Someone please help me today, desperate

Update: I also have itching scrotum since months. I also can't stand authority but at the same time am dependent from strong figure. Feel a little better outside and when walking.

Update 2: I also have always been very scared of dying. When I have a disease I immediately think I will die. I am mainly scared that I will have cancer. Also: I can not have ejaculation with wife anymore, only when masturbating but than I feel bad after it.
Please, who can help.

Update 3:

My children just came home and their excitation and noise made me afraid again of killing myself. I had to got to bed 15 minutes.

I feel like I am going to explode with anger but that it will be directed towards myself.

Please help me. I can't take this anymore. My tranquilizers do not help. I am so impatient. Please something that can have an effect within 12-15 hours (from now on it is still 14 hours before I wake up if I make it today) and that does not interfere with Aurum Sulfuratum I got three days ago.

Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasssseeee

I am new to this forum. Maybe it's not the right place or I ask the wrong questions.

But you are my last hope. I am delusional I will die tomorrow.

Please give an advice. Please advice something to get me back a bit in control of my feelings.

I made a list of all remedies I have in the house (besides the already mentioned XMK's in my first post)and got once in my life

- Pulsatilla Pratensis 30K
- Argentum Nitricum 2LM drops
- Nux Vomica 30K
- Aurum Muriaticum Natronatum 30LM drops
- Gelsemium Sempervirens 30K
- Magnesium Muriaticum 30LM drops
- Phosphorus 30K (already prescribed on july 2006, is that too old?)
- Arsenicum Album 30K
- Stramonium LMK
- Sepia 30K
- Aconitum Napellus XMK
- Causticum 30K

Please....

Thank you Maheeru,

I have it but it doesn't seem to help with me.

Maybe I am too scared?

And my biggest anxiety of suicide is right when I wake up. Maybe it's because once in the hospital I woke up and did an attempt immediately...

If you or someone still has a suggestion, I still have 10 hours till tomorrow morning.

Thank you for answering my post, TimCam. I had no dental works or vaccins for many many years (I am 39 years now).

As you see I survived the morning untill now but I again have that feeling that it will go wrong today or tomorrow morning. So I am still in the same state of mind. It's day 4 since I took Aurum Sulfuratum.

You know: your question made me think.

I have had these suicidal thoughts on different moments in my life. Now they are more outspoken again but about 10 years ago I was hospitalized for a long time for depression and did several attempts.

Between my two depressions I went to see a psychologist and another homeopath (not the same as now). I remember she gave me things like Lycopodium, Sepia, Phosphorus and Pulsatilla, amongst many others.

Since two years the fear of killing myself came back and the psychologist discovered they often came when I was angry at him. Like some kind of warning sign 'don't talk about this, don't leave me alone or I will...', you know, something like that.

I remember I had slight depressions when he was gone on holiday (same goes for my homeopath). It's like I can't live without them but if I feel better, it's like I don't need them anymore.

I also remember that when I was in primary school, I was the best in everything I did. My father thought of me as the best in the world. Everything I did succeeded: I was the best in languages, math, sports, anything. I also felt very mature (always had older friends) for my age. It's like I never was a child. I also remember that at that age I felt like having a guardian angel, sometimes (when I was 8 or so) I even thought I was Jesus Christ...can you imagine?

I also took everyone into protection, the weaker you know.

I was the leader of the pack but at the same time I worried that my so-called friends would discover that I felt like a scared little boy inside. And I always did and still do. I also was scared that they would discover what extremely small penis I had. You know: when my schoolfriends at that age started bragging about their penis and their girl friends I was fantasizing about having sex with older women.

When I left primary school and went to the big school (age 12) everything turned wrong. I wasn't the best anymore, started failing, was angry at my parents. At the same time I wanted to be number one again but I couldn't (or wouldn't?).

Sometimes I even wonder how I ever made it to university. But I quit university after a few years. I couldn't take the presure and fear of exams and failing anymore.

You know, I never could really talk about my feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment with my parents.

When I wasl ovesick my father said things like 'you're too young to be lovesick' (but I really was, I was so scared my girlfriend would leave me that sometimes I broke up myself).

Or when I said 'I was scared about exams' he said things like 'those teachers are just like us, they have to go to the toilet too'. You know, there was never something like 'I understand that you feel that, I had that too, it's normal, you'll have to live with it'.

I remember I once said I felt lonely because I had no girlfriend. You know what his answer was: 'get a good university degree and then think about girls, once you have that, girls will fall over you'. Can you imagine? I didn't want girls falling over me, I wanted to be loved by someone, you know (writing this makes me cry as though I feel no-one loves me).

I couldn't talk to my mother too because she always was depressed and started talking about her own ailments. You know, like never listening and I felt (and when my dad was not there) I really was responsible for her.

It's like I never learned to feel feelings, especially anger and fear. And I always was so scared and even cowardice.

You know, at age 12 or so I got so angry. My parents (and me) didn't know why so they gave my calming medication (I became addicted to them). I also cut myself at that age.

And then I started seeing psychiatrists, psychologues, anything.

And then, at age 16 or so I started drinking, I didn't want to feel my pain, and taking hash.

You know, I always felt kind of empty inside and extremely lonely. But when I had a girlfriend, I was afraid she was gonna leave me because I had a small penis. I even cried the first times I had sex.

And then there is that empty feeling. I used to work for a small publishing company. My boss wanted me to always present the conferences for our reader. I really was scared to death for doing that but I did, felt like dying. And afterwards people told me it was good and I felt so excited about myself. But you know, it always lasts for only an hour or so and then I feel empty again. Like not knowing who I am. I worked for that boss for 9 years, no-one did so long. He was like a dictator and still I stayed, I can't remember a single time I showed him how angry I really was at him.

You know, I really feel seldom angry at all. And now it's like I'm gonna burst (just like before I was hospitalized).

You know, before I got hospitalized 10 years ago I had another boss (again the kind of dictator, it's like I need them but at the same time I want to overthrow them) and for the first time in my life (under pressure of my father in law) I said something to him about I really felt because he had refused me something. Then he decided to bully me untill I quit. And then he sued me. A few weeks later I started feeling bed. Throwing up, hyperventilation, panic attacks. And gone I was... Coincidence? Don't think so.
I think it was supressed rage at the guy, it cost me a year of my life.

You kbow, two years ago, someone anonymously threatened to kill me on my mobile phone. I found out who it was, it was a former colleague. I was depressed for over a month. I was acred he was gonna kill or I was gonna kill myself. Seemed he was just drunk when I later saw him. He cost me two months of my life...

At that time (2-3 years ago) I decided to start my own consultancy business to be rid of my dictatorial boss and to realize what I always dreamt off: being my own boss. In the beginning with success but then I felt getting worse and worse. I didn't dear to drive on the highway anymore, I got agoraphobia, prohibiting me to go to customer meetings, I started worrying about the money and finally when I realized I managed business bad I started panicking. You know the result: this depression....

I still want to run my own business, I have the customers, I just need the strength and courage... One day my psychologist said: 'you have an immense power and strength in you to have had such a life and always come back and make a respected career, it's a pity that at the same time you have that anxiety, if not there would be no problem'.

It's like I'm two persons sometimes, you know.

And now I'm here, sitting behind my computer, talking to strangers and hoping that someone can prescribe me a remedy that makes it a bit better (that feeling I'm going to die, those morning panic attacks) without interfering the Aurum Sulfuratum (so that I can be sure if that works or not). I really don't know what to do. I am so scared of my anger towards my homeopath, the uncertainty, my fears. You know,Crotalus Cascavella gave me long moments of excitement and I loved it. But then, ten days later he took it away and now I feel so bad again and I don't know if Aurum Sulfuratum will help or why took the snake remedy away or how I can survive the following days.

I am especially scared because I want to repair my mistakes and give my family a good future by making lots of money. i like money, not for the sake of it, but because people see it as a sign of success in this stupid world. And because it gives a (very limited) degre of security. I am not the kind of person who wants to only have money though, it's not an obsession. I am not avarice or saving every penny I can. I like to spend it to travel or for my kids and share it with people I love.

Now I can't do all these things anymore because I am so scared, a coward and a loser.

Money was also an issue at home, my parents neveer had enough and they lost their home, despite the fact that I helped them.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I know I write very long mails but I need to express myself.

Who can give me some hope, some reassurance, some acute homeopathic treatment that helps me survive untill hopefully this remedy Aur. Sulf. helps.

Or should I change homeopaths again?

Please... I need some stability here and a little less fear and a little more confidence and courage urgently.

I feel like I am getting addicted to this forum, for me it's the last resort to help me with this awfull feelings.

I write you again because I just realised something. My wife has gone out to do shopping for the children.

Yesterday she was out a long time for shopping too and I think it makes me more scared when she is gone that I might hurt myself.

Yesterday evening before going to bed I asked her if she could wake me up this morning because I was so scared I would kill myself. I also asked here if tomorrow (so today) she had to go out so often. She said 'no' and that gave me some comfort. Sometimes I want her to hold me and it is like a need her attention (I think sometimes I think I weep more when she's around to get her comfort, like a little boy crying for mommy's attention). But at the same time I feel better when she is out (and worse). I don't understand.

You know,I think I want to spare her a bit too since living with me hasn't been easy for her lately. And at the same time I get this strange feeling that I have to get less close to her and face my fears alone, but then again it scares me a lot.

I realized something else too. This morning when waking up I thought 'another day in hell'. And I count the others to have this day quickly behind me. i just try to work for my family and make money like it are the last days of my life and I have to put all my energy in working (I am a freelance writer).

This morning I sat outside smoking and weeping and I said i my head 'dear God, help me get through this day and the foloowing days and let me get bitter, every day just a little bit'. This is strange for me since I am raised non-religious and never believed in God. But I wish I was, so that I could believe in something outside me, since inside me there is no confidence, only emptyness, anxiety and great hunger to live and shine again.

I also remember that just before going to the psychiatric hospital I went to achurch to pray to get better. When I came out,I went to pray that I had survived it and prayed especially for others. I wish I was always caring about others instead of my egoistic feelings. Now I would go back to church to pray to get better. And that for an otherwise non-religious person. i do realize though that since this depression I got superstitious (sometimes less, sometimes more).

God, I am so scraed of my feelings that change all the time and that I will not make it through the day and the following days. This really feels like hell. And then I feel guilty because I use this forum (I do not like my wife to know) and that I am so weak. Sometimes I hate watching in the mirror.

All replies are welcome. And if a homeopath could intervene here (and have the courage to read all my posts...) with some advice, please please do...

Sorry again for these many updates but I feel like using this forum and having people answering is making me feel a bit better and gets me a bit through these awefull days.

I wish everyone on thos forum with issues and troubles a lot of strength. And I hope anyone out there can give me some answers and especially useful advice too.

I just went out in the garden to smoke a cigarette again. I went sitting on the children's swing an gently rocked on it with my face in the morning sun. It made me feel a bit better for a moment. Was it the sun, the rocking, the open air? I don't know, I do know that I like sitting in the sun and that I like the open air.

I also remember that back in the hospital when feeling extremely anxious, almost delirious, I sometimes started rocking.

Then, back in, I started crying. For you, the readers, the reason might sound stupid... I thought about the fact that yesterday I had slightly raised my amount of tranquilizers (I have to take them as well as my antidepressants before we start building them off, my homeopath says, it was doctor's order). I think I cried because I feel so guilty and weak. It even brought back the fear of killing myself. I guess I can't live with the idea of being so weak.

Especially because, when I got Alumina (remember from previous post, it worked), I was able to completely stop taking tranquilizers. So I try to build off again but right now I can't, I even raised a bit. I feel so weak because of this...

I hate myself I guess.

I will leave you all alone now. I am trying to lie down and survive untill my wife is back home and try to work a bit.

I'm sorry I sound so dramatc but that's really how I feel.

I wait (I admit, extremely impatiently) for some good advice and I pray (again a religious word from someone who thought he wasn't religious...) I make it through the day.

Please feel free to respond, I leave all the room on this forum to others now.

One final thing: I saw that in a lot of posts people adress certain docotrs, like a doctor Murty and a doctor Tahira and a doctor Rishimba.

If one of them would have the patience or willingness to go through my entire post and help me too....

And anyone else too is welcome to reply, discuss, suggest etc...

Hopefully till later (sorry, I always have to say hopefully or touch wood when talking about the future).

I can’t help it but I again have to add something.

Today I signed a contract with a company, selling them a publication of mine. This way I solved a big part of the financial problems I caused with my depression.

I felt a bit relieved since it was the first time that I dared to negotiate, normally I just give people what they want, even in business. I told you: I want everyone to like me.

Nevertheless I got a bad feeling about this too. I know that they took advantage of my depression and bought cheaper than what it’s worth. I also noticed that I was very anxious about signing the contract (it happened all per fax, I do not go out yet). I always had that. I’m always scared that people will abuse the contract to harm me or sue me. It’s strange.

I missed an anonymous phone call this noon and even that scares me (remember the death treats of a few years ago I spoke about).

Then I went a bit on my bed since these negotiations have costed me a great deal of energy (and anger) since the other party was very very demanding and I was not used to defend my own standpoint. It caused many emotions: anxiety, anger, impatience,…

But when I lied on my bed I started feeling a little bit better (normally I feel worse lying on my bed at day-time). I even started phantasizing of a better future. And then I got anxious again. That happens all the time after I do some hoping and dreaming (often when I am in my bed). It’s like happiness is forbidden. It’s like living without fear is forbidden. When I have money, the government will come and take it away. When I can travel, the plane will crash or I will become blind. You know, those kinds of crazy delusions.

When I came down, my wife said that she was scared that all our financial issues are far from solved yet. I got very angry at her. I know all this is my fault. I understand she is scared but it is like always when I have a little bit of hope, she kills it by talking about all the negative things instead of motivating me by saying that she appreciates that I try to work so hard - despite my horrible feelings – to repair my mistakes and get this family back on track.

After my anger, I immediately apologized, as I always do. I am scared of my anger. And indeed, afterwards I got very depressed again and became even more anxious about harming myself.

I started crying and became scared and sometimes like if I want to get her attention this week. Maybe it’s also because my wife is going out again an hour to get the kids (and I’m already scared about the children’s noise and excitation and the irritability it causes again). Or am I angry at my wife because I feel she took that better moment away just like I’m angry with my homeopath because he took the excitation I felt with Crotalus Cascavella away? Or is the fear for Aurum Sulfuratum?

I don’t know anymore.

I am still very anxious about harming myself (and tomorrow morning and the fear that Aurum will make me more suicidal and the fear of the anger towards my homeopath – why always XMK with these strong effects) and still looking for something that could in the short run help me with all these overwhelming feelings, without interfering with the Aurum Sulfuratum I got four days ago.

I don’t know anymore. Maybe it would be easier to help me if I just got a rash or a flu or something. I’m sorry, I have more than that.

I guess I simply am a childish egoist can’t cope with emotions and failure and should give up hoping in homeopathic miracles and stopping going to my homeopath. I really don’t know anymore. Maybe there is no solution?

I still haven’t received word from a homeopath on this forum. I guess my case is too difficult or my mails too long? I hope to hear from one of you or receive word from anyone reading these posts.

If not, I will not bother you again, I promise.

Thank you gopal18. Sorry for asking but are you a homeopath or a user?

Then the answer:
- Male and nearly 40

1. Right now extreme anxiety in the morning and evening (for the day after), fear in general I would kill myself. Ill effects from anger and supressed anger. Fear my remedy (Aurum Sulfatum) will bring suicidal thoughts and that I will not make it untill it maybe works (got XMK 4 days ago). Anger at homeopath because so hard to find right remedy. Want to be able to do things again, restrictions due to health make me raging mad.

2. Asthma, Katarina wheel (since recent, some kind of rash on back, chest and belly, not itching-yet).

3. I think anxiety and supressed anger for lost 'image' and strength. Abandoned feeling. Impatience.

4. I tremble and panick that I would kill myself. Sometimes it seems like I'm going to do it.

5. The depression started really in spring. But it all goes back to childhood. Past events: always been who I was not, separation anxiety, craving for attention I didn't have, too much responsability. More recent (spring): all supressed anger broke loose, financial problems coming up, again supressed anger. Most recent (now): that homeopatic remedy always stops working and I am ill or exhausted or anxious or this or that. I'm tired of it. Again impatience and (supressed) anger

6. Morning on waking up (when conciousness comes back). During daytime less (fear I'll not make it through the day), bit worse again before sleeping for next day. But mainly morning.

7. Aggravate: anger, quarelling, not getting what I want, noise, busy children, when psychologist or homeopath is gone, impatience, sex (fear of it).
Ameliorate: walking, music, sitting in the sun, talking about my problems, working, making money, biking (that's why I'm so mad I can't do these things anymore).

8. Anticipation for things I have to do, when alone sometimes, when I don't get answers I need, when I don't get reassurance, when ill.

9. Humid or dry, I can't tell really. i prefer summer and sun but not too hot either.

10. Moody, slightly arrogant, extremely nervous, extremely suspicious, sometimes quiet, sometimes extremely talkative, irritating now yes, normally no, absolutely not lazy.

- Thunderstorm: slightly scared if too close, but don't show since try to calm down kids.

- Consoled: yes, I want to be hugged (wife rarely does).

- Noise: yes, smell: no, light: no.

- Nailbiting always done, weeping yes, talking to one self: yes. I also have a strange gesture: pulling up a bit my eyelids, when nervous.

- Wife: feel she neglects me but at the same time feel very guilty towards her, pays too much attention to children, feel she should motivate me more. Can never please her although is more a delusion I think. I always wanted more sex from her and now we often argue about how I want more attention.

- Children: in general I adore them. Am very afraid something will happen to them. But I feel guilty towards them and when I feel like the last months they irritate me when too noisy and excited. Afraid I will leave them again.

- I have few friends, need more (too suspicious?). My family in general: anger towards my parents, love towards my family in law.

11. Fears: I don't know where to start... Leaving my family, never healing, killing myself, that when things go well someone will take it away, legal persecution (no reason for), bankrupcy,...

Dreams: I am often in a dream where I have to go back to the psychiatric hospital but it is different than the real one. Also: elevators and houses with many rooms (once there where ghosts), often intruded by other people. Often friends from youth and sometimes people wanting to hurt me.

12. I prefer hot food (mashed potatoes, vegetables, saucage,...). Typical winter food (also warm soup, I always make soup when feeling OK). I also like chocolate and icecream, sometimes salted chips.

I hate grease on meat (not like in saucage but real meat).

13. Excessive

14. Morning: nothing, noon more, evening less. Just before going to bed chocolate. Prefer warm food, less bread.

15. No.

16. I think more at night, around the neck I think (pillow smells after few days).

17. Sometimes lot of movement and noise, quite hard or normal (no diarhea).

18. I also start on the right with my face to my wife but when I want to go to sleep, I turn to the right, away from her. Now I sleep well but this because medication (Trazodone). Sometimes difficult to sleep if I start phantasizing.

19. No. i can not ejaculate since several weeks with my wife, only if masturbation. I feel bad because it, my manlyhood you know... I'm also scared of having sex.

20. I think I am very black and white: sometimes Mr. Rational, sometimes Mr. Emotion. I am quite intelligent and have to admit I find myself more intelligent than many people. There are no grey' with me. I am very impatient, want what I want now. Manipulative too?

21. Antidepressants, tranquilizers, Trazodone and asthma puffs. No special effects. I think I use astha puffs too much. i think it's sometimes hyperventilation.

22. Mother overeats and has sugar. Often depressed. Her father was very depressed (and even suicidal too: I once saw him as a young kid threatening to kill himself). Her brothers are also very hypochondric. Father: lungs, asthma.
Brother (younger): depressed sometimes, workaholic.

23. Small legs, fat belly (beer-like), egg-shaped head, little hair (front: no hair), small moustache and beard, thin arms, small hands, second toe longer than big toe, very small penis. Offstanding ears, quite long nose with some kind of 'split' in the front, long eyelashes. Quite dark complexion (I'm caucassian). Untill my 18th-19th year I was very very thin (weighed 58 kilograms, now around ninety).

About sleep: I meant I start on the left-side and turn to the right to sleep.

Also please note I like red wine, prefer cold drinks and as a child (very young) I died almost twice from bronchitis and dying out. Always had lung problems. Was born two days after mothers' water broke. Midwife mlade a mistake. So was born 'dry'.

And normally (when feeling OK) quite sarcastic humor.

People see me as a giving and good but my psychologist says it's because I want something back. Dependent, separation anxiety you know.

Extreme fear of death and disease.

Quite a lot of body hair.

Now I really have said it all...

Sorry, more input.

As a child I always wanted to learn all the time. I loved travelling but don't do it anymore for money but also because I lost my adventurous spirit (sometimes I feel like I'm caged by anxiety and want to break free). I often yell like that in the middle of nature because of my frustration. I was worshipped by my father.

I always have been scraed of speaking in public.

Normally I like people around me but now less, my fear isolates me literally.

I don't eat a lot of fruits lately but I prefer red fruits (strawberry, cherry,...). I also like to drink fresh orange juice.

I'm afraid of all things you can use to kill your self (medication, knife, water, plastic bags, ropes,...).

But what really bothers me the most: I seem to have no control whatsoever over my feelings and I have to admit I'm a control freak...

And I repeat: I prefer a remedy that helps me for a few days untill we can see if Aurum Sulfuratum works.

Or am I too demanding now?

Thank you maheeru and gopal18 for answering.

This morning is very anxious again. I feel very angry (and thus anxious) towards my homeopath whom I normally see (again touching wood) in an hour.

I know my case is chronic and there's multiple layers.

I already had Staphysagria before.

And my homeopath insists on XMK. Maybe he wants to wok fast because I'm such a long case (this is mty third homeopath).

I myself always find remedies as Arsenicum, Phosphorus, Sepia, Lachesis, Aurum, Sulphurum and Lycopodium, amongst many others.

I got all these one moment or another.

My previous homeopath he only saw some improvement with Sepia but that's over a year ago and I'm not who I was then: I hid my feelings back then, now yje're like flowing out much more (although there is still more supressed than I can handle).

The only thing I'm sure of is that Alumina XMK worked the first time I got back from hospital. So it must have peeled off a layer then. But since then... nothing...

Hello,

Here I am again with an update of my day so far so that you might more be able to help me.

This morning I went to my homeopath and then my psychologist.

When I woke up I was very scared again and then when smoking outside I got that strange thought that I would beat them both up. A few days ago I also was afraid I was gonna stab my psychologist. Once I was scared I was gonna harm my children. My psychologist says those thoughts are harmless. I have to admit I’m not physically aggressive but I’m very scared of becoming it. It’s like I’m afraid there is a jealous, aggressive, dangerous monster in me and it wants to come out and I keep it back.

My psychologist says ‘yes, it has to come out but you are more afraid of it than you should, you never killed anyone’. I want to come out but it is like it is gonna explode out. Is this why my homeopath gives XMK? I would like it to come out gently, you know, bearable.

I have to admit I once hit someone when I was drunk (around 19 years old) who had been harrassing me for months (I had to go to court for it) and as I child I used to beat my brother (who is two years younger).

I have to admit that I am very dependent of both these people you know. It is like I kind of believe they have some magic staff that can heal me and sometimes I feel like they are sadists that deny me that magic solution.

Deep inside however I know that I am the solution. Although, I remember my homeopath saying one day that ‘homeopathy is very ambitious and seeks a complete cure’. I’m anxiously and impatiently waiting for it.

My psychologist then again said that homeopathy has a supportive function to enable me to feel more but that in the end therapy is the solution.

I guess that is they once had contact and decided not to comfort me or give me reassurance: because I always needed it and I had to start trusting myself (can’t say I really am if you read my previous posts). I have to admit that I feel angry if they say nothing to comfort or reassure me. Today again, I was very scared I wasn’t going to make it after I saw both of them after having felt angry they basically say nothing to comfort me. And after that anger I felt fear of suicide again. My psychologist always says anger and fear are two sides of the two coins. So basically he says that the more I suppress my anger, the more anxious I get. He also said I was hiding my true feelings for years untill now, I’m starting to feel.

Anyway, before going to them I was very nervous and anxious. I was afraid I was gonna have fear of driving my car against a truck coming from the other side or driving against a tree. I often feel that when I go to them (and are angry at them?). It didn’t happen. My wife was as always driving together with me as a passenger (I’m scared to drive the car alone) and noticed I was much more quiet than at other moments. She was right, normally I talk the whole time when we go to the homeopath and/or psychologist (and all the way back). If you know we sit hours in the car for this you know how talkative I can be.

However, todat I felt very depressed and like I had given up all hope. I was scared this was the end, I felt so depressed? There was like a little angry voice inside of me saying (not literally a voice of course) “ppffft, why even try and bother and not simply give up”. When I’m angry that little voices comes now and then. I even thought “why bothering posting on this forum”. There was some apathy in there too.

When we got closer to the homeopath I started thinking about that stressfull business thing I told you about yesterday. You know, that publication I talked about. Well, in fact it’s a website. And now these people ask again more things from me. But you know what angers me most? I saw what they intend to make of the website and it’s so ugly I know it will completely fail. And then I started crying over it. Strange, no. I felt that they were going to demolish “my brainchild” that I had nurtured for over five years. Like I can’t say goodbye to it. And then the lousy deal they gave me…. But I had to.

When waiting for the homeopath I got impatient and was scared again of doing something to myself in his waiting room (happens more). He listened to all my story, about the going up and down, the fear of Aurum, the XMK, the being sick and tired of it. He basically said nothing (as I told you he agreed so with my psychologist) except that it was too soon for this remedy to know if it works. I also told him I was so angry at him but he told me that he was OK with that.

Afterwards I felt a bit calmer since I was able to express my emotions (which is very hard for me) but then I got mad again, since he said nothing to reaasure me and then I got scared of killing myself again.

Almost exactly same scenario with the psychologist: crying, expressing my anger, that I’m fed up, feeling slightly better afterwards, then more scared again. The only thing the psychologist said that ‘it’s a good thing my emotions come up finally’. It sure doesn’t FEEL good.

When we drove home the anxiety quietly went away a bit. I started thinking about my anger towards those business people again, it’s unbearable. And I’m still thinking about everything they did to me (all the broken promises).

I remember I told my dream to my psychlogist and he said ‘so, you don’t trust me’ as a conclusion of that dream. I said ‘I trust no-one’. I only trust you and my homeopath if I feel well, I don’t trust myself and I trust no one else because I fear they like me for WHAT I am and because I feel they can ‘inject’ me with anger or anxiety or ‘stab me in the back’ (not literally) or take advantage of me or my weakness at any time.

Now I’m at the same time a bit calmer, angry at my homeopathy and psychologist because again they basically said little or nothing that reassured me, angry at those business partners, full of desire to ‘fight for my life and my rights’ and very scared that I can not take this anymore and all will end bad today or tomorrow or any other day in the future.

So we’re back where we started although I think a feel a little bit less anxious than yesterday (the expression of my anger?).

Come to think of it: I always feel worse when my homeopath or psychologist are gone, except when I feel good, just before they go,you know. But when I feel bad and they are gone (even for just 3 days) I send text messages, go to the MD, cling to my wife, you know,…I make a LOT OF NOISE. Even on this forum as you can notice. But you know, I had to ‘shout’ (not literally but emotionally) as a kid to be heard. And yes, I am manipulative, impatience and waiting for others to give me a miracle.

And yes, I probably miss my earliest years when everyone carried me on his hands as the ‘big promise for the future’.

But before you judge me: how would you feel with a life like mine? And do I not have a right to happiness too? Will try to work a bit now again, making money for the family (although I sometimes wonder why) and try not to give up.

Still reading all my posts someone? I thank you for it and hope some help or understanding or reassurance or support for me is in your hearts.

I realized something important today.

You know that horrible feeling that I sometimes have that is destructive and says things like 'why live', 'why work', 'why still try', 'why still walk', 'why still eat', 'why still get up' and so on.

Well it's not the first time I feel it and I am now sure what its function is: PROTECT ME FROM (POSSIBLE) DISSAPOINTMENT (and anger through disappointment).

Thank you Dr Mom for your kind answer, really... It gave me a good feeling.

I know that homeopathy is not the only answer but I know that it is an important one, as I felt with Alumina in june...

I know that I have to see myself as a whole being, living in an ecosystem and being an ecosystem and I have to live healthier: more balanced, no tobacco, no coffee, sports, no meds, relaxation, you know.

But right now I simply can't, I need help. And I'm afraid God alone will not do it (I guess because I was raised a non-believer).

But really thank you for your nice words.

You know, I visit another forum too and I get no real advice their either.

Yesterday I posted some things there I never posted here before, about the last two years. Maybe this helps further to understand me.

Here is the quote: 'I have been seeing a psychiatrist for years and have been in homeopathic treatment, also for years.

Since a year or two things started getting thougher again. I felt starting very anxious at my work. I also got afraid of driving the car on the highway, so I started taking small routes and spent much more time to go to work. I also was afraid when other cars where behind me, when I had to change lanes and when I had to pass a car (which at the end I didn’t). I had a dictatorial boss but somehow I liked and hated him at the same time. I admired his guts (I have been anxious – especially about disease and death - and dependent all my life) and the way he went always ahead, no matter what. He wasn’t scared of nothing or no one. He gave me promotions and put me in the spotlight (publishing company), often even when I didn’t want to. He allways let me talk at public events (like forums) which I hated because it always scared the hell out of me.


In the 9 years I worked for him I never got angry at him. At least: I never showed it. I never showed my anger to anyone before because I want everybody to love me.


Things went worse and then I got an anonymous dead threat by phone. Afterwards it seemed a joke but I was scared as hell. My boss laughed away but I was depressed for at least three weeks, scared that any moment someone could come and shoot me. I even took (very expensive) security measures to protect my home (as I learned afterwards for no reason). My psychiatrist said I was projecting my own rage towards the person that threatened me.

When I got better after a few weeks, I decided to quit my job and become self-employed. I guess because I always wanted to show what I was capable of for MYSELF (and not for someone else) but also I was angry at my boss for laughing my fears away.


In the beginning things went better. But I discovered that I was more and more isolating myself. My fear of the car became worse (and I always LOVED driving, it was a synonym of freedom for me) and I got agoraphobic when I went to my customers. So of course I started working less. I had more symptoms (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and I started getting financial problems. But I didn’t realize it or at least too late.


And then last spring hell broke loose. It was a few weeks before my psychiatrist went on holiday and I was angry for that (already weeks and weeks before his holiday) because I felt so overwhelmed by anxiety and anger.


When he was gone, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 2,5 months and tried to kill myself.


I’m home now since 3,5 months and things are not going well.'