Severe depression---need help desperately

I have consulted with 3 homeopaths but found no relief from my condition. All are capable people. I have been as honest as possible.
CAN ANYONE HERE HELP???? My life is over without a miracle.

I am pasting in information from two questionnaires:
1. Age,sex,weight,country,occupation.
ANS. 55 yr. Old , 5 ft. 4, 140 lbs, United States, homemaker/caregiver/counselor/ministry/teacher blue eye, green eye
2. Main complaints and other associated troubles.
a)Where is the trouble; The exact locality of the complaint like hands,legs etc; duration of trouble.
ANS. My mind is broken. I am suffering from severe with some anxiety--suicidal ideation--began Sept. 1, 2015
b)What exactly do you feel, Sensation as pain, how pain feels or burn etc.
ANS. Heavy, suffocating, body aches, burning aching down back and legs, very fatigued.
c)What are the factors that causes this trouble according to you.
ANS. Too much stress , multiple losses, lack of sleep, possibly hormones at this time of life??
d)Condition under which the complaint is reduced or you feel better like,cold or hot application,cold or hot weather,position as standing,walking,rest etc.
ANS. Distraction helps for a short bit, but I am miserable all the time. I stay on my bedroom as much as possible.
e)Condition under which the complaint is increased like,cold or hot application,cold or hot weather,position as standing,walking,rest etc.
ANS. Cold weather or damp weather both make me feel worse. So does extreme heat. Physically and emotionally. I feel a little better at night when my husband holds me in bed because I know that I will sleep and my mind will stop.

f)Any other complaint any where in the body.
ANS. My stomach feels bloated and it hurts. It feels like I am unable to stay hydrated no matter how much water I drink. I have added trace minerals but that hasnt resolved the problem. I get menstrual migraines. My eyes are dry and my ears ring when I exert myself. I get hives often. When spring comes if I go outside my eyes swell and my ears and throat, too. That is with medicine.It began about 10 years ago.
I have tingling in my legs, my back aches, uterine prolapse, herniated disc in my neck. My joints hurt. My skin is dry like sandpaper and has been for years. I have in both knees and contractures in right hand.
g)Onset time of troubles in detail, i.e which came first, after that what problem and so on.
ANS. -this all began after my youngest sister died in April of 2015 from an overdose. Within a few hours of hearing the news I got the and walking pneumonia. I was unable to attend the funeral. After that I felt a little anxiety off and on. The anxiety seemed to be from any stressors. Plumbing leaks, car problems, my Mom fell three times, there were other deaths. I couldnt keep up in my mind or process the feelings. Then one night a few months later when my Mom ( I am her caregiver) had a medical emergency I suddenly found it hard to function. She called me to come help her (she lives next door) and blood was all over. This is nothing new. My Mom has bleed before. I couldnt get it to stop so with her permission I finally called 911. When they came I couldnt seem to think straight. My mind just wouldnt work. At the hospital, I felt something give out in my body. My stomach started rolling and I felt panicky. Then I went into a state of fight or flight and couldnt get out of it for months no matter how hard I tried or how many relaxation tactics I used. I sought medical attention immediately as I have had issues with anxiety from time to time. But nothing like this. The medication didnt help. I still was only sleeping a few hours a night. Then came the first depressive thought (Oct. of 2015). It all continues to this date no matter what. I do not wish to have these thoughts or feelings. I am troubled greatly by them. Which is leaving me in a state of worry constantly. Our dog died, my brother-in-law died, and my Mother had other medical emergencies with blood but I did not go into a state of panic again. Still I am in a severe state of depression. I dont want to be depressed. I feel like screaming just so my mind will stop. But I dont scream. I pray but dont scream. I'm a shell of the person that I once was. That makes me even sadder. Seeing life go on without me. I feel backed into a corner and stuck in the darkness.Songs constantly are in my mind...this has never happened to me before.
h)Treatment method adopted and its result.
ANS. Many drugs tried. Diet tweaked and supplements added. The medications haven't helped the depression. My doctor does not want to continue to try medications, he wants me to try ECT or something.
I have tried Bach Flower Essence-so far no change. Perhaps I didnt pick correctly. Some herbs such as :Ashwagandha, Lemon Balm,Siberian . No notable change.
Digestive enzymes, probiotics, vitamin B complex, magnesium, extra folate, fish oil, oil, curcumin
3. History of diseases in family.
ANS. , arthritis, stroke, thyroid, c-ncer, heart issues, nuerofibromatosis, parkinsons disease, , kidney failure & depression
4. Personal History.
a)About childhood.
ANS. I was a timid child. One of five. I am the first in my parents union. They each brought a child into the marriage. My parents were strict but I rarely had to be corrected. I was compliant and wanted to please them. There was a lot of drama in the home due to my Dad's ex-wife. Also, my oldest brother left home in high school. I sought him out and begged him to come back home. I spent several summers with my grandparents in another state. Those were good times.
b)Academic performance.
ANS. I have earned several degrees.
c)Any major incidents in life and the effect of it on life.
ANS. My best friend died of c-ncer when I was 13. I was not allowed to see him and say goodbye. That was hard for me.
I had a mass removed from face twice in high school. It made me somewhat self-conscious.
My brother was hit by a car very close to our home. Sirens made me nervous after that.
My mother in law died suddenly. It was a shock.
Three bad car accidents. I never liked driving after the third one.
My father in law died in our home.
I had a brush with death. (Actually several)
My husband had open heart surgery at age 47.
My father fell headlong down the stairs and was in the trauma unit but could not recover.
Our son was mugged and left for dead.
Our son was in a tornado. It was traumatic going back there to get his stuff. What a disaster.
My mother nearly bleed to death on her 75th birthday.
My youngest sister left her family and it is a long sad story. It brought drama and estrangement due to the circumstances and her behavior. Her death was a shock to all of us.
The effect on me is: I am exhausted. I am severely depressed which frustrates the crap out of me. I constantly worry now. I am hypervigilant. I never felt that way before. I hate it. My mind and body never relax. I worry that my husband will die and I'll be left all alone. I worry that my Mom will die. I feel so very tired of death. I hate sickness and despise death. I also hate change. Change is hard for me. So is drama. I feel so sad to be having a severe depression after my sister died of an overdose which has very much hurt all of us. It makes no sense. Why now? I feel ashamed and weak.
d)How you are satisfied with your sex life, friends, family members, company etc.
ANS. I currently have no sex life beyond cuddling due to the depression and fatigue. Also, no . I have a wonderful husband. We've been married over three decades. He is my best friend. I hate what this is doing to both of us. I am so withdrawn and have to try to force myself to do anything. That includes the basics like showering and cleaning the house. Overall my relationships with people have been positive. I love people. But right now, I hide. My friends are tired of this depression. I don't want to bring them down. So, I isolate and try to figure out how to escape it.
I FEEL LIKE AN EMPTY SHEll.
5. Habits/Addiction.
a)Smoking, Alcohol,Sleeping pills, Laxative etc.
ANS. I spend too much time online looking for information, sometimes I procrastinate. I dont smoke, or drink. I dont take sleeping pills (although one of my medications usually brings sleep).
b)Masturbation and frequency.
ANS. No
6. How is your Appetite and Thirst.
ANS. I do not have an appetite. I eat because I must. I feel quite thirsty all of the time but appear dehydrated. My hands look like when youve taken a long bath or been in water for a long time.
7. Likes and Dislikes.
a)Alcohol Bread Butter Bitter Salt Sweet Sour Fats Milk Mud Chalk Egg Spicy food Meat Fish Fruits Fried Food
Warm food-drink Cold food-drink Ice Ice cream Chocolates Tea Coffee.
ANS. I do not like alcohol or bread. I dont mind butter if it is real. I dont like bitter or spicy foods. Too many carbs and I will break out in a sweat. I dont drink regular milk. I drink almond or coconut milk. I like salads. I prefer a low fat diet because I mostly eat vegetables, fruit, and fish or chicken. I do not like fried foods of any kind. I like herbal tea (warm) and filtered water (room temperature) I do like dark chocolate. Also, peanut butter. I dont drink coffee unless it is decaf. I do like sour foods like pickles and sauerkraut but I don't crave them. We eat eggs every few weeks. I rarely ever eat red meat. It is hard for me to digest. I dont like pork. Ice cream is ok once in awhile. I do like vanilla bean yogurt. (I am answers this generally speaking. Right now food has no appeal to me at all) I crave salt and chocolate preferably together.
b)Anything else about like and dislike of any activity with you or surrounding.
ANS. They are excavating behind our condos. I do not like the noise. I am not crazy about my husband working the afternoon shift. I dont care to leave the house. I miss our dog.
8. Bowel movements.
a)Nature of stool, frequency, satisfactory or not.
ANS. Stool is hard. Not daily. I am trying to remedy this with softeners..
b)Any discomforts associated with stool.
ANS. a little.
9. Urine.
a)Frequency, nature, volume.
ANS. 3-4 times a day, large volume. (unusual for me, I usually drink and pee more frequently)
b)Any discomfort before, during or after urination/odour
ANS. No
10. For men.
a)Any difference in erection/want of erection/weak erection/Ejaculation early/late.
ANS.
b)Any other trouble in sex.
ANS.
11. For Females.
a)Menses, Regular, Irregular,Early, Late.
ANS. Irregular and unpredictable. I am in the middle of the "change of life." Just about the time I think I am done I will get another period. I have only had 2 periods this year. One on Jan. one in Oct.
b)Duration of menses.
ANS. 3-5 days
c)Nature of flow, Scanty, Blood colour, Consistency, Odour, Staining, itching/ when and what makes it worse/better.
ANS. A little heavy, pass a lot of clots, very dark. Yucky smell. I have uterine prolapse.
I've had many surgeries after a long history of infection in my left leg. I spent years on IV antibiotics and am thankful to be off them for over 10 years.
12. Sleep.
a)The quality of sleep, the quietness or restlessness of sleep,
position of sleep, times of waking and reasons for waking,
need for cover over various parts of the body,
whether the window must be open or closed etc.
common dreams, peculiar sounds or gestures during sleep, etc.
ANS. My sleep is not great. I have not slept a full night in 3 years. The windows are always closed due to . I sleep on my left side and hold a pillow in front of me because I have a herniated disc in my neck. I have hot flashes & night sweats followed by chills. I had these prior to the depression but they were much less severe and did not affect my sleep. I sometimes wake up at 3 a.m. I go to the bathroom and throw something over the alarm clock. I need complete darkness to sleep. It seems that all I do is dream. No deep rest. I must sleep on the right half of the bed no matter where we go.
I do have a repeated dream. I am in high school again and cannot figure out how to get to my locker and get to classes on time. I have had this dream off and on for the past 10 years.
13. Sweat
a)How much, what parts, staining, Odour.
ANS. I sweat around my neck, armpits and also behind my knees. No stains. I just feel yucky. My body odor is not pleasant. I never used to sweat like this.
14. Weather
a)Tolerance to heat and cold, dryness, humidity, weather changes, sun, foggy weather, wind drafts, closed rooms, etc.
ANS. I feel pain with weather changes. Also, cold, damp days. I cant stay out in the heat for very long. Sunny days are my preference although I dont mind a gentle thunderstorm. I dont really like closed rooms. We leave all of our doors open within the house. Foggy weather is fine if I am in the house but if I am riding in the car it makes me nervous.
15. Mental Status
a)The quality of the patient's life in relationship to loved ones, family, friends and colleagues. Overall quality of energy available to function in daily life, and under various circumstances.
ANS. Normally my quality of life is good and I get along well with people. But at this time my quality of life is severely impaired. I have no energy, and I am very distracted by this depression. I feel trapped and sadly, I have become self-absorbed. I hate that. I do not perform tasks as I normally would. I am scatter-brained. I keep to myself as much as possible to spare others the pain of this depression.
b)Any mental/emotional shocks occurring in the patient's life-grief, major financial losses separation from loved ones, death, identity crisis and other stress in life.
ANS. I think I kind of answered that in another question. Much grief, many losses and death, and stress with trying to care for my Mom. I thought that I was dealing with the losses. I just felt a little tired. I did not know I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It came on me suddenly.
I have lost myself completely. I know that I am somewhere inside of this depressive shell of a person. I feel as though I have let everyone down including myself. The things that I had an interest in, I no longer care about or maybe I just feel unworthy to do them any more. I have been a helper and I am sad because I seem to no longer have anything to give. All of the passions and hobbies are nothing to me. I try but the depression overshadows everything.
c)Memory,ability to concentrate/comprehend.
ANS. My memory is not the best right now due to being distracted and tired in my mind. It used to be very good. I have lost track of time and date. It all runs together.
d)Are you fearful of anything eg: Animals, people, being alone, darkness, death, disease, robbers, thunder, storm, high places.
ANS. I fear spiders, snakes, stinging bugs, large dogs, hail, c-ncer, heights, dentists, doctors, sirens, flying, bridges and death. I fear losing my loved ones or completely losing my mind.
e)Are you anxious about anything: if yes, give details.
ANS. I am anxious about the impact that my illness is having on my husband and family. Weve worked so hard to build a healthy lifestyle with reduced stress only to have this depression invade our lives. I dont want to bring him down and I dont want to make him And, I am afraid that I will lose him because of his history of heart issues.
My greatest fear is that I will be stuck forever in this miserable state. I dont want to have my brain shocked and lose my memories.
f)Are you impatient.
ANS. No.
g)Are you doubtful or suspicious.
ANS. Sometimes.
h)Are you hurt easily (emotionally)how do you react. Does it cause hatred/revenge.
ANS. My feelings do get hurt easily. I withdraw to recover. Sometimes I cry but usually only with my immediate family. I have no desire for revenge and don't hate. I sometimes do want to understand and be understood so I work towards that if possible. I now cry so much. Probably every day.
i)Does your pride get hurt easily.
ANS. I dont think I have much pride.
j)Are you depressed, if so, reason/circumstances.
ANS. Yes. I am depressed because I got depressed and cant get out of this state. It is hurting my relationships and hindering me from being the person I desire to be.
k)Do you like to share your problems.
ANS. Not really but if I do share them it is with only a few people that I trust.
l)Effect of consolation.
ANS. I dont seek consolation but if sincere I dont mind it. Still, I would rather do the consoling.
m)Do you ever become suicidal when? How.
ANS. Yes. I have dark thoughts right now. This is not the person that I have been. Depression is a terrible liar. It tells me there is no way out and that things are hopeless. It feels like that and is starting to look that way. But I push the lies back. I dont want to want to die. I want the thoughts to leave. They scare me.
n)Memory- quality if poor, for what ( eg. Names, places, people, what you read).
ANS. Way below par right now. (was very good before)
o)Do you weep easily, effect of weeping, ie, does it make you worse or better.
ANS. I typically dont weep easily but when I do sometimes it makes me feel better for a bit. I cry more now than ever before. Every day I cry. I feel trapped in darkness.
p)Are you easily irritated. What makes you angry, how do you express it.
ANS. Im not easily irritated. I dont like it when people are cruel to others. I hate it when people lie. I get frustrated when people assume things. I get upset when people dont keep their word.
For the most part, I keep my anger to myself. There are times when I will try to reason with someone or explain myself because I dont like misunderstandings. I control my anger when possible and let time pass most of the time.
q)Are you destructive.
ANS. Breaking things? No not at all.
r)How good are you in making decisions.
ANS. Currently I am having a hard time concentrating and feel inadequate to make decisions. Normally I confer with my husband as much as possible. I am cautious with decisions and make them carefully.
s)Do you like company or like to remain alone.
ANS. I have never minded being alone. I like to be with people and then I like to be alone to refuel. Currently, I want to be alone period until I am alone. And then I wish I wasnt. I feel very confused.
t)How seriously are you affected by disorder and uncleanness in your surroundings.
ANS. I do not like clutter or dirt. I am a bit of a clean freak...or I was. Things are very out of order now. I feel overwhelmed all the time and too tired to do anything about anything.
u)How does failure appear to you?
ANS. I hate failure. It is deflating. But I try to learn from failure. If I had it my way, I would never fail, never make a mistake, and never have an accident.
v)Are there any matters that you deeply dislike?
ANS. I deeply dislike depression. I dislike toxic conversations. I dislike politics. I dislike gossip. I hate confrontation.
w)What activities you deeply like? How does it affect your mood?
ANS. Before this happened I loved to read, learn, write, teach, and spend time with my husband and friends. I also love nature, and photography, and smooth jazz music. I love to encourage people At the present time everything seems like a chore. So, that makes my mood worse. I have never been a moody person although I am sensitive. It has never taken much to please me. I have found pleasure in small things like a beautiful sunset, or a butterfly. Right now, I dont find pleasure in anything. I just want to feel better. I feel very guilty for that.
x)Are you affectionate? How does others sorrow affect you?
ANS. Yes, I am affectionate. Not sticky sweet but I do hugs well. I feel others pain and sorrow. It sometimes makes me feel sad but not usually depressed. I do want to fix people sometimes.
y)Any present fears in your life or future.
ANS. I fear that I will be depressed for the rest of my life. I fear that my Mother will get ill and I wont be able to give her the kind of care that she needs. I also fear how it will feel when she dies. I also fear that my husband will die. I dont want to be left alone. I fear that our dreams will vanish. I fear being a burden to others. I have Mutiple Sclerosis. My condition is stable and I dont receive treatment but Ive been told it could change.
z)Any present life or future life desires.
ANS. I want to be whole and have peace of mind. That is my greatest desire. For myself and for those I love. I want to be resilient so I can handle all that comes my way. I want to learn more about photography and travel with my husband to see the beauty of Gods handiwork. I would like to take my Mom somewhere special make one of her dreams come true and make a good memory. I feel very uncomfortable around people and hate that everything feels like such a chore. Ugh.

Aurum metalicum 200c
Stapsygaria 30c
Carconisim LM 1&2
Arsenicum Album 200
Aconite 200
Opium 200
Pulsitilla 30c
, 200c
Colcullos 30c
Silcia 30c
Phosporous 200
Nat Mur 200
Nat Mur 1M (x2)
Ammonuim Carbonicium 200
I don't know what the last homeopath gave. He did multiple remedies at once but did not disclose. I have also taken Collodial Gold (took it daily for a month with no results.
I have tried many flower remedies to no avail.

Are you diabetic or suffering from ? No
Or any other chronic disease .. ?just ms
Its not a disease but I am perimenopausal. It feels like an illness. Along with hot flashes, night sweats (happens day and night) my brain is foggier than ever, I don't have mood swings just constant overwhelming depression.
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This is a lot to read. If you took the time, thank you. If you don't have any suggestions to offer I understand. IF you do, please feel free.
[Edited by Mel on 2018-10-19 00:56:15]