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Rishimba or Evocationer please help changeable moods

Dear Rishimba or Evocationer, would you, please, take up my case and help me stabilise my moods? I have had a number of difficult events in my life and am struggle with acceptance. My moods fluctuate very often, gearing towards depressive. I have had some wonderful results from several remedies, but am lost as to where to go next. I had a most unfortunate reaction to Sepia, described in a separate post. I was advised to ease the effects with Calc Carb, which seems to have given me a deep depression before I even noticed it. I am writing now, as my mood unexpectedly lightened, before it becomes debilitating again. I have a large family depending on me and really want to be stable and functional. Hopefully, my mood lasts long enough to answer your questionnaire - what are the necessary questions? Thank you, I really appreciate the help
 
  Dora14 on 2015-03-10
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
I emailed Rishimba- he will
advise if he has the time.
 
simone717 7 years ago
Allen writes about calc:

- According to Hahnemann, Calc. must not be used before Nit. ac. and Sulph.; may produce unnecessary complications.
- In children it may be often repeated.
- In aged people should not be repeated; especially if the first dose benefited, it will usually do harm.

Just noticed, that you have already created thread for Rishimba/Evocationer. So kindly wait for their advice.
Regards,
 
mani_jee 7 years ago
Patient ID: Sex: Age: Nature of work: Habits:


Please answer the following questions in a descriptive manner after careful analysis and recollection of previous experience and happenings.

1. Describe your main suffering? State the correct location of pain or suffering.

2. What other physical sufferings do you have in your body?

3. What mental sufferings / feelings do you have associated with your physical sufferings?

4. What exactly do you feel when you are at your worst? Describe the sensation in your own words.

5. When did it all start? Can you connect it to any past event or disease?

6. Which time of the day you are worst?

7. What are the things that aggravate your suffering and those that ameliorate the same? Example: time, temperature, pressure, rubbing, washing, eating, tight clothing etc.


8. Do you think your sufferings have relation to any external stimuli (like, change of place) or any internal biological changes in the body, like, menses (in females)?

9. When do you feel better, during hot weather or cold weather, humid or dry weather?

10. Describe your general mental set up? Are you Moody, Arrogant, Mild, Agreeable Changeable, Nervous, Suspicious, Easily offended, Quiet, Arguing, Irritating, Lazy etc.

- How do you feel before or during a thunderstorm?
- Do you like being consoled during your tough times?
- Are you sensitive to external stimuli like smell, noise, light etc?
- Do you have any typical habit or gesture like nail biting, causeless
Weeping, talking to one self etc?
- How do you feel about your friends, family, your children and especially your husband / wife?
-How do you respond to music? Do you feel better or worse mentally listening to music?
- What upsets you most in yourself and in others?

11. What are your fears and do you dream of any situation repeatedly?

12. What do you crave in food items and what are your aversions?

13. How is your thirst: Less, Normal or Excessive?

14. How is your hunger: Less, Normal or Excessive?

15. Is there any kind of food which your body can’t stand?

16. Is your sweat normal or less or more? Where does it sweat more: Head, Trunk or Limbs?

17. How is your bowel movement and stool type?

18. How well do you sleep? Do you have a particular posture of sleeping?

19. Do you think you are able to satisfy your sexual desires in general?

20. Do you have any strange, peculiar or unusual symptom or feelings? How are you different from others?

21. What medications have been taken earlier by you to treat the diseases and do you have any particular symptom surfacing after the medication?

22. What major diseases are running in your family?

23. Describe, how do you look like? Describe your overall appearance.
24. What major diseases have you had in your life and when. Please write them in a chronological manner.
(For Females)
25. If your menstrual cycles are not normal, please describe all irregularities, like pains, moods, flow type, clots etc. as below:
- Are your periods generally regular, early or delayed? What is the usual cycle duration?
- Describe the sensations and locations of pain before, during and after the flow.
- How do you generally deal with your sufferings during periods? Do you have any non-medical way of relieving your suffering?
- What is the duration of flow? Is it heavy, medium or light?
- Do you observe clots?
- Do you have mid-cycle spotting? What are the days you have spotting?
- Describe changes in your mental condition or any other peculiar symptom that surfaces before, during or after the flow.
- Do your sufferings increase or decrease as soon as the flow begins?
- Did you ever take birth control pills on a regular basis?
- Have you ever been treated earlier or recently for any gynecological irregularity? Please describe.
 
rishimba 7 years ago
up to top-

Dora, this has to be filled out to get
the right info on your case.
 
simone717 7 years ago
I am working on the questionnaire and will post as soon as I am done. I am finding it very challenging because of the vagueness. There is a lot to write about and it is taking a lot of time and emotional energy. Bringing up all the stuff that is difficult to deal with.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
Hi- Whenever you are ready is
fine. Rishimba will get an alert
when you post, he is waiting
to look it over.

Best,

Simone
 
simone717 7 years ago
I am still working on the questions, but I keep getting sick with various things. There has been a lot of new stress since the beginning of the year (otherwise the stress is chronic) and it looks like my resilience is gone. My teeth and gums have had multiple issues, and even the dentist told me to strengthen the immune system. My muscles are constantly tight, esp in shoulders, neck, upper back and right now I have flu like achiness all over, total lack of energy, limbs are very heavy and a strong headache. No other symptoms, light sneezing, maybe very mild fever. Feel like I have been run over or poisoned by toxins. Is there anything I can use to flush this out? Thank you
 
Dora14 7 years ago
I also feel dizzy if I move the head and there are sometimes like whooshing noises that pass through the head. My right eyelid has been twitching for a couple of weeks, and I never have that symptom otherwise.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
Please include all these symptoms when you give your case. Unless we take the full case, its difficult to zero in on the remedy.
 
rishimba 7 years ago
Patient ID: Sex: Age: Female, 38yo
Nature of work: sedentary, IT
Habits: ?

Please answer the following questions in a descriptive manner after careful analysis and recollection of previous experience and happenings.

1. Describe your main suffering? State the correct location of pain or suffering.

Mood fluctuations/depression/anxiety – when I’m depressed I often cannot do anything, engage in most simple of tasks – dishes, chores. I do not have a sense of time – not able to plan, or even see ahead. If I have an appointment in late afternoon, I will view the day only in terms of this appointment, often unable to do anything else. I am not particularly anxious to be on time, but the anxiety is more about the completion of something that is open. I like to have things done, closed, determined, so the appointment in the afternoon being unfinished creates anxiety so that I am unable to focus on anything else until it is done. I am constantly waiting for things to finish, settle down, be formed, so that I could focus on what I need. When I am not depressed or anxious, I have had a great sense of time, able to fit in a million things before that afternoon appointment. Otherwise, that «needing to have things finish or settle” permeates everything. This is an important part of my behavior and I feel that I am not able to explain in properly. I find it difficult to analyse myself. I am guided more by emotions and prefer spontaneity, than structure and order. Routines really oppress me. Having to do the same thing every day, and especially over and over is very depressing. Having things done and settled sounds like I like routines, but I do not. Perhaps I like everything else to stay in its place and dependable, so I can be spontaneous? I like new things, but dislike surprises. As a child I often moved furniture in my room to get a new surrounding. I am able to do with repeating activities for a while, a few months, maybe, and then the repetition feels more and more oppressive, never becoming a habit. It is like I try it on for a while and need to move on. This applies to any new interests, hobbies, exercise regimens… When I feel that I exhausted all it can give, or all I can take from it at the moment?..

Get stuck in low moods, often slip into them – when I am depressed, I feel that it should be that way. It is difficult for me to try and do anything to get out of it, it is as if I believe that it has a right to exist. Any time I am not depressed, I feel amazed at how much I accomplish, how easy things seem, how I do not even have the thoughts I am used to, do not question the purpose or meaning of mundane activities. I do not have manic mood swings, just occasionally I am out of the depressed mood for undetermined period of time. I wonder whether most people feel like that all the time, and feel happy that I am able to join them, but as soon as my mood lowers, it is as if I resign to it being like that all the time. Often, I do not even notice that is is low until I can no longer do even the simple tasks.

When my mood is low, I often feel sort of an anxiety about the uselessness of all activities. Every task seems mundane and devoid of meaning. Often, I cannot do anything because of lack of focus and indecision. I cannot even think of what needs to be done. Sometimes, it escalates in that I feel that I must do something, but cannot decide what. Everything seems like such a waste of time, unworthy of attention or spending time on. There must be something of great meaning that I need to do, and if only I could focus, I would discover what that was. I often judge tasks or activites as more or less worthy of time spent on them. I typically feel short of time. It has been year since I was able to count on the day being my own, and so any time I do have free time, I am not able to spend it on “useless” tasks like household chores. I seek something that is of great value, important, lasting meaning, useful. Often, I cannot find it, or if I think of something, the time I have is too short for that task. I find it difficult to re-focus when interrupted, and so I avoid even starting anything because I do not have enough uninterrupted time. When I am not depressed, such thoughts do not even come to me. I do whatever is in front of me. But such periods of time are very rare. I would like to have more of them. Typically, when I m not depressed, I am very productive. I can easily prioritise activities and start those that will continue on their own for a while, before attending to short term tasks. I can respond positively to being interrupted by children, for example, I am able to do part of an activity and leave the rest for later.

When I am depressed, I find it difficult to come up with what to cook for dinner, for example. In fact, it is one of the clues for me that my mood has changed. I would have absolutely no ability to make any decision, not just about cooking, but anything else, but cooking is an indicator. My mind feels fuzzy, blank, dull. It is as if I am staring at a uniform grey area in my mind, and not a single thing stands out. Making a decision is very difficult, nothing comes forward and presents itself as a choice. In relation to cooking, it is usually difficult for me to do multi-day or even multi-step recipes, because I can start something, but there is no guarantee that I will have the inclination to go through with it. There is, first of all, the difficulty of dependably having the time to continue. My surroundings are often in flux – so many kids need so many things, and my husband’s job can be unpredictable. I feel never able to depend on my surroundings. Perhaps this is more to do with my inability to handle the stress than anything else, it is hard for me to tell. But the result is that I feel unable to plan – poor relation with time. Just because I want to make soup by making stock one day and continuing the next day, does not mean that I will have the time to devote to it. Nor, if I have the time, will I feel up to the task. Cooking is only one example, one that comes up every day because we need to eat. I feel the same about all activities. Most likely, I will have lost the interest in the activity by the next day. It is hard to explain. For this reason – that I cannot depend on being able to continue the next time, or perhaps it is the other way around, but I tend to want to have things completed, as mentioned earlier. So, with cooking, if I have the mood to cook, I tend to want to cook all I have all at once. It is difficult for me to leave part of an ingredient for later. I might not be in the mood to use it later. Once I get going, I want to keep going. I can come up with a great number of ideas or recipes or projects, and can typically accomplish a lot of them, if I am not interrupted. This to me is all part of wanting to have things settled. An ingredient sitting in the fridge is a source of anxiety – it is not “done”. I am absolutely not able to do a little bit every day. I can do a great deal all at once, and then nothing at all for a while, or a great deal of something different, also all at once. I don’t know whether this drives the feeling of lack of time, lack of important task, and indecision that I struggle with or inability to control my time because I have had so many demands from kids and jobs that were not fulfilling for so many years has created this anxiety of having to finish all at once because I can not depend on having time to do it later.

Another example of needing things complete is “collections” that I tend to want to have. I do not collect anything in the typical sense, like stamps, but when I find something I like, I tend to want to exhaust the subject or item. I may want to have every colour of ribbon I like (it is always an item I would be able to use, so ribbon would be used in sewing, never anything “useless” to me), reading every book by the author whose one work I liked. I often gather ideas of what I would like to do, way more than is possible to accomplish, but I do not recognize that. I will bookmark a lot of interesting projects, for example, and never actually start any, but instead move on to another area that interests me.

Especially when I am depressed, I feel that I exist mostly in my thoughts, and not in my body. I don’t even notice myself, it is all thoughts, preoccupations. I may feel like I am so busy, when in reality I have done nothing at all. Or that I have no time to do anything, but when I am not depressed, I can accomplish much in a short time. When I am not depressed, it is as if I descend into my body and become aware of my surroundings. Things settle down and become manageable and tangible. When I am depressed or anxious, I feel a mental fog through which I cannot get through. Sometimes I can even observe myself from outside of myself, and see how useless and meaningless my days are, and how I am wasting my life. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own, and that I am waiting, waiting, waiting until I can start living. And then occasionally, I feel like I am all together, not parts of me left in the past or other places.

When not depressed, I am able to pay attention to what is around me, otherwise I am lost in thoughts. Life presents as a series of meaningless events, and I am unable to do anything without seeking great meaning in my tasks, or a task with the most meaning or value. In fact, not finding anything meaningful to do with my day is highly depressing, and I am often not able to get out of bed, filled with anxiety about that – not finding anything meaningful to do. In the evening, I stay up as long as physically possible, because I often have more energy and drive as the day draws to a close, but also because I dread not finding anything to do the next day. These are very subconscious feelings. I do not actively do this, but this makes the most sense based on how I actually behave. Planning for the next day does not help for reasons mentioned elsewhere – there is no guarantee that I will have the time or opportunity to actually accomplish that plan, nor that I will have the inclination to do so. It is only when I am not depressed that I can plan and fulfill that plan, but that is rare.

I like to be spontaneous, but find it difficult to do so for physical and mental reasons. I am rarely able to simply get up and go, which is my natural preference. Usually, I have to gather children to come with me, often unwilling, so it is quite an ordeal. Then I have to worry about having to bring snacks, etc with me to facilitate the absence. All of that takes time and is definitely not spontaneous. Then, I often do not have a means of transportation without planning ahead, which I find extremely encumbering. I grew up in and crave a situation of dependability of external sources, when I simply left the house without very much planning – transit was within easy distance, and if you missed something, the next means was soon coming. Similarly, easily available sources of food were everywhere. But also I am able to go without food or with very simple food for multiple hours, so it was never an issue. Now I live where nothing is within walking distance, really, it all needs a car, which I don’t always have, and there aren’t food sources easily accessible. Again, need a car to drive to a store and waste an enormous amount of time to get a simple bit to eat, but even more than that, I dislike spending extra money, so try to bring food with me. (I do not believe in junk food, especially for kids). And now I have kids, so I must always plan for all kinds of things to bring with me, all of which totally detracts from spontaneity. And so, I feel really encumbered whenever I think of getting out, and so I don’t get out. The only thing I don’t know is whether this is a learned response or the depression. I do feel more spontaneous in my home country, even with kids, but again, the situation is very different there.
When I am depressed, I have difficulty leaving the house for reasons other than described above, as well. I do like being outside, a lot, but getting out is a great ordeal. Even when leaving by myself, I end up spending a lot of time getting this and that, and being very late for whatever event. Most of the time I feel anxiety about the event. It isn’t conscious, but I invariably delay getting out, even when the time is pressing, so this must be anxiety. This delaying applies to pleasant events, ones that I like as well. For unpleasant, there is obvious conscious anxiety. Sometimes, I feel silly for delaying departure, when I get to the event and it goes well, but the next time, I still feel “stuck” at home. This also applies to simple leaving, such as going to my own back yard to tend to the garden. I don’t want to leave the house. On the other hand, when I am out, I do not want to return home. Even from the back yard. I rarely want to go home when I am out, perhaps after a long day out, but not after a short errand. It is such a hassle getting out that I want to accomplish a lot once I am there. The theme of “waste” comes into play here as well – waste of gas just to go to the store, I feel the need to amount several errands in order to get out for the outing to have meaning or value. It is a hassle to get children dressed, so, again, the errand must be significant or multiple. I grew up spending a lot of time outside, perhaps I crave that, I don’t know, but whereas there it was possible to be outside, there were many old parks, benches, numerous playgrounds, markets, etc, but even the architecture was a sight to behold, so it was easy to occupy the mind when simply walking. Where I am now, just being seems disallowed, frowned upon – no benches, parks are small and far away, distances are to great to walk most places, playgrounds are often unreachable and deserted, inaccessible in winter. All is geared towards efficiency, and there is nothing to look at in terms of surroundings. It is difficult for me to simply go for a walk – too far to go for any errand, and otherwise really boring for my mind to look at functional buildings and open spaces. I do enjoy nature very much, but my mind is quick with excellent recall (I remember seeing the same things over and over, and get frustrated) and gets bored very easily. So all this makes it even more difficult to get out when I am depressed.

When I am depressed, I feel difficulty staying in touch with people. I do not have many friends, because I seek deep meaningful relationships, and these are rare. But I often feel unable to reach out when feeling low. I cannot find anything to say, so do not initiate conversations. I feel very disconnected and alone. My mind is the same foggy grey nothing that won’t produce a decision even about dinner, so there is no question or topic of conversation. I feel difficulty discussing everyday topics, they all seem so trivial and unimportant compared to the existential crises I am thinking about. I have great difficulty asking people for anything, as I expect them to refuse or be upset with me. And a refusal or rejection are very hard for me to take, so I avoid it altogether. I even avoid picking up the phone. Perhaps someone will ask me to do something and I will not feel confident enough to say no, or it will be related to scheduling something, and given the difficulties in handling time when depressed, I will be unable to handle it properly.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
2. What other , sufferings do you have in your body?
Many physical symptoms on the right side. The left side is also affected, for example, muscles are just as tight as on the right, upon examination, but I feel it in the right.

I have pain in the right foot, likely due to tightness of leg muscles.
Right SI joint has been giving me trouble for many years (physical problems started here) for no apparent reason.
My left shoulder is higher than the right, possibly having to do with some muscle tightness on the right side.
Upper back often aches
Shoulders, neck, upper back are often very tight, painful, pulling on scalp muscles, causing tension headaches.
I often have dull stabbing pain in liver
Lately, my small intestine has become irritated, likely after antibiotics
I suffer heartburn and burping that will not resolve since last pregnancy. It started around 3 months gestation and is still present (14 moths postpartum)
Since problems with my wisdom tooth at the start of this year, I have had many migraines and continue to often have headaches, which change in nature and location. The migraines started around the same time that I took sepia, but I am not sure whether they were caused by that or the problems with the wisdom tooth.
I often have an eye twitching, usually the upper right, since beginning of this year has been extremely stressful
Sinus problems all my life, occasional lack of smell
Some patches of dry flaky skin on elbows, knees
Teeth and gums, especially the last few months, it feels like these are crumbling.
In general, I feel like I am falling apart, unable to withstand the stresses of my life. I am very frustrated by all the physical problems, and feel that they must all be connected, since most are on the right side. I have not been able to address them to any significant satisfaction through physio, chiropractic, etc,

3. What mental sufferings / feelings do you have associated with your physical sufferings?

Unable to withstand stresses - especially lately, I cannot handle any kind of stress. I react in physical way to any emotional issue. Over the last 6-7 years, I have had an enormous amount of stress. Many stressful events, and I feel that the toll of that has severely affected my immune system. Especially the last 6 months, I become physically cold after any kind of bad news, and cannot warm up for many hours. Since January, I have been ill many times, each time after some stressful event, and seem to catch everything. This is typically not the case for me. Even my teeth have been failing, with multiple nerves becoming inflamed and needing root canals and even extraction. I feel like I am crumbling, and unable to have any sort of stamina, physical or emotional. I become angry and then depressed after bad news, especially in situations I am powerless, but lately, I have been getting ill as well.

Get stuck in grudges and can’t move out of them, build up resentment and can’t forgive, especially things like broken promises. I have a very good memory, and unless things are resolved, they stay with me.

Difficult to do anything when not alone – it is as if I fear being watched or judged. It is not conscious, I just notice that I feel the most freedom, when I am by myself and can choose my time or activity. If I had the whole day, I would first do what “needs” to be done – cleaning, cooking, etc, and then spend time on what I like to do. Otherwise, I cannot spend time on “useless” chores, and tend to neglect them. Time to myself is so rare that I wouldn’t want to waste it on boring everyday things. When I feel depressed, though, I find it difficult to do anything at all, meaningful or not, no decisions come to mind. Most of the time, I find it difficult to ignore external stimulation, especially, sounds, so when someone is home, my attention is drawn to them, and I cannot think clearly about what I need to do myself. I find it difficult to do things for myself as well. I cannot do any type of exercise, if I am being watched, and even having a shower is difficult for me when I am not alone at home. When I am alone, I can focus on what needs to be done and choose an activity. In fact, I am able to make decisions better, even when depressed, when I can have alone time to focus. When other people are home, I feel constrained and not really free, and avoid some activities that I feel I would have to explain. In particular, it is difficult for me to do anything just for me, as then the chores will be left undone without me to assign them to anyone. I feel the need to do things with whoever is home, or to supervise them, if it’s a child, and even an adult, because otherwise, no things will get done. I feel easier with a small child (one that will not judge) or a baby that is asleep and does not need my attention. I like to do things all together, but I feel that I must be the one organizing things each time, as my spouse never initiates anything like that, and I am usually not thinking clearly enough to do so. And in any case, it is very difficult for me to organize everyone without support. When I am alone and someone comes home, my behavior changes. Usually, I can focus and find things to do when alone, and be productive. I suddenly feel how tired I am, and want to rest, when someone returns, or realize that I have not eaten in a while. My attention shifts to whoever is home. It is difficult for me to explain. I do not feel extra tired, but perhaps I resent spending time on chores when someone is “watching” me?.. It is difficult to analyse myself. Both behaviours are true to how I feel, I just feel differently alone and not, but I do feel more self conscious when someone is home, and some things I cannot do, or avoid doing when not alone.
Do not like to be alone all the time – dislike being alone in the evening or at night, and sometimes when I am alone, I actually feel anxious and uncomfortable and lost, and also cannot find anything for myself to do.
Great difficulty accepting situations that are not my choice – big and small

4. What exactly do you feel when you are at your worst? Describe the sensation in your own words.

I often think that things or activities are useless, worry that activities/days/life are devoid of meaning, think that I will not able to find anything meaningful to do
I feel stuck in unhappiness, things keep going wrong, my health is failing in many areas, I am disappointed in every aspect of my life, feel tied down by responsibilities with no way out, no time for things I want to do, isolated with no prospects of building good relationships, weighed down by many problems; solutions to some problems are arguable worse than the problem itself. Hopeless, lost in time and space, overwhelmed.
When I am at my worst, I feel unable to physically move, lost in deep negative emotion, or total apathy. Unable to move to do anything, disengage from the sorrow, or grudge, or the feeling of futility. Really stuck, not able to move on. I can even not eat for hours. Another scenario is that I can be extremely angry, violent, throwing things, screaming, swearing, exploding like a volcano.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
5. When did it all start? Can you connect it to any past event or disease?
It likely started at the very beginning. My mother screamed at me for as long as I can remember. She mostly screamed at me for failing to do something according to a standard that I was unaware of. It made me feel totally stupid and completely worthless. I tried to please her, to do things so she would stop yelling. She never did. In retrospect, I realize that she never wanted me and perhaps liked the idea of me, but not me. She kept me at a distance, never exhibiting affection. I felt never up to her standards and she never accepted me. She treated me like an unwanted weed that she was unable to pull out, but not able to tend. She said that she provided me with food and shelter, and that was enough. She was not sentimental, and maintained that children did not need that. She found fault in everything I did, and she still does. For a long time I believed that it was all my fault, and I still do, most of the time. I don’t really know how it affected me, I don’t know any different. I probably seek people’s approval, want everyone to like me. I expect people to yell at me, to be unhappy with me, in general; this is especially strong when I am depressed. I avoid contact with people, and expect to be criticised and denied. I set high standards and am never satisfied. I still crave attention and wait for her to love me, even though that will never happen, but it is so deep, I cannot eradicate it. I always wished I had a large extended family with aunts and uncles and grandparents to be near and to visit, but both my parents were only children and most grandparents I never knew. I lack self confidence. I believe that people won’t want to spend time with me once they find out what I am really like. I fear and anticipate rejection. I try to please. I have a strong will and backbone, but have difficulty saying no to people I depend on, or need something from. When I have to force myself to conform in a situation like that, resentment eats me from inside, but I am not able to be assertive. It is also difficult for me to be assertive with people I am frieds with, as I worry that they will stop being friends. I expect others to criticize or judge, even family members of “conscious” age.
My father died when I was 9. My parents were already divorced for many years when he died suddenly of an aneurysm. I wasn’t told about it until some time later, and my mother prevented me from attending the funeral. I didn’t feel any emotions at the time. I had had a very good relationship with my father, although intermittent. I remember lots of good experiences with him. He taught me many things. He constantly took pictures of me, and when he died, the pictures stopped. He had been trying to get full custody of me, and instead I ended up staying with my mother. I lost out on a lot of things when he died and still wonder what it would have been like otherwise.
His mother died only a few years after. I planned to spend the weekend with her, and did something that seemed more interesting at the last moment. She was very disappointed, and I feel I betrayed and abandoned her. Maybe if I had been there I could have called the ambulance and she wouldn’t have died the way she did. I feel regret, and that I didn’t appreciate her. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally, and I didn’t understand that. It is probably her love that allowed me to withstand a lot of difficulties in life. I wish I appreciated it more when she was alive and that she stayed alive longer. I wish that I felt her acceptance for much longer, so I could have more confidence and more love to give. I can’t forget about it.

Being forced to emigrate certainly led to a lot of problems for me. My life really divides into before and after I lost myself. My parents told me that it was for a short visit, and it turned out that they wanted to stay. I was 16 at the time. At the time I felt deep sorrow, and felt that I wouldn’t see the places I cared about ever again. I spent a lot of time sitting on roof tops trying to take as much in as possible before we left. I feel like I lost myself, that a large part of me is still there, left behind, stuck in time. I am trying to return, to recreate that time. I feel like I have no roots, no home. I feel like the life I am living is not my own, is all very surreal, and I don’t fit in. No history, no foundation. It was not my choice, and I cannot accept it. I’m not actively rejecting it – I tried for a very long time to fit in, but came to realize it just was not happening. I have a lot of resentment towards everything I don’t agree with. Perhaps because I didn’t choose this, I cannot accept it.

Being abandoned in the foreign country when my family left did not help. Less than a year after we emigrated, they abandoned me. In addition to the emotional abuse of my whole childhood, there was physical abuse in that last year. This came to a climax the day that I discovered my mother and two younger siblings had left me behind with my stepfather. I didn’t even know they were planning to leave. There was an incident and I ran away to a friend’s house. My stepfather humiliated me by covering up what happened, and created an alternate story, and shamed me for exposing family matters to strangers. He told lies about the situation, and made it all my fault. I had nothing more to do with him, and eventually he left for another country. I had no contact with my mother for a year. I felt very betrayed by my stepfather, but not consciously. At the time I really did not question his behaviour. We had always had a good relationship, and I thought he liked me. He tried to mediate between me and my mother. The year we emigrated he began to take my mother’s side, and I felt alone. Even my siblings teased me about being abandoned and rejected by the whole family.
My mood really changed in university after I started taking BCP. It took me many years to realize that. Gradually, my mood worsened and I felt very sad and lonely all the time. I also became extremely anxious and had a lot of difficulty sleeping. I had a lot of obligations and tasks. Being on my own, I had 4-5 jobs at a time, just to pay rent and buy food. (My tuition was covered by a scholarship). For a whole year I did not sleep at night, because I was too worried that I would not wake up in time to get to class. No doctor could figure it out, but I caught myself constantly thinking that I must not sleep through the alarm. In reality, I was only dosing, and never actually sleeping. Because of the anxiety or the situation, I also became very obsessed with money. My sleep became a little better after that year, once I discovered that I was not sleeping, but I was not able to sleep in a new place for multiple days each time. Not able to sleep until morning, and not at all if I were hungry. Money became a huge stressor, where I literally counted every single penny. All of this lasted for many years. My sleep stabilized after about 10 years, though I still cannot sleep when hungry, but the other issues remain, even though I stopped bcp a long time ago. The sleeping issues greatly affected my relationship with my (then future) father in law. He was a rigid, shallow man and I was too different from what he expected. He did not like me from the beginning. He thought me lazy for not being able to get up early in the morning when I visited their house, and was not interested in any deeper relationship. The only way I was able to get some sleep would be towards morning and after food. He abhorred my “breakfast in bed”. I craved inclusion into my husband’s family and tried for at least 10 years to be interested in things that were important to them to fit in, but nothing made any difference. It is a deep regret of mine, as I always craved a large extended family.

The anxiety about money remains to this day. For example, I like having lights on in most of the house, but I am obsessively turning them off, as it costs money. Here each drop of water is also metered and costs extra, so I can almost see money flowing out the tap and out the lights. I am not well off, and have seen a real difference in our bills with lights off and on, so it is difficult to ignore. I am always conscious of finding the best price for items, which includes saving for a few items of excellent quality. Buying cheap things that fall apart after a few months to me is also “waste”. Money saved when turning lights off, for example, I would rather spend on good books, or kids’ activities or items of other value to me. Electricity is charged at different rates here depending on time of day, so I would avoid cooking dinner until “cheap” time, not that it was cheap. I don’t know anyone else who does it, even people that are not well off, so I feel really affected by this. This awareness is a source of burden for me. I don’t want to become foolishly wasteful, but it is not healthy to literally see money flowing out of the tap, for example. I used to think that every piece of toilet paper equaled money as well, and that seemed surreal to me. I try to consciously brush those thoughts off, but it is an issue that bothers me. I also find it difficult to discuss money matters with people. For example, when personal issues come into play, like councelling, it is difficult for me to discuss things knowing that the person is only interested in money. I could not continue seeing the homeopath because he started counting the minutes of each conversation and adding them to the previous conversations to equate that to the next unit of time to charge more. I understand that nobody is truly interested in my issues, but the money should at least be less obvious.

I had several incidents of feeling that people truly felt I was lesser because of my gender, all after emigrating. One example, was a male doctor at the university who made very crude comments during a pap smear. It was not the first incident, and I felt that it was an impenetrable barrier. I felt very small and insignificant. Another doctor started profusely sweating during a physical; he was obviously unable to control himself. I avoided male doctors from then on, and men in general, as much as possible. Before I felt more understood by men and not women. I feel I have not been able to meet a man who is a genuinely deep person since then. I have seen it happen a lot that when a man doesn’t understand me, or the issues seem too complex to them, they tend to ignore it as a hormonal problem, or behave in a patronizing manner. I feel that people truly believe that men are superior here, and they act that way. I have never regretted being female, but I see other people here seem to regret it.

A number of experiences of people whom I felt close to letting me down in significant ways. I have become confused and depressed, and anticipate more rejection. It has now made me try and avoid getting close to anyone.

I worked for a year after finishing university, and I lived in constant fear of being fired, and felt completely inadequate. That was possibly the beginning of my SAD, as the mood worsened significantly as the days got shorter. I can only say that looking back. At the time I felt extremely anxious all the time, but nothing like I feel now. I cried a lot, likely because I was under constant stress. I developed a cold, which would not end and ended up losing my sense of smell completely for two years. It was only after two surgeries years later that it eventually came back. I had significant sinus problems all my life, beginning in childhood. Perhaps because my father smoked all the time, I don’t know. They gradually became better midway through the school years, whereas I had fewer issues during the summers and problems returned in the winter, and eventually I have sinusitis every time a cold does not resolve very quickly. Most of the time I have some issues with the sense of smell, and occasionally it these clear up and I become aware of how little I smell on a regular basis.

My first pregnancy caused a depression that coincided with the seasons changing. The combination was quite profound. I had experienced depression and anxiety as a result of birth control before. This time I was in a very deep depression that lasted for most of the pregnancy, but did ease off as spring ended and summer came, and the pregnancy ended. My mood was permanently altered first by birth control, and then more profoundly by the combination of pregnancy and seasonal effects. The depression during pregnancy was so profound that I was completely unable to do even mundane chores. This was the first time that little things like that were way too much. I accepted low moods before as stress, because I was still able to function, go to work, etc. This time I was lying on the couch not able to even think about doing dishes. I had about 50 house plants at that time, which I loved dearly. I could almost hear them talk. I could see them grow, it was a great connection. All my house plants died during this time as I was absolutely not able to water them. I now no longer want plants at all – I feel like their needs suck the life out of me, and I feel guilt at neglecting them. I can now only have a few plants that can survive for many weeks without water, but I still cannot throw out a plant or part of it. I like nature and flowers, but I cannot handle neediness or clinginess. I also had a cat, and at the time it was a source of comfort to me, but currently, the cat and all animals are a source of irritation. I feel that I have no energy or reserves for anyone, and definitely not cats.
When pregnancy ended, my mood was instantly elevated, but I had post partum anxiety. I was constantly worried about the baby, and worried about meeting every need immediately. My attention to her needs was very obsessive. I did not think I was worried, it seemed natural. The baby was very precocious and wanted attention, she was reaching milestones very quickly and needed a lot of attention, but my reactions were extreme.

When my first child was 5 months old, I had more disappointing relations with my family. My mother refused to even hold my daughter. In addition, she unleashed on me the same abusive insults that I had heard all the time while growing up. The only difference was that to that point, I had not physically lived with them for 10 years, and yet they were staying the same things. I found the rejection of my child devastating. That was also the first moment that I understood that it was not likely possible to reconcile. Later that year, I travelled to my home country where I share an apartment with my family. I am considered a part owner. I asked my parents for permission to temporarily register my child (such permission is necessary from each part owner). Not only did they refuse, but they initiated the process to sue me to remove my ownership. The importance of the apartment for me is not in the real estate, but in my access to my home country. It would otherwise be very difficult to find a place to stay, and it embodies the last ties I have to my way of life. So the rejection of my family was completely devastating on many levels, especially since they were so oblivious as to how much this meant to me. I felt totally betrayed by my family. The relationship had never been great, but I had firmly believed they would be there for me if the need came, and this felt like they threw me out.

Some time later, I was finally able to secure what I thought would be the best job of my life. It was promised to be in my field, with a reputable employer, and generally considered a prestigious accomplishment. Everyone I knew was jealous of my position. It turned out to be intensely disappointing on pretty much every front. It was completely stifling of any kind of thought or action, and completely not what it was represented to be. At first I thought it would get better, and then I thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough. Then I became very depressed. And now I feel stuck holding onto that job because of the benefits provided for my disabled daughter.

Traumatic birth of second child followed. In the midst of the job disappointment, I was very much looking forward to the birth of my second daughter. Unfortunately, there was a tragic accident during which both of us nearly died, and my daughter ended up with severe disabilities. She is unable to hold up her head or sit on her own, she is fed by tube, and requires total care – someone to do everything for her. She cannot communicate, or have any significant intentional movement. Life completely turned upside down, and has never returned to normal. The effects of have been overwhelming. I was in shock for a long time – could not smell or taste any food, could not believe the sun was shining for many months. For three years I thought maybe the nightmare would end, and things would go back to normal. I clearly remember myself dissociating. I could watch myself trying to watch a movie while my child was left in the hospital. I felt my heart ripping in my chest for many months. I was surprised that I wasn’t dying from the grief. It was incredibly intense, and still is. I still feel like I live in a nightmare, unable to accept what happened. It’s not just the disability, but everything that has transpired because of it. We live in a parallel reality, trying to run a one bed hospital, while smashing against inhumane systems that claim they are there to help. We are struggling also with society’s inability to deal with severely disabled children, and the unrealistic expectations. Isolation is profound, and I have lost friends who were unable to relate. My and my husbands parents turned even further away from us, unable or unwilling to comprehend. The struggle is ongoing, and there has not even been a real opportunity to grieve, as we spend so much time fighting for care and funding. The impact has been indescribably devastating. Because of the abuse we suffered from the many different nurses, workers, bureaucrats, caregivers, etc, etc, all parts of the system, I can no longer really relate to people. My anger, constant irritation, rejection of my surroundings are largely related to this. Often it is difficult for me to have guests in my house. For a long time I could not have anyone come over, so overwhelmed I was by the constant presence of strangers that came to “help” with my daughter. I have felt utterly violated by these “helpers”. I feel like so many people wiped their dirty feet on my soul. It is very difficult to describe here. This experience really broke me. I used to have endless patience for babies and small children. I could rock them for hours, confident in my ability to soothe and satisfy. Now, having been forced to rip my child out of my heart so I could leave her at the hospital to be looked after by strangers, I find it easier to distance myself from pain and suffering of others – I can even listen to crying and not move a bit to help. It is a terrible change. I have either lost part of my hart and soul, or it is so frozen, or burned, or withered, that I am not myself. I find it easier to close my eyes and ears and not do anything, because there is nothing I can do. I tried it all, and it has not helped. I have become more hopeless, more depressed, and really lost myself. My daughter’s needs are a bottomless chasm and I cannot fill it. I feel total failure as a mother to that child. I have suffered so much unpleasant emotion, that I can now avoid feeling or showing compassion, because it becomes too much for me to feel others’ suffering – I cannot even bear my own. This has been absolutely devastating. For a long time I felt like a tree, completely charred, burned not only to the ground, but completely cindered. I could see, and still can, see myself as that black trunk, all burned. I don’t think I can ever recover from this. She has a shortened life expectancy, but dealing with the system, I feel, has taken at least 10 years off my eventual life span. I don’t think I can fully describe what this has and continues to mean to me.
I had my third daughter, who is now 4, because I felt that if I “finish” with this devastating experience, it would be the end of me. I needed a source of positivity. When she was born, I felt like the burned down tree with one green leaf on it. It took me a very long time, a year, however, to bond with this child. I was so devastated by the previous loss, that I could not believe there could be life again. It was only after a year that I believed that this other child was different, and had a future. It was around the time that she was born, that I felt a complete and total burnout from dealing with the system of homecare that was “helping” me with my disabled daughter, and I gave up in a sense on trying to change anything for her. I feel that I failed to be a mother to her and the guilt of that is unbearable. Yes, her needs are extraordinary, and too much for a whole group of caregivers, but motherhood has been and remains so important to me, that my inability to be the nurse, therapist, caregiver, chauffeur, case manager, masseuse, payer of bills, supervisor, etc, etc, etc everything that I am expected to be just because there was that horrible accident at her birth, and not simply a mother to my child is unbearable. I find it very difficult to spend time with her, and it pains me to even admit it. It is excruciatingly difficult for me to leave her with strangers that do not take very good care of her, and at the same time, the care that she truly needs is too much for me. The split I experience is immense and heavily weighs on me all the time.
And I also have a fourth child, a boy. When I learned that it was a boy, and not another girl, I became very upset. I was surprised, as I did not think it was possible to have a boy after so many girls, and I did not want a boy at all. I felt very strange to be carrying a male inside me, and was very obsessed with having to purchase the entire wardrobe for a different gender. I felt great about my girls wearing each other’s clothes, it was great to watch the younger ones wear items that I remembered. And I also sewed a lot of clothes for them myself, including pretty dresses. I was very upset that nobody would wear those dresses again. I hate the colours of boy clothes in stores, and sewing boy clothes is a lot of work for not much gain in looks, so I did not feel up to creating the wardrobe myself. I felt really obsessed about the need for all new clothes. I also felt very uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding a boy. It may have something to do with my aversion of men that had developed over a long time due to various incidents I described, I don’t know. It took me two months before I realized that “the boy” was just a baby, and not at all different from any other baby I had, breastfeeding and all. I no longer feel any displeasure at his gender. I love him too much to care, which is how it should be, but the emotions were definitely intense.
These are probably all the things that I can think of that really affected me deeply. There have been multiple events over the last year and especially the last 4-5 months that I feel underscore that I am just so exhausted and worn out in my entirety that I am not able to cope. There continues to be great difficulty in finding enough money to care for my disabled daughter, and we have again been denied for the next year, and again had to undergo a long period of intense advocacy. I became sick after learning that we were denied. Since January of this year, my teeth have been bothering me greatly, especially one of the wisdom teeth, which gave me terrible migraines for many weeks, multiple infections, and had to be extracted recently. Several other teeth had inflammation of the nerves needing root canals. I have persistent headaches. And I am not getting sick after each bad news. My husband lost his job recently, and I responded by being ill for a week. Our car insurance was cancelled because of an old accident – I was ill for a week. I feel like I am crumbling to pieces and have no reserves left to withstand even the slightest knock.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
6. Which time of the day you are worst?
Morning is the absolute worst – I cannot do anything, even get out of bed, most of the time. Very rarely I feel reasonably well to get out of bed without dreading the day. I feel better after I start moving, and get distracted by demands of the family. I often feel better in the afternoon, and often even better in the evening. I often stay up very late, with lots of ideas in my mind about what I want to do or needs to be done. I delay going to bed, partly because in the late evening, I get quiet time without kids, so I can focus on something, and I’m sure it is partly to avoid the next morning, and difficulty getting out of bed. I often feel like there are multiple lives. In the morning, I cannot comprehend that time will pass and things will change and evening will come, and it is the same in the evening. It is hard to describe, but there is a disconnection in time for me, all the time. Things are very discreet, distinct. I often feel very cold in the evening, and early night, and warm up progressively towards morning. I often remove a heavy blanket at night, because I am too hot, and leave only a light one, whereas in the evening I sometimes cannot get warm under two blankets. In the morning I can even feel very hot, which changes very quickly if I move or get up. I then realize that I am actually tired, and cold, and need to get covered again.

7. What are the things that aggravate your suffering and those that ameliorate the same? Example: time, temperature, pressure, rubbing, washing, eating, tight clothing etc.
I hate being hot, and can even have nightmares if overheated. During the day, if it is very hot, I can feel extremely irritated and unable to control it. Hot and humid is the worst. I often feel that eating can resolve my bad moods, and because I tend to get more and more irritated if I do not eat, I have the opposite problem – if my mood is low, I think that I must be hungry and try to eat to lift the mood. Obviously, that results in overeating, especially in the evening. Sometimes I cannot stop eating, and eat because I like the sensation and taste. During the day I am very different, and can be completely indifferent to dessert, for example, but in the evening, I need to eat, and then have tea with dessert.
I am very sensitive to things being out of place – clutter, mess can provoke my anger and irritability. When I am very relaxed and in a good mood, I really do not notice mess and clutter, but otherwise, it is as if it is pulsating before my eyes. I am not a neat freak, but my senses are so heightened, that I find my anxiety grows when things are in disarray, or there are many different colours around, or things are not straight. In fact, I can easily tell, just by looking, that something is or is not perfectly horizontal or vertical. My husband doesn’t even need a level, when he is building something, because I can see it. I sound like such a nit-picky person, but I am not pedantic, or obsessed with detail. It is a matter of high sensitivity. Repeating sounds highly annoy me, blinking lights, very strong smells can give me a headache. Cold winds always give a headache, unless my head and ears are covered. I dislike clothing that is too tight or restrictive, like cotton blouses. I can no longer wear them. I don’t like flowing clothes, either, they get in the way. I prefer form fitting, but not restrictive.

8. Do you think your sufferings have relation to any external stimuli (like, change of place) or any internal biological changes in the body, like, menses (in females)?

Changes in weather, place. I feel better with sunlight, but feel worse again when the heat of the summer becomes stagnant. I do often feel better outside, or in a place that is not cluttered, even if it is cluttered, but not my own clutter, like someone else’s house. Then I find the clutter cozy and homey, and it is a feeling that I crave from childhood. I just cannot find it in my own house. My own house never feels cozy, just cluttered. It is probably a description of what is inside my head and heart, rather than the place itself, but that is how it presents. I can feel and think better not in my own house. Outside is often great, or some place uncluttered like a museum. I can feel calm, collected, not anxious at someone else’s house, or another place. Can make decisions and come up with ideas. I often even think that I will accomplish something when I get home, it seems easy. But the anxiety rises at home, and I cannot focus.

9. When do you feel better, during hot weather or cold weather, humid or dry weather?
I often follow the weather. Dark and gloomy days make me feel gloomy and depressed. Damp cold weather gets to my bones. Dirty and slushy makes me feel disgusted. Sunshine brings a smile to my face and makes me feel lighter and more capable. Hot and muggy summer days feel oppressive and suffocating.
I do like every season for different reasons, but my feelings change. Early spring is depressing and scraggly. It is like an ugly, scrawny, dirty teenager that definitely has hope, but is unbearable to look at and I wish it were over quickly. Spring, once it is actually coming, is full of sun and hope. Early summer I like for the warmth and possibilities, but I dread the heat. Mid-Late summer I find stuffy and oppressive because of the humidity and everything is in a poignant pause. There is not much to do, but harvest is not yet ready, so it is a waiting time. Late summer and early fall are busy with wrapping up and gathering. I like rain and falling leaves, but dislike the dirt and mess and cold. Snow brings in a settling effect. I often get depressed when the light changes, but it does not get really pronounced until the chill of January, when the days are markedly longer, but the temperature keeps falling. I tend to come out of this mood towards April, when the ground has dried up. In the winter, I dislike wearing so many layers and staying indoors because the roads are not cleared and most people also stay inside. When I was growing up, winter did not affect our activities. Everyone still went outside every day, playgrounds were cleared and used, and it did not have such a cocooning effect.

I hate being hot. Humidity is aweful. I get easily irritated and lose any semblance of civility. Cold is better. Cold and wet I feel a great deal. I really hate it when temperature fluctuates widely during the day. I prefer moderately warm weather, but do enjoy snowy days as well.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
10. Describe your general mental set up? Are you Moody, Arrogant, Mild, Agreeable Changeable, Nervous, Suspicious, Easily offended, Quiet, Arguing, Irritating, Lazy etc.

I am definitely moody, slip easily into depressed moods. I find it difficult to come out of them, to do anything to distract myself, and when I do, it almost never works. The distraction needs to be really significant.
Arrogant – yes, I can be a snob, never very openly, as I do not express opinions easily. I need to feel confident that the person I am talking to is actually interested in what I have to say, otherwise I do not feel comfortable expressing my opinions. It is rare that I am able to simply talk and not wonder whether I should really say things.
Mild and Agreeable – basically never, I am very strong willed and often contradictory. I do not often express it comfortably, but always feel it. In fact, for quite a long time I feel really frustrated with everything, contradictory about everything and everyone, and most things really annoy me, even stuff that is of no consequence. I often feel angry and argumentative with store clerks, especially if I witness slow thinking or inability to properly assess a situation. I often think I feel fine, only to notice that I am actually easily irritated by most things.
Nervous – yes, I worry a lot. Always imagine the baby falling down stairs, for example, or if my spouse or kids are late getting home, I am very quick to imagine accidents and misfortunes. I am easily startled, and feel that I have no stamina to withstand bad news or unpleasant events any longer, or any kind of conflict.
I am suspicious. I often doubt people’s truthfulness, sincerity, honesty, dependability. I have been let down so many times by institutions, people, systems, people representing systems and institution and people that have been very close friends for a long time, that my capacity to trust has been eroded. I no longer believe that anyone can be there for me. Some problems are too difficult to resolve, that is true, and just so few people are really dependable. It is very sad.
Easily offended – definitely. I have a strong sense of pride and am very sensitive to humiliation. This is provoked by being treated unfairly, or disrespected, dismissed, ignored. It is not that I believe that I am such a centre of the universe, really the opposite – I feel that it is my flaws that allow people to treat me in such a way, and it evokes feelings of deep inadequacy. Must really stem from childhood, as it is very deep rooted. I must also have an idealized view of how people should behave (honest, dependable, considerate, etc), and it hurts me deeply when people behave poorly. I am always conscious of others’ feelings, maybe too conscious. Feeling humiliated makes me shut down, become angry at the person for treating me thus. Once angry, cannot even look at the person or spend time with them. Eventually, I berate myself for walking into the situation, or imagining that I should be treated differently. Leads to depression.
I am angry. It is provoked by everything – disagreement, unmet expectations, lack of consideration, interruption of something I am concentrating on or even my “alone” time, being awakened at night, witnessing stupidity. Makes me irritable, picky, quarrelsome, lash out. I have a desire to punish, seek revenge, withhold contact. I rarely actually plan or exert revenge, it seems too lowly a behavior, and I cannot purposely be cruel, but in the heat of the moment I either lash out if I feel comfortable with the person. In situations of unequal setting or inability to regain any kind of power, I try to avoid the person, anger turns to depression, difficult to even look at them, hold on to resentment. Expressing the anger brings relief and release of ill feelings, I do not hold the grudge if it is able to be expressed, but if not expressed, I build up resentment, hold onto grudges, overreact the next time. The anger builds up.
I have feelings of inadequacy – I have a subconscious need to satisfy people, to have people be happy with me, to like me. I have a huge difficulty saying no to people I am friends with, for fear that they will not be friends with me any more. It is subtle and subconscious, it has taken me a long time to realize that. I don’t have many friends, because I seek deep relationships, and my situation because of my disabled daughter has become very different from typical, so it is even more isolating. I do not feel sufficient reserve to stand my ground and have people be upset with me. It does not mean that I am passive or yielding, only anxious about failing to meet the needs. I like to satisfy demands, and when I cannot do so, feel anxious and can even explode in anger (at home, not in public). When too many kids ask for too many things at once, I can get really frustrated like this.
I am intelligent, inquisitive, talented, good stamina, ambitious. I can be a snob; unable to accept disagreeable situations. I have changing interests – too good at too many things, easily bored; often push myself to the limit, exhaustion trying to accomplish things; not satisfied with accomplishments, unable to quit
I can be good at many many things, and easily pick up most subjects, but nothing that requires precise attention to detail. For example, I detest drafting, where lines must be the exact width, or letters at exact angles to each other. I am very attentive and can be careful, but have no patience for fiddly things right now. I often avoid starting anything at all, because I know that I do not have time to finish it. When a project requires attention, I feel anxious about lack of progress. I feel that my time is limited and I cannot waste it on unimportant details or matters.
I usually need an example as a starting point. I get bored with most things after a while and need to move on. When I find something I like, I tend to exhaust the subject, throwing full energy at it, and then my interest wanes and I need to find something else. Sometimes I avoid finishing a project because I am afraid to not find anything else to occupy myself once it is over.
I can start too many projects because I always have many ideas of what is possible, but can also lose interest for a while and not do anything at all. I am not able to do a little at a time and make steady progress. I like to see results quickly.
I am proud, self-concious, mistrustful, resentful, insecure.

- How do you feel before or during a thunderstorm?
I can have a headache before a thunderstorm. During it I love to watch the rain, the more rain the better. I love winter storms, as well. As long as I am not getting too wet or too cold, of course.

- Do you like being consoled during your tough times?
Yes, I do, but the consolation cannot be empty, patronizing or placating. It needs to be genuine and not embarrassing or humiliating, so it is hard find the “right” kind.

- Are you sensitive to external stimuli like smell, noise, light etc?
Very much. Sometimes I have headaches before a storm, but not always. Excessive noise, flashing lights, repetitive sounds (ticking clocks, snoring, loud breathing for example) are irritating, especially when I am trying to sleep.

In general, I am often greatly affected by the emotions and energy of other people around me. When I am with an anxious person, I not only perceive their anxiety, I become anxious myself. When a person is loud or rude, I can start imitating that. When a person is calm and kind, my own anxiety lessens and I am able to focus better, but such people are rare. When I listen to talk radio, the rapid usually mindless banter, my anxiety becomes palpable. Sports commentary gives me a headache and I feel aggressive. I am very conscious of the general tendencies of approval or disapproval of the society around me. It does not mean that I will change what I actually do, but I may feel strong opposition and it bothers me.


- Do you have any typical habit or gesture like nail biting, causeless
Weeping, talking to one self etc?

I pick at my nails, pushing cuticles back, very often. Doodle when I talk on the phone, and can walk around the room as well. Sometimes I wring hands when I am talking and am really concentrating on describing or remembering something.

- How do you feel about your friends, family, your children and especially your husband / wife?
I seek deep relationships, and want to feel deeply connected to friends. My loyalties are forever, if all goes well. I will give my last shirt to my best friend. I don’t have many of such friends, since this is so rare, but I wish I had more. I find it difficult to have shallow relationships. I find it difficult to say no to people I have a relationship with for fear of them ending that relationship, especially if I depend of what they provide for me. It does not mean that I am placid, but that I end up suppressing myself and steaming from suppressed anger or disappointment, and constant irritation. I often worry that people won’t spend time with me if I don’t agree, or don’t go along with their requests. I worry about rejection and refusal, so much that I often avoid contact altogether. I wish I had a more solid sense of self and not seek acceptance in other people.
Family is a topic of many sorrows for me. I always craved a large family with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc, and never had it. My husband’s family did not wish to take me in, either, and they don’t even keep in touch with their own relations. My mother always kept me at a distance, with constant disapproval. My father and his mother died when I was very young. My mother was a cold, not sentimental person, not affectionate. Told me that I only needed food and shelter and the rest was superficial sentimentalities. I still crave her acceptance.
I love my children very much, and want to provide the very best, to nurture the people that they are. The accident that left my second daughter disabled has affected me very deeply, really broke me as a person, as a mother. It affected my relationship with my oldest daughter as well, and gave me a number of poor habits (more tolerance for suffering of others, for example). I used to admire my oldest, she was a delightful child. After the accident, I was overwhelmed and in shock for a very long time. I think I did not give enough attention to my oldest during that time (multiple years), and she was deeply affected by that. Her character changed from inventive, delightful and creative to moody, clingy, whiny, self loathing. So much that now I find it difficult to have even patience for her outbursts. I find it difficult to be affectionate with her. Perhaps it is her age, as well. I am still affectionate with my younger daughter.
My relationship with my disabled daughter is non-existent. I crave feedback and she does not provide any significant amount, so I feel like my efforts are futile, and it is so devastating for me that I have stopped making any effort. In a sense, I entirely failed at being a mother to this child. It pains me deeply to even look at her, and I avoid it at all costs. Really failed my mothering role. It is a source of deep sorrow to me.
I have a good relationship with my 4 year old daughter, but do not always remain patient with her. Sometimes she copies behavior from her oldest sister, and I find that highly irritating, and get angry. She can also be obstinate or refuse to answer or show what she knows, and sometimes that highly irritates me as well. It took me a whole year to bond with her, I was in such a shock after the previous accident. I could not believe that this child was healthy and had a future for a year after she was born.
My last child is a boy, and for a long time (pregnancy plus two months) I felt very upset at his gender. I did not want a boy, and it took me a while to realize that he is just a baby, and now I can see that he has an absolutely delightful personality, so I cannot imagine not having him. But I do find it easier to separate from him, and sometimes wish to be alone more now than with any other child, but perhaps I am just tired of having little hands on me for so many years, and it has nothing to do with his gender.
My relationship with my husband is not that good. Everyone is jealous of how good a husband and father he is, but I have many disappointments. Perhaps my expectations are too high, I don’t know. He has a very poor memory, almost like he starts each day from scratch. That means I cannot depend on him to follow through agreements, conversations, arrangements. Sometimes we can agree to do something at his request, and after I do it, he can ask me why I did it, and provide reasons to do completely the opposite, which leaves me totally speechless, angry and extremely frustrated. He has a high tolerance for discomfort, which means he can plan to do something for a very long time, and never actually do it. I feel that he only does things when I am upset at lack of action or progress, never of his own initiative. I have many built up resentments for all these reasons. He breaks promises, and is seemingly unaffected by that. I would be totally ashamed to do something like that. He is afraid of conflict, which causes him to immediately accept whatever demand is placed upon him by other pepole (not me), even if it means significant hardship to us as a family. Just a simple example – if he is asking for an appointment at a doctor’s office, and the time is in the middle of, say 5 other activities, instead of asking them for a different time, he will construct elaborately preposterous plans as to how to accomplish that, inconveniencing all of us, but not even think of moving that appointment to suit us better. I often feel betrayed and exposed because of his actions. He causes me to watch my back. I no longer feel much respect or desire for him. I feel that he lets me down and it does not bother him. He is not very ambitious, and for us to accomplish something, I must come up with the idea, and organize everyone most of the time. He is good at following orders, and I am inventive and strong willed, but I too need someone to organize and inspire me, at least sometimes. I often feel unable to relax, because then nothing happens at all. If I don’t do it, it does not get done. He often seems absent, mentally and emotionally, inattentive and acting as if on autopilot, answering inappropriately, or being emotionally cold to the children and unavailable to me, from which I have feelings of resentment and frustration. I am often irritated when he is home, usually because he does not do much (he is capable, but his attention is elsewhere), but at the same time I feel anxious when he leaves. His presence provides a source of comfort for me, even though I am often irritated. If ever he is late, I worry that something happened to him, and feel very lonely if he needs to be away for work, for example. I often feel irritated when he starts helping other people. I must feel jealous of his attention to others, I don’t know. I can often support his going to do something, as an idea, but when it actually happens, I can feel threatened and self conscious. I don’t know why, just noticing the behavior. It irritates me when he goes to help other people, even though I genuinely support the idea, but the execution of it elicits different reactions in me. I often feel that he deserves to go and do something enjoyable for himself, for example, but if ever he actually wants to do that, I resent having to do everything alone, while he is gone. I am not able to adequately explain, as this is so subconscious for me.

If I do not want anything to change, things are generally very good between us, we are good friends, able to discuss a great many things, and have many similar values, so it all greatly depends on my desires and expectations.

-How do you respond to music? Do you feel better or worse mentally listening to music?
It depends on the music. I feel better after music I like, and much worse after music that I did not like. I used to hate classical music, and now I like most of it, but some of it leaves me very unsettled, or even sad. I can feel my mood lift after music I like, especially if it is upbeat. I like dance music, but nothing like pop or rock or “easy listening”, these types just irritate me and cause depressive moods. Anxiety filled sounds (sports commentary, for example), really cause anxiety for me.

- What upsets you most in yourself and in others?
Failure, cutting corners, passivity, lack of ambition, stupidity, rigid following of the rules without thinking, sloppiness, coldness, emotional distance, inability to see deeply into an issue, breaking promises, having to repeat said or done things, misunderstanding or being misunderstood, vagueness in answer, commitment or action
 
Dora14 7 years ago
11. What are your fears and do you dream of any situation repeatedly?

Leeches, war, torture, pain, any mindless greater power that is not possible to reason with, unknown situations, very large open spaces, open ended projects, days without anything to do, purposeless life, inadequacy, inability to satisfy, c*ancer or other incurable disease, things without end and hope, probably afraid of dying. Disfigurement, disability, unnatural, artificial interference with life processes causes extreme discomfort for me - things like colostomy bags, feeding tubes, etc., bodily fluids like phlegm. I am not afraid of blood. It is the interference with what is “natural” that I find difficult.
I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of strangers coming to my house, not just any strangers, but because I have had to put up with so many unwanted people in my home because of my disabled daughter, most of whom were abusive of me while they were in my home, I am extremely apprehensive about letting people into my house, of being taken advantage of, of people making requests of me that I feel I cannot refuse. I often avoid contact altogether, even with people that are not strangers necessarily, but I am afraid that they will also manipulate me, or make demands I will have to comply with. I often avoid even looking at people for these same reasons, or picking up the phone. I fear being let down.

Repeating dreams include:
Not being able to run or run fast enough, and someone is chasing me
Not being able to press the gas pedal, or gas pedal not working, and I need to get away from another car
Looking for a private toilet, or an available toilet – I look in a number of places, but all toilets are occupied, or are not really toilets, or are in very open or public places, and I need to use one but cannot find one
Accidents – car with child in back seat being hit in the back by another car, car running over child, child falling down stairs, running out in open traffic
Lately these similar situations about myself, often involving cars
When I overheat, I typically have nightmares about war, Nazis, being captured
I have repeating dreams involving sliding and water, for example, I come to a pool and watch water and people sliding on a slide, usually of a different shape than a typical pool slide, and I know that I will go there next, or soon. Or, sometimes I walk along a road and there is water or river flowing in the opposite direction and I know that I am going to enter that river and flow with the waves soon. Sometimes the sliding involves snow and skis, it is usually down or up a mountain or hill, and I watch people do it, and know that I am next, or sometimes I am actually doing it.

12. What do you crave in food items and what are your aversions?
Different things at different times, but I always like berries, nuts, especially chocolate with nuts. I rarely have cravings during the day, but in the evening I often want a snack and dessert. I can be quite dispassionate about dessert during the day, but when I finally get to sit quietly in the evening, I often find the need to have something almost irresistible. Often it is something savoury and then tea with dessert. Occasionally, I don't want dessert, but that is rare. Chocolate with nuts or pastry. I prefer savoury tastes and really dislike sour foods.

My aversions largely have to do with texture. I hate mushy, slimy substances, like oatmeal, even mashed potatoes, most hot sereals. Extremely sweet and artificial things like icing. Mixed casseroles (like chicken pot pie). Processed cheese (like cheezewhiz). Coffee. Anchovies. Pea soup. Grape juice. Wine, especially red. Omelettes – hate taste and texture (I like everything that goes into an omelette separately). I hate Mexican cuisine – something about the combination of beans and tomato sauce. I do not dislike the taste of beans per se, but the idea of them. I dislike sour foods, and most tomato sauces are sour. I like fresh and marinated tomatoes. I cannot eat any variation on chocolate – chocolate cake, chocolate icing, filling, chocolate ice cream etc. I do really like the dark chocolates, perhaps it has something to do with concentration, as there is very little actual chocolate in all the variations. I dislike sour pickles. Vegetables (for example cabbage, eggplant) sometimes cause gas, but I do not have an aversion to them.
If I cannot eat for an extended period of time, I become more and more irritable, the external stimuli become more and more intolerable – sounds get louder and more irritating, the mess gets more and more on my nerves, interruptions, having multiple demands at once become overwhelming, and in the end I explode in anger. I can get headaches, dizziness, inability to focus or think about anything. In fact, often when I feel poorly or in a bad mood, I eat because that I think that it will resolves the irritability. It does mean that I overeat, because this does not always work. I am not able to fall asleep when I am hungry.
When I was a child, I would often want bread with butter and salt. I was very picky about most foods and hated cheese, so this was my staple.


13. How is your thirst: Less, Normal or Excessive?
Most of the time, I need to drink a lot of water, and it passes through very quickly. I easily feel thirsty, and overheat when I am thirsty. My first solution for a headache is to drink several glasses of water and it often helps.

14. How is your hunger: Less, Normal or Excessive?
I think hunger is normal, but I often overeat, so maybe it is more than normal. Sometimes I feel hungry even though I ate recently, especially if I am tired. During the day I can overeat thinking that it will lift my mood. I feel progressively more and more irritated when I am hungry, so when my mood is poor, I often think that I must be hungry and try to resolve that. In the evening I often want to eat when I relax. Possibly because I stay up too late just to get some quiet time, I need more food for energy. And I always want to have tea with dessert after. Sometimes I eat even after I am already full. It is difficult to leave food on the plate, and I also like the sensation, the taste, good food provides, so I keep eating.

15. Is there any kind of food which your body can’t stand?
I have a mild intolerance of sesame oil – I get mild nausea. I used to think that it was peanut butter, which also contains sesame oil, but there is a different food, covered in sesame oil that gives me the same sensation, and does not contain peanuts at all, so it must be the oil.
Some vegetables cause gas, but nothing major.

16. Is your sweat normal or less or more? Where does it sweat more: Head, Trunk or Limbs?
Sweat is less, I think. Usually, the armpits. My face becomes red very easily when I run or exercise, but I do not necessarily sweat much. I have a poor tolerance for heat, and become very irritable very easily.

17. How is your bowel movement and stool type?
Typically 1-2 a day, with nothing unusual in the stool type. I have become more constipated in the last multiple months, meaning that I need to go once or twice 10-15 minutes in between. It is as if not all can come out at once, but no real constipation. I was very constipated after several doses of calc carb, but it is much better now. I often have very loose stools during period and possibly ovulation.

18. How well do you sleep? Do you have a particular posture of sleeping?
I sleep on either side, and often I have a preference for which side, but the side changes. I turn to the other side after I wake up at night. Lately I find myself turning more to sleep on the stomach. I used to always sleep on my stomach, before and after the first pregnancy. But I cannot do that anymore – the muscles in my shoulders, back and neck are too stiff, so when I sleep on my stomach, I get pains in my upper back and shoulders from muscles that are already too tight. I would probably prefer to sleep on my stomach, otherwise. I feel uncomfortable sleeping on my back – I can start there, but must turn. It feels too exposed and unprotected. I find it difficult to ignore sounds and lights when trying to sleep. I absolutely cannot ignore a ticking clock, or a blinking light. I intensely dislike being touched when sleeping, and will likely not sleep when someone is touching me. When a child wants to come to bed with me, because they are afraid, it means that I will not get any sleep for the rest of the night. I hate being awakened at night, I have learned to get up for a short time and fall asleep again, but if I am really awake, I will not sleep for at least two hours. I can be in a really foul mood at night, and problems can seem much worse. Occasionally I wake up by myself between 3 and 4 am, and try not to think of anything, as it all presents in the most negative light. I handle lack of sleep very poorly. I wake up unrefreshed, and in 99% of the times it is extremely difficult for me to get out of bed. Physically I feel tired and stiff, and I do not remember getting a full night's sleep – there is always someone waking me up in the last several years, but mentally, I just cannot get out of bed. In the morning I feel awful – irritable, depressed, sometimes even not able to move at all. I am filled with dread of not being able to find anything meaningful to do that day. Sometimes I feel waves of heat pass over me (anxiety), often in the summer, but it can happen other times as well. I hate getting up suddenly and having to get ready. When I go to work, I often feel very rushed in the morning, and do not feel awake until at least 11am. I resent having to conform to a tight schedule in order to be on time. My ideal morning is leisurly, where I have time to get ready properly and without interruption, with time for tea and a book. I am absolutely not able to get up earlier in order to have that extra time to not be rushed. Sleep is precious. I have been home for the last little while looking after a baby, so I don't have that tight of a schedule, but I still do not get the mornings I crave.

19. Do you think you are able to satisfy your sexual desires in general?
not really, not with intercourse, and the desire is very low
 
Dora14 7 years ago
20. Do you have any strange, peculiar or unusual symptom or feelings? How are you different from others?
Sometimes I get premonitions – I can sense how something will unfold or happen. Sometimes I have a feeling that I should not do something or go somewhere. I don’t know why, just that I shouldn’t, and it ends up being correct. Typically, it turns out that the event is cancelled, or place closed, or something prevents it from happening. Sometimes when I try to accomplish something, it keeps not working out and I get the sense that I should stop the attempts. It usually turns out that what I was trying to do is no longer necessary for whatever reason.
Occasionally, I have dreams about future events. For example, I dreamt that a friend forcefully pushed me away just before that friend broke up with me in reality.
Sometimes I have an impulse to purchase something at a store, that logically or rationally, I have no reason to get, but it then turns out later that day or a few days later that I need that item for something.

Swimming upstream – I feel that most of my life I am repeatedly presented with situations in which I must swim upstream. I must make the choice different from mainstream society, exert significant effort to keep on going. These often resulted in isolation because of their uniqueness. These choices are not trifles, like going around with green hair or getting weird tattoos, but things where no other option really existed for me, morally or otherwise. It started after emigrating when I had to work extra hard just to fit in, then to get a scholarship to go to university as I had no other choice to survive, having multiple jobs in university just to pay bills and being ridiculed for not being able to spend a penny, trying to keep my language and culture, teaching these to my children, trying to look after a disabled child at home – an option that society does not understand or support, despite lavish lipservice. Often in simpler situations that needed a “third” choice – seeking solutions that did not readily exist.

Sitting on two chairs at once – I was told by my mother when I was a small child, that I cannot sit on two chairs at once, and it took me forever to undetrstand what that meant. In time, I came to realize that I am forever ending up in situations that can be described as such. It means trying to have the best of both worlds, and in reality getting none or none well. At the time, it was being pulled between mother and father, and my mother wanted me to choose, not that the choice was mine. Later I am pulled between two countries, past and present, between two cultures even in my own household, between two different churches (mine and husband’s), raising typical and disabled children at the same time – these are like different universes from all aspects. This is different from the swimming upstream situations, as it is not really against the society, but of a personal, existential split.

Cannot handle waste – I have aversion to waste in many different areas. It mainly manifests in wanting to exhaust the subject, or to be sure to get all that I can from of a subsidy, for example. I need to use up all there is before moving on. That theme comes up for me in many areas, some seemingly unrelated. A different meaning of “waste” for me is in effort and energy. Waste of gas just to go to the store, I feel the need to amount several errands in order to get out for the outing to have meaning or value. It is a hassle to get children dressed, so, again, the errand must be significant or multiple, otherwise the effort is “wasted”. Similarly, for cooking – it is the same amount of effort to cook one portion or five, for example, so I dislike “wasting” energy and effort to make only one portion. Things are much easier in my home country because of distance, so I think nothing of running to the store for this or that, and I also feel different when not depressed.
I always look for “usefulness” and “meaning” in everything. It is difficult to justify spending time on relaxing activities, when things are in disarray, or chores not done. I am not a neat freak, or obsessed with order, but useful versus superfluous is an ever present theme for me.


Inability to quit – I find it difficult to let go of situations, even when they are not working out for me. It takes me forever to even realize that something is better set aside, I keep trying, persisting, persevering, as I feel that I have not worked hard enough, long enough, tried my best. What if it gets better, it really must get better. It relates to difficulty accepting things, as well. And also guilt – if I quit too soon, I am to blame for the matter not working out. I need to hit not one obstacle, but many walls that are insurmountable, before I can allow myself to let the situation go, and really, there have been very few things that I was not able to handle. I typically have a lot of stamina, am very creative, and can do a lot of things very well, so if I really try, a lot of things happen. I just cannot let myself stop trying. It do not thing that it is about perfection, more about acceptance and allowing myself to try less than I should. Likely comes from the never ending struggle for affection and acceptance lacking in childhood.

Possibly also related to inability to let things be “good enough” - when I make a decision or choose something, I need to look at the great majority all possible options so I can be sure to choose the best one or one that most closely matches what I need. It doesn’t actually have to be the entire assortment, but I need to feel that I have uncovered all options, and did not miss any. It is usually when I start seeing repeating presentations that I get the feeling that there is not much else, and I can choose the most fitting one. I most often have an idea of what I am looking for, and if I cannot easily find it, I keep searching, often feeling anguish when I need something that spans two or three existing options. It is extremely rare, however, that I am not able to find it, but that makes it difficult to accept what seems an inferior option.
I feel I am very different from others. I have a very strong sense of honour and shame, I am a noble person. I am very inclined to be generous and can give very much, but am afraid of rejection, so it is difficult for me to simply offer it. Many difficulties within family, many unfortunate events in my life. I have different values from most people around me – very much less consumer and popular minded than most. I crave deep relationships, unlike most other people. A very strong will to survive and persevere. I am very talented at many things, but feel easily bored. I put all of myself into an activity and must change to something else once the subject is exhausted to keep the mind from stagnating. I cannot put in a little of bit of effort day by day. I have an excellent memory, and am extremely frustrated with anyone who does not have at least good memory. I remember not only where things are, but who said what and when, and how much things were, and can recall even more stuff than I actively remember. That is, once I see or hear or read something, I will instantly know that I have seen/read/heard it before, even if I was not able to name it before I saw/heard/whateve it again. That adds to my boredom with repeating surroundings or music or whatever – I remember that it is not new. I used to have an even better memory, actually I myself feel that my memory has become very poor. I used to be able to remember birthdays, middle names, phone numbers, place names after only one mention, and never needed to write anything down. Now, I often fumble with dates, names, etc. Must be too much stress.

21. What medications have been taken earlier by you to treat the diseases and do you have any particular symptom surfacing after the medication?
Ignatia 30, 200, 1M – multiple doses of each at different times - felt “together” for one afternoon, not stuck in the past. At a later point was able to look people in the eye for a while. A few times I felt even lively and very confident, able to say no even to people whose whims I was subject to. The effects have not lasted longer than 2 days, but it was very pleasant.
Gelsemium 30, 200, 1M – felt like old traumas shifted and then piled into a mound, but did not resolve. Gels 200 helped anxiety lift a few times (dentist, stressful event)
Curare 30 – no effect
Mag Carb 30 – seemingly no effect, but weeks later I noticed that cramps during ovulations were gone (returned since) and that I felt less obsessive about turning lights out and losing money that way. This has since reverted
Sepia 12 and 30 – felt endless patience for two hours, and then terrible heat flashes for multiple months, ovarian cramps, sore breasts, bloating, gas, sawing pains in stomach, low back pain, ovarian pain, shortened cycle (21 days instead of 28), very heavy and long periods, spotting between periods and during ovulation, excessive mucus during ovulation, hormonal headaches before and after periods, mood dropping before and during ovulation, pain in the ovarian region during ovulation, many different problems. This was the worst possible remedy for me. It really affected my hormones, and the effects have been long lasting. I really need to reverse this.
Calc carb 30 to reduce the hot flashes – gave very deep depression and constipation.
Lac humanum 30 and 200 – gave a very good sense of time – I did not feel anxiety about an appointment in the afternoon, for example, and was able to fit in a number of activities before that appointment, able to plan and schedule. Wanted to clean, organize, declutter, shower. Felt genuine enjoyment from playing simple games with children. It would be nice to feel like this all the time. The effect never lasted longer than two days. Perhaps I need higher potencies. But when the effect wore off, or even the same day, I would begin to feel extremely irritable, angry, so much that I could rip someone to pieces. Extreme anger and irritability and I would have an intense desire to swear nastily. This happened multiple times. Lac humanum would also clear my sinuses several times, but this also did not last.
Tried other remedies for other reasons – pulsatilla, merc vivus, causticum,phosphorus, graphites, maybe other ones.

22. What major diseases are running in your family?
Tuberculosis in great grandparents.
Possibly diabetes in grandmother, possibly arthritis. Possibly schitzophrenia in grandfather. There is very poor communication within my family, so I know very little.

23. Describe, how do you look like? Describe your overall appearance.
I am 5’7”, overwheight, broad shoulders, relatively narrow waist, my figure has obvious feminine curves (i.e. not masculine and not straight), dark hair, blue eyes, long lashes, caucasian, well proportioned facial features. I have a nice smile, but I rarely use it – too many sorrows.

24. What major diseases have you had in your life and when. Please write them in a chronological manner.
Was often ill in the first year of childhood, maybe frequent colds. Chicken pox, possibly measles in early childhood. I remember the chicken pox, definitely before age 5.
Sinus problems all my life, enlarged tonsils, adenoids that were removed and grew back, always thick nasal discharge, which gradually got better in the summers (around age 12-14) and then even better, turning into sinusitis after a cold. Breaking my nose made the issue better. Much later (around 19-20) I lost my sense of smell for two years after a gold turned to sinusitis. It improved after two sinus surgeries. Now, my sense of smell improves during ovulation, but is likely reduced most of the time. Occasionally, I notice that I smell more than before, which is how I know that it is often reduced.
Anxiety and not sleeping started after bcp around age 19, depression soon followed.
Anemia in pregnancies, getting progressively worse around 27, 32, 34 and 37
Liver pain since last pregnancy, also heartburn and frequent burping that won’t go away. Lately, irritation of the small intestine after antibiotics.
I don’t know whether these count as a major disease. I have a number of structural pains, described under physical problems.

(For Females)
25. If your menstrual cycles are not normal, please describe all irregularities, like pains, moods, flow type, clots etc. as below:
- Are your periods generally regular, early or delayed? What is the usual cycle duration?
Generally 28 days and regular. However, I have had enormous problems after taking multiple doses of Sepia 12 and 30. I felt intensely hot for multiple hours and days. I could not sleep at night, because my mind would not calm down. I had sharp pains in my stomach, like it was being sawn across. I felt extremely irritable because I was so hot, as I intensely dislike being hot. I had pain in lower back that made me think of early labour. Uterine cramps, pain in the sacrum, intense heat, sharp sawing pains in my stomach, constant appetite. I felt like my period was about to begin all that time, with tenderness in the ovarian region. Bloating, constipation, gas, migraines. My heartburn returned and intensified.

- Describe the sensations and locations of pain before, during and after the flow.
Cramps, tenderness and pain before and during ovulation, in the ovaries
Before sepia I had sharp cramps during ovulation only and Mag Carb removed that
Profuse clear mucus before and during ovulation for multiple days – had a little bit before taking Sepia for 1-2 days
During flow I often feel uterine cramps – was better with mag carb, but returned after sepia
Before the flow and after, for several days, I now feel intense hormonal headaches. Did not have that before sepia. Felt similar pains many years ago, only at the end of flow, when I was taking bcp. No pain killer works for these, these are aweful

- How do you generally deal with your sufferings during periods? Do you have any non-medical way of relieving your suffering?
Try to ignore cramps and things that I can bear. Headaches are not responsive to medication, usually. I used to take ibuprofen for most cramps, but now I turn to homeopathy. Sepia really messed things up for me.

- What is the duration of flow? Is it heavy, medium or light?
Typically 7-8 days, first day is very light, 2-3 days very heavy, the rest light. Usually there is a day of no flow on day 5 or so, and then a couple of days of lighter flow
After Sepia, things have been all over the place. Long periods of 10 days duration, extremely heavy for 5-6 days, medium for the rest. Some periods have been lighter, but with many other problems – cramps, pains, bloating

- Do you observe clots?
Yes, typically large. Even larger after Sepia

- Do you have mid-cycle spotting? What are the days you have spotting?
Before sepia – no spotting, only during the period of heavy periods after herbs that I described elsewhere. After sepia, there is definitely spotting during ovulation, often with brown or pinkish mucus. Some cycles lasted multiple days past the end of actual period with multiple days of spotting.

- Describe changes in your mental condition or any other peculiar symptom that surfaces before, during or after the flow.
I am very irritable during ovulation for 2-3 days. Since sepia, I can even note the mood dropping. A few times since sepia, I felt my mood increase at the same time as I would feel intensely hot. One cycle I felt sudden rise in mood and extreme thirst towards the end of the flow. More thirst during flow in general. I often have increased libido at the end of the flow.

- Do your sufferings increase or decrease as soon as the flow begins?
Do not notice an obvious change, rather there is a change for ovulation, or the end of flow

- Did you ever take birth control pills on a regular basis?
Yes, since 19 y.o., I took it for 5 or 6 years. It gave me terrible migraines at the end of the cycle, depression, anxiety, dryness. I wish I had known what to watch for at the time.

- Have you ever been treated earlier or recently for any gynecological irregularity? Please describe. Several years ago I took some herbal supplements to help with my anxiety. It was designed to balance the hormones, and remembering that my anxiety appeared after bcp, it made sense to try and reverse that. I took something with the typical “female” herbs – black cohosh, saw palmetto and something else. My mood did improve, however, my periods became noticeably heavier, coming closer together, lasting longer, spotting in between periods. I developed severe anemia, and was not able to get pregnant for multiple months. (my three previous pregnancies happened on first try). This became better after 9 months of acupuncture and after my last pregnancy and before the sepia disaster, the periods were very normal.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
Dora14,

Thank you for making it so simple for us to get to know your remedy. You have come here to get rid of your changeable moods, so I guess that's the first thing you want to address.

When did you last take SEPIA? Do you think you are still proving the symptoms of Sepia now, especially the ones related to your periods?

Your remedy is undoubtedly LACHESIS to address your changeable moods. Later, once you get better, we can look into other physical problems if they don't get relieved by this remedy.

I am surprised how come homeopaths have not yet tried Lachesis to address all your mental symptoms. I think yours a classic narrative of a Lachesis mind which needs to be studied by aspiring homeopaths for academic purpose.

Based on your feedback about Sepia, we will decide as to when and how you should start your treatment.
[message edited by rishimba on Sun, 19 Apr 2015 08:01:46 BST]
 
rishimba 7 years ago
Last sepia would have been in feb, maybe, a while ago. Yes, i am still proving it. Cramps, bloating, ovarian pain, sacral pain, very obvious mood changes, intense headaches, excessive mucus.
Im happy to be a classic case, and I hope it works. :) I find most remedies produce a reaction, but not lasting. I dont have the deception of a snake, though, and concealment of my emotions or actions to exact revenge is practically impossible. I thought these were characteristic for Lachesis. I am very impatient and frank. I am willing to try anything, though, as long as it is not like sepia. :)
 
Dora14 7 years ago
OK, so you can try a single dose of LACHESIS 200C on a single day morning.

Get the remedy from a reputed manufacturer and take it in liquid form. Three drops in some 10 ml water would be one dose of it slowly sipped up in empty stomach and clean mouth.

Take it on a weekend first thing in the morning so that you can go to sleep again for another hour.

Let me know after about a week if your moods elevated and became consistent.
 
rishimba 7 years ago
Hi, it has been about 10 days. I am really not sure what to report. I had a difficult time for most of these, with very low moods, high irritability. The moods ligted a little bit from depressed to very apathetic in the last 3-4 days. I have been staying up much later than before and been much sleepier in the mornings. I mean i had more energy lasting much later into the night, and much less energy in the mornings. I have a real slump in energy around 6pm, very difficult to stay awake. I. Continue to have issues related to periods with bloating, tenderness, even pain when coughing and sneezing. Strong headaches for multiple days towards end of flow. My muscles feel very stiff and joints ache after i dont move for a while, especially when i am tired. I thought that thestiffness eased off for a couple of days, but now it seems worse. It is very hard for me to say whether moods stabilised. It seems a bit easier to get up in the morning. But if so, the difference is very subtle. I feel very apathetic, but there is also a weight on my chest, i feel sad under the apathy. I have been able to do some things like cooking, but if there are changes, they are small and subtle, so it is really difficult for me to say anything conclusive. I have not felt any drastic changes. I also gained weight this past week. Please let me know whether you have more questions, as i would really appreciate more advice. Thank you
 
Dora14 7 years ago
Its possible that the dose you have taken hasn't created a response somehow and the subtle changes you are reporting may not have anything to do with the remedy.

To overcome this confusion, please repeat the dose. This time take two doses of Lachesis 200C on a single day, one in the morning and the other in the evening, both in empty stomach.

Once we know finally the response to this potency, we will go one step higher if required. Before shifting to another remedy, we will have to check this one out thoroughly.
 
rishimba 7 years ago
Hello, moods definitely lifted and vere more stable from evening into morning. It has been easier to get up most of the days. Nodrastic changes as i felt with other remedies, but an overall gentle improvement in most areas of mood. I have still felt underlying heaviness and sadness, but it has been easier to move, its hard to explain exactly. I felt lighter in a sense. Not great, but definitely better. Fewer fits of irritability and picking at everything. Did not feel "stuck" at home. I am wondering how to repeat, as i feel the mood slipping with more morning fatigue and less patience, more anger. I also feel quite stiff in terms of muscle aches, and have experienced a strong spasm in my back when lifting the baby. Would you have a suggestion for a remedy? Also, my heartburn worsens each time i take a dose, and then improves, but not fully. Thank you.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
Guess it's been around 10 days that you have taken Lachesis.

If you think your moods are slipping back, you may repeat it once again with only a single dose.

Please source 1M potency for future.
 
rishimba 7 years ago
Hi, I am wondering whether I can take a second dose. I am not doing well with only one, much like with the first single dose. The double dose made a bigger difference. My moods have been declining for the last two days. Today is very slightly better, but it is very difficult observing oneself be depressed and overwhelmed by the simplest activities.
 
Dora14 7 years ago
200C is not holding for even a week. I had asked you to source 1M potency. I guess its time to take a dose of 1M potency and see how long does it hold.
 
rishimba 7 years ago

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