Listless / Apathy about Work

Hello,

Can someone help me with medicine which might offer some closure on these issues? It primarily has to do with my relationship to myself and my work, making money, and my career.

Been jobless and working odd gigs within my profession for a while. It has been difficult to support myself -- I feel I need the support of someone else because life does not present me with opportunities to support myself.

I have been broke for almost 10 years, and relying on parents and partners to help me, with a lot of shame, guilt and depression over not being able to "make it" in the world. It has resulted in some sexually abusive situations with a former partner, and difficulties with my mom who I now live with, which have both mostly ended, but I still make very little money, have trouble paying bills, and when it comes to money feel so overwhelmed and prioritize other things before I approach money logically about what to pay for what and when (like debt, current bills, etc. can get sidelined for a health item I feel I need).

My job search is not going great, I get interviews but don't want any of the jobs, and my mom is very successful and makes a lot of money in the corporate world, but I don't care about money that much other than making what I need to make to be comfortable with modest expenses. I have trouble asking for more money for my skills even though I am highly skilled and my skillsets are rare and coveted. I feel no one will pay me that amount.

In my career I am facing questions inside myself about whether I should go back to school and get more education because I feel kind of stuck and uninterested where I am now in my current career path (design), and am not passionate about doing it, but passionate about health and wellness, which is what all my design work revolves around.

I considered returning to school but get stuck because the schooling will cost a lot more money, and that is what I don't have. I feel it might be fulfilling but don't know what the future would hold for me. Now it feels like I'm stuck and can't do anything, can't move forward, don't know what to do next. It has felt like this for several years now.

I have taken Silicea 6x, Nat Mur 200c and Moonstone 1M recently (within the last week)

I also have an aversion to working on a corporate team or in larger groups. I am sensitive and very receptive to others and people can be very rude, mean, short and angry in the corporate world and it hurts my heart. I don't like being treated like that and I always try to be kind and gentle and courteous with people as much as I can. I like working 1:1 with people and remotely, it makes things easier. If working 1:1 I like working in person also, as I can connect better with them that way, but I like being in my own space too.

I'm having trouble making a decision about what to do with the degree and extra education I want to pursue because it takes a long time, I feel I'm old, and the future is uncertain. It is confusing what to do next, and I also have very little to no motivation to continue job searching on job boards for corporate positions. Sometimes I feel it is the only option, like I'm forced or forcing myself to pursue things I don't want to pursue, and then they fall through anyway.

I feel undeserving of money, making money, or charging what my skillset is worth because I don't know if I believe in my worth as a person who has something valuable to offer or contribute that other people want to pay for or would see value in. I think I believe others will not care or see any value in what I can offer them, and it makes it hard to move forward in any direction.

What remedy should I take? I would love to unblock some of this stuff so I can find more confidence and energy to resolve these problems. I am tired of being stuck at home without having anything to do, or having any sense of purpose to my days, or sense of direction to my life. I feel like I am just floating but going nowhere, suspended in the air, and there's no way to move forward. I trust God will help me or show me the way but right now there is no way appearing and I have been feeling frustrated a little bit, and trying to just be grateful. My mom doesn't like that she works so hard and I'm just sitting around.

I'm 32 years old, Female, live in USA (Illinois) in the suburbs.
[Edited by moonriver1 on 2021-10-19 03:11:58]