SameerVermani Thank You for your help _{Page 2 of 8}

SameerVermani,

The aggravation did pass. For many days I felt wonderful. Yesterday I was thinking how wonderful this is and do I get to always feel this healthy. But this morning I feel a return of symptoms. Notes:

11/02/2010 - slept very well, woke peaceful when alarm sounded at 6:30, recurring dream about dirty public bathroom but calm during dream, able to get out of bed 6:45 with little effort, belly button red, 1pm belly button began to itch like something was under skin and coming out, 2:30pm noticed blood blister on belly button, itching had decreased to very mild burning

11/05/2010 - intense vag pain morning during drive to Berkeley, better after drinking water eating snackbar, peaceful

11/07/2010 - twitch on left cheek under eye 9 pm

11/08/2010 - twitch continues, otherwise in Perfect health and happiness

11/09/2010 - no twitch, perfect health, belly button bit red 10pm after shower

11/10/2010 - slept well, woke at 5am w/cat, slept from 6 – 8:30 dreamless and heavy, woke heavy heavy limbs but happy, belly button not red

11/13/2010 - peaceful and joyful for past three days, heavy sleep getting out of bed slightly harder today, loving with son all day, calm and centered around boyfriend

11/14/2010 - Menstruation started 5pm, had some very mild vaginal twinges, amazingly peaceful and easy-going all day before starting while hiking

11/15/2010 - slept well, strange dreams, woke with bloodshot eyes, watery eyes, puffy eyes, slightly slow moving but peaceful all day, mind clear

11/16/2010 - terrible nightmare of son dying, but slept well before, woke well and ready for the day

11/17/2010 - slept well, dreamed of jedi-knight, good physical and emotional and mental

11/18-19 - sleeping well, good health, great connections with boyfriend

11/21/2010- still great, peaceful, strong, content

11/22/2010 - some vaginal irritation after BM 9am, a little dizzy and wanting a nap/sleepy

Any suggestions or just wait and see?

Thank you,
Jennifer

update:

11/23 – 24 - kidney pains riding in car left and right side mostly left, occasional vag pains, vag discharge, trouble going to sleep

11/25/2010 - more kidney pains left side, vaginal discharge increasing egg-white, some cough in evening, dry hands, trouble going to sleep

11/26/2010 – hoarse voice all morning, tickle in throat, coughing until drinking all day, AMAZING loving with boyfriend then very dry feet immediately after, very deeply loving and peaceful with boyfriend and son

11/27/2010 - woke congested and hoarse wanting to stay in bed, some increase in energy afternoon then downhill 6pm, kidneys aching, vaginal discharge, peaceful

11/28/2010 - woke 5:30 back to sleep, 6:30 back to sleep, woke 7:15 congested right ear burning, blowing yellow mucus, some energy increase after eating, then strong vag pain after BM lasting for 1 hour, hangnail right hand, vag discharge, peaceful

11/29/2010 – woke with slight nausea, still congested yellow mucus less than yesterday, seems like some weight loss, vaginal twinges after getting dressed, libido active at bedtime, peaceful

11/30/2010 - woke congested throat some sore, yellow and clear mucus, some blood from nose, coughing, craving protein, head aching, vaginal discharge slightly less, peaceful humorous

12/01/2010 - woke 3AM ate toast and juice, some eurethra irritation after pee, coughing, still good appetite, back to sleep 5:30am, woke 7:30am sleepy and weak and dizzy and hungry, no enthusiasm for anything, impatient with son, sinus congestion much less, dry feet improved but lips now very chapped, feel so weak as though I have not eaten for many days

continue to wait and watch?

Thank you,
Jennifer / JBPeanut

In this moment my I feel defeated. I am concerned about a meeting I have today with a client - nervous that she will detect my frustration with her. I am worried about my finances (lack of) and my ability to stay well enough to earn money.
I do feel very grateful to my dear friend who has brought me food and transporting my son to and from school these past days.
But I really want to just go to bed and have the whole world dissappear for a week.

growing more impatient with my son as i write. can hardly wait for him to be off at school.

also pain in left hip and thigh increasing.

thank you

SameerVermani,

another update:

12/01/2010 - 4pm vag discharge to the point of dripping, stress incontinence, irritable when clients call, pain in left hip/leg increasing and moving to sacrum, better after eating, pain in back moved to left shoulder, 9PM Very bloodshot eye right side, 10pm vag pain after BM, appetite ever increasing, peaceful and loving and compassionate with son this evening, less stressed about finances

12/2 -3 - continued congestion and occasional vag irritation, pain between shoulder blades, stress incontinence, peaceful with son

12/04/2010 - exhausted of caring for son by 3pm, pain in right cheek under eye and right tooth, feels like sinusitis at bedtime

12/05/2010 - increased pain in cheek, COPIOUS amounts of thick yellow/green mucus from right sinus, bloodshot eyes improved, irritable with son, grumpy and uncomfortable


Is all this still a reaction to the dose taken 10/26/2010? Shall I continue to wait?
Or would another dose provide relief?

Thank you for your consideration.

Jennifer

SameerVermani,

Thank you.

Shall I order LM5 while I'm at it?

And should I anticipate a 5 -6 day aggravation as I did with the LM3 dose in October?

Jennifer

SameerVermani,

I ordered the LM4, but before the remedy arrived I went through a major shock, and so did not take it.

I will try to explain as best I can to find if you still feel the LM4 dose is appropriate.

On 12/09/10 the sinus infection cleared up. And I learned that my boyfriend was falling in love with another woman. So the next day I went to his house and returned his key and picked up my and my sons things. It was a challenging couple of days emotionally. But my physical body was in good health. Menstruation began on 12/11/2010. On the third day this other woman and I had a long phone conversation and I came to a place of clear understanding and was able to wish them both well on their journey.
I continued to grow more and more clear in mind and emotion and body.
But today I feel very sad, a little bit lonely, hurt that I did not see this coming and step back to protect myself and my son sooner. I feel very bad that I was with this person who apparently did not really love me or my son. (or maybe he did really love us but is very easily distracted) I am in shock basically.
I am not certain if these feelings are emerging because I am in the midst of the holidays and feeling the loss of our traditions, or if I feel this way because I slept on the floor last night and night before so that an out-of-town guest could have my bed, or if I feel this way because it is time for LM4.

Today I feel a bit of vaginal irritation after the morning BM, not really strong, but lasting for more than an hour.

Shall I take the LM4 tonight at bedtime?
If I do should I expect some aggravation like the last dose? (I'll wait until after christmas if so)

Or do you need more info?

Thank you so very much
Jennifer

Sameer,

Thank you so much. I have ordered the Ignatia 200c.

But it has not yet arrived, and the tears and emotional pain keep coming. My mind keeps trying to 'figure it out' or going into denial as though it didn't really happen. I feel very stuck in a spiral of loss. I am forcing myself to eat. A dear friend just tried to guide me 'out of my head' and 'into my body' by asking me about how my body feels in this moment. And though I have no physical pains right now (or for the past few days) I began crying because the only description I had was that I feel like an empty bowl.

Since the 200c has not yet arrived, can I take a 30c or some dilution of it? as I can get that from my local store right now.

Thank you sameer I really want to get on with my life and start working again.

Jennifer

Dear Sameer,
Here are the notes for the past week

12/28/2010 – VERY depressed, cried often,
shaking/shivering, very cold even in warm room, IGNATIA 30c 6pm, some easing of the emotional body, 2nd dose IGNATIA 30c 7pm, some deeper sensation of the physical body, more awareness of the torso less numbness, passing gas, belching, feeling more assertion less victim/defeated, sneezed, hungry 7:30pm, 8pm got up to make some food, felt much better, and happy, have decided not to take third dose in concern for becoming manic, laughed lots at a movie, 9:30 pm feeling a little shaky still, with slight heart palpitations, a little like having had too much caffeine, stayed up until 11:30pm

12/29/2010 - slept well, dreamed of bf coming over to pick up the bag of things, woke 6:30 then again 7:30, some anxiety in chest, got up 8:30, easy bm, tears, feeling deeply lonely and remembering the essay about a pulsatilla girl becoming a sepia woman, ate 2 eggs and toast, 11:00am anxiety fading, feeling like I can work and like I can look at the picture of bf and be at peace, but the thought of going out to bank still brings up anxiety. Afternoon feeling much better, like my normal self, wanting to work and feeling confident in my abilities, slight shoulder/neck tension off/on, sugar craving, feeling strong able to get much work done with clients.

12/30/2010 - woke 4am, some vag/eur irritation during the day, did errands and event planning stuff with energy

12/31/2010 - woke 4am again, a little emotionally wobbly but able to do laundry and errands and event planning, really wanted nap at 1pm, resisted and watched movie instead, really missed bf during movie had to talk myself out of calling him, some neck/shoulder pain afternoon, felt good and happy while working at new years party, then got very upset when bf and new gf came in, cried a lot and got past it and was able to be loving and kind to each of them.

01/01/2011 - slept from 4am – 7 am, woke peaceful and happy and missing my son (who is on holiday with my mom), motivated to cook good food for myself and work a little post-event, some tender breasts, went to sleep 7:30pm very tired,

01/02/2011 - woke during the night in sweat again, woke at 6am then 7am, very little motivation to clean house or work, some tender breasts, a bit of fog around my joy for life, have always been able to enjoy simple things like putting fresh sheets on my bed, cleaning the house with music then lighting a candle and enjoying feeling myself while son is visiting my mom, but today there is still a fog, fog lifted enough in afternoon to be able to clean kitchen and fold laundry, stinky pee, slight vag irritation at bedtime

01/03/2010 - huge “break through” with best girlfriend after unplanned uncomfortable exhange with bf(ex-bf), stinky pee, some vag/eur irritation after pee improved with drive in car, very happy to see son again and play in snow with him,

Also I have noted this for the past week:
Depression or anxiety when lying on left side, neausea when lying on right side

Is it time for another dose of IGNATIA or SEPIA?
Or wait?
Or more information?

Thank you
Happy New Year
(I really feel like it will be a good year when I get through this stage)
Jennier

one more note:

90% of the night wakings include heavy sweat

Sameer,

More changes.
01/04/2010 - woke 5am no sweat, some neausea with anxiety some heartbeat skips when woke 7am, missing bf, then increasing anxiety while prepping for school, some irritation with son, tension/fear in chest, starting to feel difficult to breath, dizzy

I'm feeling afraid of going out of house, but really want to get my son to school so that I can have some peace and quiet.
menstruation should start in 3 - 5 days.
thank you
Jennifer

1 pellet in 250ml water
then one teaspoon from that?

Morning or Night?

thank you
jennifer

Sameer,

5 day update

01/05/2010 - slept through night until son came to my bed 5am, slept on back, could have slept more hours, no neausea, barely detectible anxiety, morning pee less stinky less dark, good appetite able to eat breakfast no problems, stinky pee, stinky armpits, but felt very weepy when ran into his new girlfriend at post office 9am, nervousness increasing after eating eggs and toast, despairing of ever being emotionally well again, feeling like I might be subject to the winds of emotional change for the rest of this life, feels like the fear/sorrow/anxiety is burning through my blood out into my limbs, ear ringing r/s,
took PULSATILLA 30c 11am, 2pm some irritated, body ok, pushed myself into working then got into the flow, affectionate with son all day, have been enjoying hugs and kisses with him much more lately, 4pm lonely, I really want adult companionship, I feel like an empty shell, I also feel like I am being stretched psychically, 5pm slight anxiety twinge, still so lonely, 6pm some resenting parenthood, 7pm sleepy, ears ringing
*note: speaking inside thoughts with outside voice for past 5 – 6 days (rather embarrassing)

01/06/2010 - woke 4:30am little sweat, woke 6:30 some anxiety, very heavy body extra gravity, getting out of bed was too much, stayed in until 9am, slight stinky pee, felt some anxiety in kitchen, then was able to go out for charity work with son, came home in a good mood, feel a gentler self emerging, I like myself, I feel softer, easier, 5pm MENSTRUATION began blood brownish red, very relaxed and peaceful, hoping I won’t go through all this emotional turmoil for the next ovulation cycle, difficult to go to sleep, ears ringing louder than in months

01/07/2010 - woke by son 5am, no sweat, woke again 7am, still longing for exbf, anxiety up again in kitchen in chest, just want to go back to bed,snapped at son a bit while getting ready for school but at the same time wanted to hug and kiss him so I did, not sure if this slight relief from the trauma is from PULS or from my period starting yesterday, better after drive to school, during drive I said very loudly in my head “I AM TIRED OF LIVING IN EMOTIONAL TURMOIL! I WANT PEACE!” when I got home I pushed myself to focus on work and this clear sense of peace like a still mountain lake filled me and emptied me physically, mentally, emotionally, it is thus, breathing deeply and allowing space for this awareness to put down roots in my being, some anxiety returning while doing dishes, slight stinky pee, hangnail left hand, triggered by seeing bf's boss and car, clearer here at home 3pm, stayed fairly clear and at peace at pizza party, relaxed and centered in my own skin, able to hold my tongue more than in past weeks, some vaginal twinge after urination, some ear ringing at bedtime

01/08/2010 – woke at 6am with Lindsay, read a little with him then napped until 10am, got up very little anxiety, can still feel a thread of the peace of yesterday, I want to stay centered in that calm, stinky pee yeasty maybe too much wheat, able to do shopping and stay 90% clear, then to grandma's and stayed fairly centered in conversation with multiple people, nerves got a little raw as best girlfriends house, then better after eating dinner, very slight eur twinge after pee 6pm, ate bite of chocolate 5pm now craving sugar 8pm, enjoyed my son all day, kept touching him while we shopped, very tired went to sleep 8:30pm

01/09/2010 - slept until 10am (13hours), got up ok, stinky pee, mostly calm w/son and while doing dishes, still missing bf upon waking but feeling stronger in not making contact, slight nervous stomach after 1st bm, started to weep when talking to neighbor, very slight eur twinge after 2nd bm, wanting a nap at 2pm, lonely, gurgle guts very loud 3pm, still tired 5pm, napped until 6pm, a little irritable with son after dinner, feel very depressed when I read descriptions of the Sepia Personality, am I going to be unmarried and alone all my life?

Can a 'sepia woman' ever be happy again after children? I love my son. He is beautiful (even other people say so) *crying while I type* I just feel so alone. I NEVER felt lonely in my 35 years before parenthood, even on solo backpacking trips. Now I feel lonely standing in the middle of the school yard with 50 people around me. Or if I go to a community event which is fulfilling (like the one friday night) I feel sad and lonely when we come home. I put my son in bed and feel desperately alone.
*still crying*
There MUST be SOME way for a sepia woman to feel whole inside of parenthood.

in gratitude to you Sameer,
Jennifer

Sameer,

Since last post:

01/10/2011 - dreamed of ex-bf deep deep eye-gaze and kiss in pet store, woke 5:45, very startled when girlfriend came in the door w/out knocking and the adrenaline made me irritable, burning in chest around heart, best friend came unannounced this morning to help get my son ready for school then drive him I accepted the help by stepping out of the way, but now I feel incapable or not a good mom,
I am doing my work but I don’t want to be I just want to go back to bed, I haven’t felt this miserable depressed in years, not suicidal depressed, but just unhappy/flat, (how can I go from such peace on Friday to such depression today?) the only thing that feels good is hugging/kissing my son, 10:00am suddenly feel very bad about myself like I’m stupid or not a good person because I have not taken care of myself these past few years, but I don’t want to have to take care of myself anymore… I’ve done too much taking care of… I want someone to take care of me, the responsibility is too much, 11:30am feeling some better after talking to friend, then much better after feeling into my boundaries when ex-bf called, feel strong in him reaching toward me and me being able to stand strong in my space, 3pm still strong and looking forward to going to the grocery, in good spirits still at7:30pm am hoping this motivation to clean the house and work at my business holds through tomorrow because I am very tired and want to go to bed early

** realization - I get a big rush out of handling challenging situations gracefully

01/11/2011 - slept from 9pm – 4:30am then until 7am, laid in bed thinking about my girlfriend who offered to have my son live at her house for a while instead of him going to live with my mom so that I could get a break, no physical pains, able to pretend happy w/son, still hoping that real happy will come back, able to practice some deep udjai breathing and bring myself closer to centered, not joyful yet but closer to a calm center, again feeling better less nervous 12pm, 1:00pm tension around heart/chest l/s lasting many minutes growing sharper, 5pm very grounded and centered mentally clear, emotionally calm, even happy (wow), very calm and loving with son even when he was having fits

** have been getting a clearer understanding of how deeply this hyper-sense of responsibility affects how I move in the world

01/12/2011 - woke 2am no sweat no tension/fear, woke 6:30am very little tiny anxiety, after taking son to school felt some anger about the relationship break-up but was able to write about it and talk about it without tears or crumbling into self-doubt, I can feel all the way into myself – my human self and my higher self, slight twinge of nervous stomache after lunch when friend arrived, 3pm slight anxiety returning home after picking son up from school, 4:30pm feel like im being swallowed up by loneliness, my son is irritating me even though I would like to play with him, I thought I could schedule play-time with him because I was able to yesterday

Thank you,
Jennifer

Sameer,

Yes better overall.
And different.
It is as though I am softer in some way. In the moments/hours when I am in my 'center' (not in an emotional or depressed state) I do not seem to have the hard edges that were always there.
I feel somehow more feminine.
I cried more freely after the PULS. I felt no judgement about my tears. And for the past two days I have been able to talk to friends or family about the changes in my life without crying.
I do feel that the PULS was a good thing.
But my menstruation did just end on the 10th and I always feel best at that time.

Thank you

Sameer,

This may not be quite one week, but the sudden and violent angry reaction that I had to my son just now, has prompted me to post.

For the past three days I have been crying alot. My friends took my son to their house because I couldn't care for him. While he was out I was able to cry freely and lay down and find some peace. Yesterday I finally got out of the house only to go to a yoga class (first class in maybe a year). I cried all through class while doing the asanas. I felt much cleansed for the next 24hours. I was even able to do some work for my clients. I practiced some asanas at home this morning.
But today at 4pm I felt some mild uterine cramps when I got in the car. Then at 7:30 getting my son ready for bed, he began to make it difficult and I snapped. I got violently angry at him, but was able to keep myself from hitting him. I just told him to go to bed.
This outburst is very frightening Sameer.

Do you have any recommendations?

Thank you so very much,
Jennifer

update:

i ate some chocolate at 9pm and felt immediate emotional relief. no more sorrow. no fear. no tears.
the cramps in my uterus increased slightly afterward, but seem to be relaxing now.

Sameer,

Since my last post I have continued to become more and more peaceful each day.
Yesterday I was the most centered, grounded and peaceful I have been in months maybe years.

Today I am still at peace but have developed a minor head-cold, with clear and yellow mucus.

For the few days before my period and right now during it, I have occasional vaginal irritation after a BM, and occasional eurethra irritation during after urination.

It is now 30 days since that PULS dose.
Shall I continue to watch how it moves through me?

thank you so much
this mental/emotional peace is such a gift.

Jennifer