anyone. That being friends with anyone is pointless, trying to go out into the world is pointless etc. I feel like I push him away when I am like this. I guess I could say this is my core problems deep down. It is hard for me to explain as good because when this happens it's like it takes over. I get super mad. I want to throw things, break things. In the past there was a few times I have thrown pillows on the floor as I would not want to harm someone.

I only broke a plate when I was maybe 20. I got into a fight with my dad and I broke it outside. It fel good to release my distraction but then I wanted I clean it up so no one got hurt and felt guilt. I think that I am afraid of expressing anger as I associate it with violence.

I have experienced a lot of violence growing up as well as in a relationship and different living situation. A boy in high school threatening me to stab me wig a knife which was provoked by this girl that did not like me. She turned my best friend against me and that friend turned into a nightmare where she was hunting me down to beat the crap out of me. She tried punching me and pushed me into the ground. Since I got so picked on at school and had all these kids after me they did not want me to stay after school and wanted me to sit in the guidance office and eventually pulled me out I I an alternative program with high schoolers including anger management kids, drug dealer and a pregnant chick. A girl also shoved me into a sink and tried to shove me down the stairs in middle school. It always seemed where ever I have gone I always come across these threatening people or situations. And in school I was all alone with no friends.

I grew up being all alone and having no friends (I only had 1 friend until 4th grade) otherwise I was picked on daily and never had partners or groups in gym or class projects because everyone hated me and made fun of me. Everyone was very cruel to me. And I never did anything to them. By 4th grade I had no friends. One girl would only be friends with me at school and she was mean to me at school. The
Which is why I got to be friend with the more alternative crowd(Goths and punks) I started with my brothers friends (druggies, alcohol and pot smoking) and also with kids from the pool hall. I learned early from my brother being involved with these kids that these kids only used my brother for a place to party. These kid stole from our family, trashed the house and my brother almost burned down a barn. Which led him to stop being friends with this group.

I eventually stopped being friend with most of the alternative kids because I realized everyone wanted to drown themselves in drugs, pot an alcohol. But I did not have many friends. So I plugged into a new group of gothic friends but most of them were also more darker or unhappy types as well and this just led to a very unsupportive group of people. But I did find a couple of good friends from this group of people.

It feels like when I moved away I came across these more open hearted people and felt at home. I left behind my gothic lifestyle although I feel I was more positive. I usually have fought on and off through my life between having hope persevering and wanting to give up, withdrawal and be in the dark consumed in the suffering.

I felt happiest when I felt a part of a group, being surrounded by warm loving people . I miss those places and times when I felt a part of something. I have always loved the feeling of oneness and wholeness ms being connected to the earth and being a part of the community with others that also feel the same.

When I returned to my home town I have struggled with feeling that again and have had several instances of people or situations happen where I loss my place within these groups.

And I feel angry because I feel like I am unwanted where I live. The few friendships I have are with drama intense personality types and so I barely even see them. And the only ones I connect with on a deeper spiritual level live an hour away.

As with my anger. I have had many experiences of wing unwanted and abandoned. Even the fact that when I was in bad situations no one opened their doors for me. And it felt like mat people did not care and acted like I had a disease they would catch even though I did not. Like why would people turn away someone that was abused. And hardly give sympathy.

I saw a lot of violence growing up. I can't even watch violence on TV.

I only express outwardly when I am alone or with my partner. If I am in public I give a neutral face as I do not like to "show my feelings" in public and If I am upset in public I get worried about people looking at me. One time I was at an amusement park and had To go to the bathroom and when I came back to line these girls are laughing and I thought that they were laughing at me and I got very angry because I thought they were making fun of me.

I get this feeling that people watch me and I don't want people to see how I really feel probably because the fact that I was made of made fun of so much as a child. Currently I post up online that everything is great and if you blast me how I'm doing I see that I'm great but I never tell people how I feel anymore I don't care it's like people and I'm very cautious and even in relationships it takes a lot for me to open up and feel safe to express myself because of fear of people taking advantage of me judging me or rejecting me.

If I drop something I might yell. I will get very mad if things go wrong. I used to get very upset and going to the bathroom and lock the door and have a lights off but yeah and scare the dark and that someone might try to get me in the night.

There has been times when I have gotten into fight where I want to throw stuff, have actually stomped my feet or pounded my hand on he wall or counter, banged a pot, slammed a door.

When I am so deep in these times there has been thoughts of wanting to hurt another although I know I would never want to do this and feel guilty for this. I do stammer sometimes when upset.

The whole spurts thing relates to it being random. Like I am not angry overall. It just comes up randomly.

And I also am jealous of others. (I feel guilty of this feeling)
I get jealous of others an how they have what I want, a better life an living out their passions, that
They can function. How happy hey are. And wonder why do I have to suffer and why I am not happy. I know I am very capable, talented and have a lot of potential but when It comes to getting back into the world I can't stand having another circumstance situation blow what little left I have of my confidence or even ability to function.

I can only handle a part time job. I have been beaten down too many times in life. I feel my heart has hardened and become super protective like I want to have armor against being hurt again and yet I feel sad and lonely because I have hardly anyone (I have my fiancé, and I used to spend a little more time with my parents which I avoid now).

I feel all alone, abandoned and miserable. Some days are better and some worse. Sometimes I just want to give up and the only reason I have not is because of my partner but even sometimes I push him away because I just feel so unlovable even by him.

Even though I know he loves me sometimes I don't feel that way. I feel broken and like an unwanted toy or infected person.

Although one thing that feels good is him holding me tightly or really wrapping his arms around me.

I feel like this past few years of homeopathy has removed all of these layers and now I am dealt being vulnerable naked and facing the core of my suffering and it is horrible. I wish I used to just have anxiety instead of feeling the pain so deeply.

When I get the deep core it is always again this feeling o total rejection by the world, isolated and outcasted and unwanted just like I felt unwanted growing up.

And on numerous occasion where they abandoned me and I was forced to fend for myself in a multitude of ways or with no where to go be stuck to love with an abusive ex. I feel so angry and feel the depth of my anger at these points.

So angry. So much hate and then hating myself and feeling so ugly unloved and like there is something wrong with me. My partner reminds me he loves me and if I don't push him away with being mean to him I will cry or feel sad and sometimes let him hold me an he tell me how much he loves me.

I think that I got suicidal over the summer because of the fact that I felt I was going to loose him to this girl (his ex) which he originally ha connected more in dealing with his stress of supporting me through my struggle with depression an anxiety.

This girl had unkowingly developed feelings for him and was very malicious and sneaky and decided to ruin our relationship and come in between us as well as slowly take all of the attention for her self. I don't talk to people about it because I feel ashamed of it and it hurt deeply.

In his intention to receive support from this friend he started talking to her via over 100 texts a day and sharing our personal relationship details with her and grew a bond which I took as it being an emotional affair.

Of course I got afraid of him having feelings and after talking to her an her saying she was going to be a witch to me and I could not get rid of her it turned into this war where she tried o make me out to be a bad partner and kept growing a neediness for my partner along with trying to make me out to being crazy or controlling

This lasted from April to June of 2014 when she finally told him she did not care about my feelings and was demanding him to take sides with her and delete the text messages that he sent that were sexual in nature(keep in mind she had a fiance that some of us thought was a fake because of no evidence) and then she went to text me he would win and I would loose. My fiancé stopped talking to her and finally saw who she really is an he did admit to being resistant to hearing me out because he has a lot of experiences of people controlling him an was given a high potency of staphasagria which could not have come at a worse timing.

And of course with this event with this ex girlfriend of his the damage to our relationship was done as well as the damage to my mental state. At the end I was suicidal and severely depressed after trying to fight against this girls attempts to completely destroy my relationship with my fiancé

Later we find out from another couple how they went through a similar situation as well as people he knew in college who knew how crazy selfish, demanding and controlling she was. An ex said this girl had histrionic personality disorder and she was definitely crazy in the things she did as well as admitted Toby and other people she hurt how she enjoyed destroying happy relationships.

This too has been hard to get over as I don't feel the same in my relationship because of this. And lost my trust in some sense because I am afraid he can let someone else hurt me an our relationship like her.

And even with homeopathy I am beginning to feel like no one can help me. You are one of the few people left that gives me any hope which right now is not that much but since I am still alive and still live another day hat means there is another day that be the day that I can start really healing and feel alive and full of joy and actually sparkle again.

Where I can look forward to living the day and get excite about the world, create and connect with others again. I hope I can someday feel this way without he fear and dread of my world crashing or burning up again. Maybe it can happen. I try very hard to hold onto what little gives me the motivation to not give up entirely.

Sometimes with my anger I eventually cry if I get exhausted long enough.

I like to feel magnetic, I Prophesies events a lot. I am intuitive, I can pick up on psychic vibrations and tell feelings of others, thoughts, intentions. . have seen and talked to spirits, fairies and angels as well as animals, plants etc. . know when things are going to happen. .'ve had many experience of clairvoyance and clair audience,

Sometimes things feel unreal or as if I am in a dream. I love getting lost and mesmerized by music wether sitting of dancing to it. I have astral traveled, lucid dreamed. I also manifest stuff all of the time. Partially perhaps because I'm phychic. I also think unintentionally I am very influential on others.

I don't know why but whenever I am with others and get to feel a kindred connection being part of the tribe or group I feel so happy. I honestly feel I have mostly been not depressed most often when I am constant connection with others. Work alleviates my sadness somewhat but even though I love helping others and being around my co workers I don't see any of these people outside of work. But I know when I am able to be around my friends on a weekly basis the more often the better I feel a live and joyful. And I also felt happy when I lived with room mates and had that daily interaction. I wish I did not need that so much. I think I go from feeling so connected to feeling disconnected.

I also feel afraid to reach out for help or support from these people maybe because in the past people took advantage of me or judged me. And I don't want to look week or annoy others and then they might judge me and think I'm inferior or that something is wrong with me because I feel so depressed. I don't want them to see my flaws or suffering but I wish I had thar support. I wish I could reach out.

I also recently have been getting angry with my fiance I feel because of me feeling so sad and lonely. I feel stuck and I hate living in the town we are in because I'm so far from my friend, community and support. And this is super important to me.

Its not an excuse to get angry with him. I guess I have not let go of the thing that happened with his ex. And I unrealistically want him to do something super special to make up for it. But he is not able to do so because he gets so stressed out because he is busy with work and taking on extra load because I have gotten behind in everyday household chores. I argue with him because I want to feel like I'm special and loved and that he's sorry. And I don't know why but I feel like him just being nice is not good enough. He did not want to get rid of this friendship

He made inappropriate jokes with her and shared words to him meant nothing but to her did. I know deep down he did not have feelings with her but I still feel because he fought for 3 months to be friends with her and believed her over me until he was able to realize that she was manipulating both of us and did not care and was not a real friend that a part of me feels rejected and unloved. And its hard for me to trust him with my heart and after this girl threatening my happiness and the little I have I no longer have patience and so get vocal when I am mad. And I have so much burried anger at getting the bad end that I don't have any tolerance anymore with my fiance. And so sometimes I am really snappy with him, offended and annoyed with him. At other times I am loving and want to cuddle with him. I just feel like a part of me is holding on to being angry at him because while I was suicidal (feel deep down I would not do it-but in summer came really close to it) that he still would not stop talking to this girl. And I can't let it go. I wish i could.

I'm really sorry to keep adding stuff. I will wait. I guess this part of me tries so hard to fix myself and find a resolution. I know in a way I may have come off impatient but I'm constantly and daily thinking about how I can find any way to move forward find perspective and try to heal from all of this. I am sorry if I have burdened you or stressed you or taken for granted any help and time you have given. I feel really guilty. I do not have a lot of money but I you like I would always be glad to send some money or PayPal even if it's a little if you ever want it as I know I have troubled you a lot with helping me and I value you actually putting up with me pestering you for help and being perhaps a difficult patient. I'm so sorry and Thank you for all of your help.
[message edited by beth88 on Mon, 02 Feb 2015 03:40:57 GMT]

Hi Evocationer,

I just wanted you to know I have been diligently working through my anxieties and on a positive side note rekindled a friendship that was previously destroyed by my ex and pushed through to finally open up ms he was very supportive and now we are great friends again.

Also I pushed through and put a post on fb for support for the health things going on and it was well received and so it's nice to have friends offer help, support, inspiration, caring love etc to me and was even able to open up to a few about what happened with me and the traumatic things I went through vs. hiding in fear of judgement and rejection.

It was healing to hear of their care for me and letting me know they are there for me. So at least this eases some of the extreme ness of my anxieties and emotional trauma and lowered the intensity of my behaviors and so fourth. I still have the challenge but not to the same degree of "heaviness" and I don't feel as rejected.

Though I am still afraid to teach again and get involved in the community on a deeper level or comit to any of that just yet that would be too over whelming and I just need to take baby steps and not try to take too much on or overwhelm myself.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on medicines. Thanks.

Hi Evocationer,

I was wondering if you were still working on it and just have not finished looking at my case.

I have struggled with a lot of anxiety and today told my fiancé that I wanted him to hold onto the ring to propose to me down he road because I am not ready.

The ring makes me feel trapped even though he's done nothing to make me feel this way. But I feel his construction and suffocated me caged feeling. And I mentally and emotionally feel this feeling of being imprisoned or traps. It is really intend and I feel mad and upset. I can't stand this feeling.

I feel awful that I did this but I feel too overwhelmed. We originally rushed into things and with the excitement of meeting each other and I want to spend the rest of life with him but I guess I have an underlying issue with things being long term. Like an anxiety with anything that has me feel locked in. Even been his way with jobs. I like my freedom and don't like anything restraining me or pressuring me.
[message edited by beth88 on Tue, 17 Feb 2015 00:29:02 GMT]
[message edited by beth88 on Tue, 17 Feb 2015 00:29:38 GMT]

Thank you very much. I look forward to your help.

Just curious is there a place to check in easier if I have not heard from you in more then 2 weeks? I know you had a post that people could post a link to their post to make it easier for you to track cases you are working on. Please let me know because I am glad to make it easier for you to find my case. Thank you. I hope you are enjoying the week. Thank you.

Also I have a bump on my right foot on the middle toe. It started in the last week or so, before was skin tone and looked like maybe it had Clear fluid in it [i have gotten these before on my fingers and toes but usually smaller] thIs one now has got red and if I touch it burns. It is on the left side of the nail. About 1/2 cm long. Most of it is clear accept the middle which looks like a tiny almost complete ring not a perfect circle though. Maybe this is unrelated but thought to add this. I tried uploading the pic but it would not work.
[message edited by beth88 on Mon, 02 Mar 2015 14:58:36 GMT]

Hello,

Yes I have ordered it and will arrive in few days. I will let you know next week any updates. Thank you.

Since the hydrogen I feel less ethereal.

But I still have a hard time focusing and staying on track. I just have a hard time. Like I have to work really hard to get started. Once I start a project it is hard to stay on task and especially hard to complete.

I have such amazing visions of art to create, products and services that I can offer.

maybe because things fell through before I am afraid to start again and feel like I am starting from scratch and worry about people judging me or not taking me seriously because I unpluged from the yoga community for almost 2 years. Due to health problem and personal things that came up that I wanted to focus on healing.

I am grateful but just feel fustrated and feel like an imposter. And I do not know how to get back to the stage where I was shining and grtting myself out there.

And I have a really hard time doing stuff on my own. I want to do great things that change the world. But lack independent and self reliance or self resiliency ability to thrive by doing things on my own.

A lot of times I feel afraid of doing things on my wn and end up relyibg on others to helo me.

I have had a lot of people fall through with their word so I have a hard time feeling good about trusting others to help me. I get angry and fustrated. I want sooooo badly to do things on my own and take action but I feel blocked and afraid to make thingd happen on my own. I guess I associate being on my own with isolation, rejection, being outcasted, surviving etc.

So deep down I feel lonely if I am doing things on ny own or angry because of deep underlying associations with being indendent. And all the times I tried and then failed to make it on ny own. I am so scared but want so badly to be self sufficient!!!

It would fee so liberating and fullfilling to achieve this. This is my ultimate dream and wish. I would feel on top of the world and like a 5 star athlete or someone that won the nobel prize or a million dollars and would wabt this more then money!!!!

I want so much to be able to do this. Its like my parents want me to be needy and they are needy. And they want me to be like a kid or my mom- find a man that will take care of me because I cant succeed on my oen. She actually said this.

They would love nothing more then me live with them or take care of them. And I am done being responsible or worrying about them because they do mot take care of their health or clean their house.

I did not get to have my own life or enjoy many things or follow my dreams because I was helping them or cleaning up their mess.

And when I asked for help so I could figure out how to live on my own or go to college they resisted and avioded it. And did things so I would not leave them. Or make me feel guilty. I am 27. My parents have never taken full responsibility of being parents.

my dad is incapable I know he is like a kid, stuck mentally in a very immmature way. But my mom I feel is more self aware but aviods responsibility and taking avtuin in her life and likes to blame others. Like I feel bad and want to help my dad.

But my mom would get barely any help from me or my brother if it were not for her heloibg us out once and a while with money. And we say this because we feel she has been very cruel to us and our dad. And she used my dad and really kicked his self esteem into the ground. But again makes it all about her.

I need to learn how to detach from my parents energy. I feel sick when I go over there many times. And at one point start avoiding their calls so I did not have to talk to them everyday.

I love my parents but I need to cut the chord from them because it is like they pull on these strings or chains and dont want me leaving then or going far away and want me close.

I need my freedom and independence. I feel like my whole life would change if I could feel confident to be on my own, self assertive, healthier boundaries etc. And to be able to go out ibto the workd on my own and feel confident, clear and bold.

Where I just go out like someone that plans on winning a medal or trophy and is super motivated daily, committed and peserveres and is happy about following their passion and just being free and happy.

Also this last week there have been more times when I felt anger come up. I have been trying to be more B-) independent and take initiative on my own.

But I feel like I am working really hard and struggling to stay on track. Like I started writing out what I want to create for products to sell online and be a vendor or classes to teach.

But then I am not actually re maming my website or ordering things to make products. Or making things with what I already have. Its like I struggle with getting things into manifestation or completing things. I have to force myself to start but seem to get stuck in the beginning of things.

I also feel mad because I went through this a few years ago and got myself out there. But then other people got really competitive and I got impacted by their cruelity or them manipulating others (one girl lied and said I did not have my license and could not teach-

but I did and I emailed them my teaching certificate- she told me to take pictures, i got in trouble and then she denied that she did this and I never got paid!) Eventually various things impacted me so much and I got sick that I stopped teaching.

And stopped being plugged in and connected. so now I feel I am starting all over again. And I am afraid people see me as a failure or won't take me serious. On top of the fact that I am afraid to teach again or offer my products.

I also wish I could have help getting my business off the ground again. Yet I feel I will have no help. And yet I want to do it on my oen. But then I feel alone and angry and rejected and sad. I need to let go of being so angry at these situations in the past.

But I dont want to feel bad or angry if I am doing this on my own. I wish I could feel excited and have enough self confidence to go back out there and take on life by the sack. But I feel the only way I have gotten anywhere is with this

"fine Ill do it on my own!!!!" -Sort of a Mad and alone feeling. Like when I was a kid. And I wanted my parents and teachers to be there for me to help me how to learn to be independent and self sufficient.

But instead my parents wanted me to be needy and rely on them till a very late age. My family have a lot of co dependent issues. My parents do not stand in their individual strength. They want to be taken care of. They never acted like parents. I tried to act like a parent, I wanted to fix things.

But I was just a kid. And I know I feel like I failed my parents. But in therapy they say its not my fault. They never helped me to figure out how to be on my own and strong in myself. They always secretly push their agenda wanting me to still be a little kid.

They never helped me figure out school, taxes etc. So irresponsible. i have struggled so long to stay afloat in the world. Many times being almost homeless and living on and off with my abusive ex becasue I had no where else to go.

And my parents home was too toxic and still to a degree is mebtally, energetically and toxic in the house itself(dirty/filthy and messy) Its not my job to clean uo their house.

I had good credit and was abke to self sustain on my own for a while. That felt great!! Right now I only work part time and would nor be able to work full time and have my own place if I was not with my partner. As he takes care of most of the bills.

And yet that too is something. After a while of working full time in the past I felt like I was being tird down or felt restrained. And then I wanted to venture other places. Its like I feel good when I travel far away or change jobs or I felt good if I lived somewhere new. Like I had a fresh start. Where its a clean state. And people are seeing me for the first time.

I looooooveee traveing and going on adventures so much. I feel a part of me is irresponsible and just wants to have fun and sort of forgets priorities. And yet I also want to be responsible. And know I need that discipline if I am to get ahead and havr money to go to school. But I am just all over the place and it is hard for me to stick to one thing. Its almost like I get this anxiety when something is consistant for a while.

I wonder if underneath I let things subconsciously play out for stuff to fall apart. I think I get scared when faced with something that lookd like it is going to be a struggle and dont fight hard enough or have had enough confidence to overcome those things in the past.

And I feel afraid that the same thing is going to happen again. Do maybe that is why I have been feeling more anger and anxiety and sadness. I am trying so hard to be positive and optimisitc but this other part of me feels wounded by others viciousness towards walking all over me, stealing my ideas or even business name and afraid and angry because it could happen again. And I dont want to get beaten uo emotionaly, bullied or humiliated again. I cant stand others judging me.

And for some reasin I am afraid others are going to judge me and see my starting my biz then stopping it and then going back out there again as I am a failure or that they wont take me serious or whatever.

Its so hard to start again when I feel like I failed before. Even though it was due to me being sick. I think alot of stuff is maybe made out of proportion in my head and not as serious as I think it is. I make stories and things that happebed maybe worse then they really are. I want to stop being afraid. AI want courage and inner strength and resiliency. I want to feel powerful and like a queen or king. Feel so powerful and appear so powerful that no one even thinks for a moment to try to mess with me or attenpt to start rumors or talk trash and stop bullying me.

And I want to feel awesome like maybe an athlete who goes for the gold. And just continues to persevere and just knows they are going to win the gold medal for the olympics.

I want to be on the top! I want to be a powerful leader. Still a loving person but an enpowrred person. I have amazing visions of a better world. And I feel I could cobtribute so much if I could shift this energy in me. I want to inspire huge shifts in this world as we wake up collectively to a new age of love, connection, humanatarian focus and community.

I am sorry for bugging you so much. I wish I knew if it did not cost that much to skype and pay for a consult (fsce to fsce skype) if it would help you to see my facial expressions and hand gestures.

I hope you can help even though you cant hear my tone of voice or face or hand gestures. Because I really want to get better. And I feel honeopathy has helped me the most and is my only hope to finally come back to ny power so I can bring my love, gifts and inspiration to then help the world be a better place.

Thanks again.