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need help with post-menopause sexual problem | From sedora [Log on to view profile] | on 2009-02-17 |
| 3 replies | 1800 views |
I am 50 years old, had a very satisfying sex life through 20's and 30's with one partner. Could achieve orgasm through intercourse alone or with masturbation and intercourse or with clitoral stimulation alone. Even had orgasm in dreams, with no or very little stimulation.
Here is the problem: After breakup of long relationship have had trouble turning over my pleasure completely to subsequent partners. We have intercourse and oral sex, but I have to masturbate myself to orgasm even if the partner is inside me. I psychologically have problems completely surrendering my pleasure to partner's control. I kept hoping this would change as I think that most men like it when they can completely give the woman all the pleasure of orgasm. But I just can't surrender. I know it's a trust issue and I want to get past it, but I am afraid of being hurt again. So I keep control of my orgasm. I have no problem with my partner touching any area of my body, but it is me that must "sign my name" to the orgasm, so to speak.
I was hurt by last partner's infidelities, which I cannot understand given that our sex was so wonderful. I now realize I should not take this personally. He is doing the same to his new girlfriend. It's not me; he is just flawed. I am over him completely, but not over the damage he did to me. I have forgiven him but it's almost like I was a victim of abuse in that old relationship, only it was emotional abuse. He used to flaunt his interest in other women and used it to hurt and control me.
Now I have a very considerate and loving partner and I want to surrender, but cannot as much as I have tried. It feels awful and it makes me feel like crying thinking about it. Sometimes I think I have not worked through all the grief. I had such a hard breakup and I had so much grief because I loved that other man so much and felt so betrayed by him.
I can tell that my lack of surrender holds my partner back a bit in his feelings for me, though he says it really is no problem. He loves me I know, but he is aware of this problem for me as I told him about it and I think he has trouble with the idea of committing to me because of it.
Our sex is great in many ways and he says I am the best lover he has ever had, but I know that if I could surmount this difficulty it would make things so much better for both of us. I'm not sure that I want to be with this man the rest of my life, any maybe that is what I am afraid of: is that if he gives me an orgasm that I will want to be with him the rest of my life and that scares me. So complete surrender scares me.
I have thought about talk therapy, but I am more of a believer in bio-energetics as sometimes one has to deal with things on an energetic level rather than just thinking and talking about it.
I notice too that the intensity of my orgasms are not as strong. I don't have full-body convulsions like I used to. Sometimes orgasm itself is really weak, almost like it is almost not there. It felts like a little pilot light rather than a intense flame. I have a fear that my muscles will atrophy and my orgasms won't be there at all someday. I know that I could adjust to this in old age, but 50 is too soon an age to have this happen.
I wonder if the muscles are somewhat atrophied? Does anyone know if this happens? Also, my acupuncturist tells me that menopausal women have less blood and thus tissues throughout body are not getting the nutrients and lubricant they used to. She says that I have deficient chi too. So am building blood and chi with herbs and drinking more water. And will start some exercises for building chi.
I have to use lubricant and I have had occasionally some mild burning during sex, but it is not horribly painful, just painful. We have to make sure our hands are very clean as sweat on hands can trigger burning. Condoms don't cause problems. Not allergic to latex or lubricant.
Also, I have HPV for which I am taking Vagistatin to clear it up. That seems to be working as cervical dysplasia is almost all gone, now reduced to very small area on cervix. It was very scary at first having this. Doctor really tried to frighten me about cancer and I decided to quit her care and research and find others who would treat me through natural means. I am glad I did that as am getting healthier.
I don't have hot flashes as I take vitamin E and also eat sprouts which appear to help with hormones.
Also, my sexual appetite is almost nonexistent now when I am away from my partner. I haven't masturbated on my own since menopause about one-two years ago. I don't mind this as my attention is on other things. In a way I am glad that the intense urge is gone as it sometimes ran my life in my early 20s, making me too intensely focused on sex and not as focused on career as I now am.
However, when I am with my partner, I am always glad to have sex, have never turned it down in the two years we have been together (except once when I was sick). We have sex about 1-2 times a week, though I would be fine with 3-4 times a week. There is no pressure from him to have more sex during the week. He seems happy with this and am glad he is happy.
Let me know if there is anything else you need to know to help me with this. |
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| Re: need help with post-menopause sexual problem | From sedora [Log on to view profile] | on 2009-02-17 |
Forgot to mention cravings, aversions etc.
Rarely have cravings, but when I do it's usually for chocolate or refreshing, watery foods like apples, or salsas or sometimes salty foods like popcorn or corn chips. Used to have an aversion to eggplant--it irritated my mouth--until medorrhinum remedy given for sinus problems and HPV cleared it up.
Don't like damp, clammy weather. Have difficulty getting warm once cold. Often have to take a warm bath to warm up, however will tend to not notice that I am getting cold until I am really cold. I think I go out of my body a lot even when I am conscious. It's like I have a very high threshhold for discomfort or pain before I notice it. My mother is the same way.
Easy to get along with, but like to be alone a lot. Very mental. Accommodating kind of person. Will always try to keep the peace. In conflict I will retreat or passionately want to resolve conflict. Altruistic and compassionate. Artistic and creative in many ways. Can be very romantic. In my youth was prone to worry a lot more than I am now and to have depressive and self-destructive thoughts. Often felt things very intensely and passionately, would have existential crying sessions as a young woman, though may have been hormonal. Would always feel like I was looking into the abyss, would feel lifes pointlessness and emptiness. Life had no meaning and was always trying to find meaning. Eventually began to develop intuitive abilities and trust in self and this resolved a lot of this problem with trust in life.
Spiritual type. Psychic premonitions very common. Have some medical intuitive abilities. Tend to sometimes "go out of" my body even when conscious. Very prone to hypnogogic states. Have always been this way even as a child. Didn't realize that not everybody didn't see a moving stream of pictures and colors and their lives flash before their eyes before sleep. Often dream about flying through the universe, often have special abilities in dreams. Often dream of the buddha. Dreams often lucid. Rarely have nightmares, though as a child had nightmares every night due to trauma of visiting Dachau when I was a child. Have had spiritual peak experiences in recent years. Even realizing my own mortality is not as scary. Cancer scare has helped me deal with fears of death.
Have more trouble sitting still than I used to. Often feel restless, want to have career change to something more active maybe involving using the body.
Often feel stuck, like I cannot decide what to do next. Used to be very confident in my abilities. Now I feel like it's harder to change course and not sure what to do. Would like to be in a profession where I can help others. | | |
| Re: need help with post-menopause sexual problem | From akshaymohl [Log on to view profile] | on 2009-02-18 |
staphysagaria 200 one dose daily for five days then after 7 days onosmodium 1m weekly dose for one month pl report | | |
| Re: need help with post-menopause sexual problem | From sedora [Log on to view profile] | on 2009-02-18 |
Thanks so much for your help. I'll let you know.
sedora |
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